Venting #9- Impatience

Well today..or I guess yesterday, I actually had a decent day I got up early and hung out with my dad and George, and then I made some pancakes, and discovered my new love and that would be the show "Extreme Couponing" that show is insane, and I want to do that too! But then I got mega tired cause I was tossing and turning all night so i took a 2 hour nap and then I got up and cleaned a little and then watched some more Extreme Couponing and then Emily came home! I was so excited because I love Emily a lot! And then Adam and Joey stopped by and that made me happy cause I freaking love them! And THEN while Emily and my dad were gone at church Tom texted me and said "Im at target do you want anything?" And I was like "An Icee!" but I was kidding cause there was zero percent need to get me something but he did anyways, and he came over and dropped it off and gave me a kiss! Haha so it was a really good day (:


But anyways, Okay, so... I was really tired tonight so I fell asleep at like 10 and then woke up at 1:00 to 8 texts and 2 missed calls... whoops sorry! And then I watched an episode of "All Grown Up" to fall asleep to but it was a Christmas episode! So now I'm like obsessing over Christmas! I've been up for the last 2 hours listening to Christmas music and wishing it would start snowing haha xD And now I'm watching "The Santa Clause 2" I feel like a freak because I am so so so in love with Christmas time!

Here are some of my favorite things about Christmas Time:

1. Being with my family, because I don't really get to be that often.
2. Listening to Christmas Music. Oh my goodness I love Christmas music! My favorite 3 songs I think are "Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas", "I'll be home for Christmas", and "Last Christmas"
3.Drinking hot chocolate! I make hot chocolate with 2% or Whole milk because it makes it that much richer and I add a splash of a vanilla and some cinnamon on top with marshmallows (: <3
4. Egg Nog! I could drink that stuff by the gallon! Oh my gosh.
5. Christmas Shopping! Some people hate it cause the stores are so crowded and gross but I love it because everyone is so cheerful and happy and they might not even realize it. And I love how malls decorate for Christmas. Do you see them decorate for any other holiday? Fuck no! Thats just cause Christmas is so Awesome!
6. Jesus was born on Christmas and a lot of people forget that's the reason we celebrate Christmas. But I'm very proud of my family because every year we sing Happy Birthday to him on Christmas and we always have our advent candles and that means a lot to myself and my family.
7. Putting up the Christmas Tree. I like putting up live Trees because it makes your house smell awesome and I love decorating it, I take hours and hours putting up decorations and listening to Christmas songs.
8. Almost every year, on the last day they play Christmas songs on the radio, me and my dad sit up until midnight (thats what time the songs end) and write down the last 5 songs they play.
9. Watching Christmas movies. My 2 absolute favorite movies to watch are "National Lampoons: Christmas Vacation" I think its the funniest movie ever, I can quote over half the movie. And "Deck the Halls" But I usually end up watching "A Christmas Carol" with my dad because that is his favorite movie. Oh! And I like the "Santa Clause" movies, 1-3 (:
10. Watching the snowfall<3 I think snow is absolutely beautiful. My favorite times is when its been snowing outside for a while and the snow just sparkles in the moonlight. And I have a street light on the corner so it just lights up the street perfectly and makes the snow look beautiful.
11. Putting up my Christmas village. I collect village pieces and it takes me about 2 days to put up my village perfectly.



Here are my Christmas Fantasies or dreams, I guess, that I would love to happen someday:

1. Waking up to find a puppy with a big red ribbon under the tree <3
2. Getting kissed under the Mistletoe <3
3. Having someone take me in a horse drawn carriage while its snowing <3
4. Getting engaged on Christmas morning <3 That would be perfect.
5. Take me for a Winter Walk down a lighted path <3
6. Fall in love so I can spend Christmas with them <333
7. Have kids and my own little family that I can share Christmas with <3


Haha so yeah! That my huge giant rant about Christmas. I just had to blog about it... lawl. Cause I'm super obsessing right now, like, HARDCORE. As I said earlier. But, now I guess I shall actually pay attention to my movie and try to fall asleep or I'm going to be tired as heck tomorrow!

OHHH! I FORGOT! Tomorrow I'm going to my mom's house to carve pumpkins, I'm pretty stoked about that too!


