In 123 hours I will be with my babies Reese and Zane <3 I really can't wait. I'm so insanely impatient. I just want to be there with them so bad. I'm really scared though... Because I know once I'm there the week is just going to fly by and then I'll be in tears when I have to leave. I really won't want to leave at all. But I really need to see them. I need a break from the drama here, Adam just makes me feel so unwanted and unloved so it will be nice to be somewhere where I'm really wanted. I just can't wait to give them hugs and kisses and cuddle with them all day <3 Oh, I bought my ticket today by the way. $130. Its worth it though.
I really like Zane.. a lot. So it really sucks that we have to live so far away from eachother. But, I want to be with him because he makes me very very happy. He's so sweet. And still loves me regardless of all my flaws. He likes me for me and that's what I want. I guess we'll just have to see what happens over the week. Hopefully good things (:
I wish that Adam still cared about me. But, I guess I get the hint... He hasn't even tried to talk to me. Not even when he told Joey he was going to. I guess I must not mean much to him if he can't even text me. So I'll just keep going on with life I guess. It just kinda hurts that I'm not even worth a text. You think he'd atleast try. But he seems just fine without me. Maybe even happier and if he is happier then I guess I'm glad. I don't want to hold him back from being happy. So I hope he's doing good. Because even if we stopped being friends for good and never talked again.. I would still hope the very best for him and I'll still love him. And I'll always be greatful for everything he has helped me through,
Oh my lord.. I am freezing /: Time to curl up and watch a movie.
Goodnight.
Monday, December 5, 2011
Venting #18- Waiting
Okay so I am so so so so excited I just had to blog about this before I fell asleep! I probably won't even be able to fall asleep!
So, today I talked to my dad and asked him If I could go see Reese on Saturday for a week and he said yes and so did Reese's parents!!! :D So this week I need to get all caught up in school, clean the house spotless, clean my room, do all my laundry... which is a lot, and then pack! (: So I leave late Saturday night and I get there at like 5am on Sunday and Zane is going to come pick me up along with Reese and Tucker! And I just know I'll get the BIGGEST hug ever from Reese, she'll probably tackle hug me to the ground xD And Zane said he was going to give me a biiig kiss and carry me out to his car hehehe, I'm excited! :D I've been waiting for almost 6 months to kiss him (: And then we're going to go out for a double date breakfast. I can't wait to see them, they make me feel so loved and wanted <3
And we're going to take lots of pictures and do lots of cuddling and have so much fun! I love them sooooo so much <33
Okay, well... I'm going to attempt to sleep now. Goodnight (:
So, today I talked to my dad and asked him If I could go see Reese on Saturday for a week and he said yes and so did Reese's parents!!! :D So this week I need to get all caught up in school, clean the house spotless, clean my room, do all my laundry... which is a lot, and then pack! (: So I leave late Saturday night and I get there at like 5am on Sunday and Zane is going to come pick me up along with Reese and Tucker! And I just know I'll get the BIGGEST hug ever from Reese, she'll probably tackle hug me to the ground xD And Zane said he was going to give me a biiig kiss and carry me out to his car hehehe, I'm excited! :D I've been waiting for almost 6 months to kiss him (: And then we're going to go out for a double date breakfast. I can't wait to see them, they make me feel so loved and wanted <3
And we're going to take lots of pictures and do lots of cuddling and have so much fun! I love them sooooo so much <33
Okay, well... I'm going to attempt to sleep now. Goodnight (:
Thursday, December 1, 2011
Venting #17- Shitty Day
Well basically I had a pretty shitty day today.. Well besides when Joey was here.
But, I just felt really sick all day and I'm fucking so tired of being sick. And then I did the dishes and whatever until Joey came over at 5 and then we hung out and had a fun time like we always do. And it was his birthday yay Joeys 17 now! xD But then after he left I tried to remove the wallpaper in the bathroom and i threw a bitch fit cause it wouldnt fucking come off. And then Zane told me he couldn't come down for my birthday. Great....
I'm in a really sad mood now.
I really like Zane a lot. But I really don't fucking know what to do anymore because me and him already tried this dating song and dance and it didn't work. But most of it was my fault because I hate getting close to people because I feel like everyone just fucks me over in the end but I have to stop thinking that way about everyone. So. I've really been trying hard to not get so angry and jealous. And I've been working on telling people how I actually feel and not always saying "its nothing" or "dont worry about it" nothing gets solved that way. And I've really really been trying to trust more... even though no one yet has given me a good reason to trust people but I'm trying to forget about all of that bull shit and just start new..... But I' just really confused on what to do at this point.
And Adam.... I really have absolutely NO fucking clue what to even think with him. At this points it really seems like he honestly doesn't give 2 shits about me. He hasn't even attempted to try and talk to me. If he really cared he would have. I just don't understand at all. But I'll tell you what.. I'm done being the first one to say "I'm sorry" cause I always have been. I think its his turn this time. If he still cares and still wants me in his life he can be the first to say sorry or talk about it. I feel like I'm always the one to save our friendship but I'm not going to this time.. he can. But so far I haven't heard shit from him. So that really makes me think that he doesn't care. Whatever I guess I'm just not worth it.
I wish I could see Zane right now //:
Goodnight.
But, I just felt really sick all day and I'm fucking so tired of being sick. And then I did the dishes and whatever until Joey came over at 5 and then we hung out and had a fun time like we always do. And it was his birthday yay Joeys 17 now! xD But then after he left I tried to remove the wallpaper in the bathroom and i threw a bitch fit cause it wouldnt fucking come off. And then Zane told me he couldn't come down for my birthday. Great....
I'm in a really sad mood now.
I really like Zane a lot. But I really don't fucking know what to do anymore because me and him already tried this dating song and dance and it didn't work. But most of it was my fault because I hate getting close to people because I feel like everyone just fucks me over in the end but I have to stop thinking that way about everyone. So. I've really been trying hard to not get so angry and jealous. And I've been working on telling people how I actually feel and not always saying "its nothing" or "dont worry about it" nothing gets solved that way. And I've really really been trying to trust more... even though no one yet has given me a good reason to trust people but I'm trying to forget about all of that bull shit and just start new..... But I' just really confused on what to do at this point.
And Adam.... I really have absolutely NO fucking clue what to even think with him. At this points it really seems like he honestly doesn't give 2 shits about me. He hasn't even attempted to try and talk to me. If he really cared he would have. I just don't understand at all. But I'll tell you what.. I'm done being the first one to say "I'm sorry" cause I always have been. I think its his turn this time. If he still cares and still wants me in his life he can