But, yeah..
59 days until Christmas <33333 Yes!

Venting #7- Drinking

So, i find it pretty funny when my best friend believes, me when i say I'm okay.
no, I'm not okay.... obviously its fake., i don't just go from crying to happy happy even when, i have been drinking. i guess no once really knows me as well as they say they do. like seriously... I'M FUCKING SAD!!!!! i just wanna end everything right now. cause everyone is just so fake and stupid. this is why i drink... like seriously. everyone days that they know me but they don't. they don't realize how hurt i am every day., no one knows., I'm just so down on myself all the time. every one sees a smile and things I'm okay... well if you really knew me you'd see I'm not okay... at all. i cry every day. and people just think of it as an act. oh, yeah... is it? is it really an act? do you think i like crying every day? do you think i like being alone? do you think i like drinking until i can't feel anything anymore? no i DON'T. I HATE IT!!!!!! no one sees it though. so I'll just keep quiet. maybe someone will see it someday....

People

Person #1: I love you... and I always will. And I wish you knew that I still loved you. But I'm done beating myself up over you... Your not coming back to me and I get that. I'm going to delete your number and try to forget. I wanna forget everything we had because its not important to you so why should it be to me, Maybe if I forget you I can love again.

Person #2: You deserve much better than me. Being with me is pointless because I just shut you out... Its what i'm good at. All i know how to do is put up walls and they just won't come down... Your an amazing guy and all i'm doing is hurting you. I'm honestly disgusted with myself. What I'm doing is sick..and I'm sorry I don't know how to fix it.

Person #3: I know I haven't been talking to you and to be honest its because it seems like you have a "perfect life" with perfect friends and your doing fine without me. Your having this perfect life without me in it and I don't want to ruin your happiness. And I haven't forgotten about you and your not "invisible" I'm just so so hurt... and I thought you would see that... You say I'm your best friend so how could you not see that I'm so upset? I just feel like you don't care. I do love you though... I hope you know that.

Person #4: I think I'm falling in love with you... and I don't know if I want that... Your my best friend. I can't and won't loose you if something happens. And I know myself... I put up walls that can't come down. I hurt people because I'm hurt.. and I don't mean to I just do, and I don't want to hurt you. I can't hurt you. You deserve someone so so amazing, someone that can never hurt you.

Person #5: I'm sorry I hurt you. I just wasn't happy anymore... I'm sorry that it had to come down to what it did. I'm sorry I am such a vile disgusting person that you had to block my number so I can never talk to you again. I'm sorry you think I'm such a bitch. But I did what I had to do to be happy. I'm sorry I'm so selfish. But I still love you, and don't think I never think about you, because I do... and I wish we could end things better.

Person #6: I'm so worried about you... You constantly work and then go out and get smashed every night. Its not good for you, your going to get sick. And if something happened to you my whole world would fall apart. Your my best friend and you have been my whole life. I miss you. I never see you anymore and that hurts so much, I cry about it all the time. I wish you knew that... I make it obvious. I love you though, so much.

Venting #5 -My Dad

I really love my dad a lot. More then anyone on this Earth. And I really love spending time with him and it makes me really sad and upset when I never can because of his stupid girlfriends. They can seriously all go live on Venus because then maybe I'll actually get to see my dad for more then 20 minutes a day. I'm just so mad I'm crying. Like seriously... I was supposed to have a fire and listen to the football game with him but no... Rhea decides to come over even though he already told her no twice. So fuck her. So of course now I'm all alone, crying. Fucking bitch. And it might not seem like a big deal but it is to me. I NEVER get to see my dad cause he works 12 hours almost everyday and if he has a free SECOND she hogs it up. So now them two are out by the fire. They came to join me but i dont wanna fucking sit out there with her and listen to her stupid comments and her "Im going north, south, east, west... In a diagonal!" Or 


"So did you guys like go out for breakfast before the wedding? What did you have pancakes?"
"No..." (Obviously not.. we had to drive an hour to get there and be there by 11 and we had to get ready before hand)
"Oh! So did you have waffles then?"
"No... We didnt go out"
"Im confused... what did you have then?"


Ohmygod.




I've had it.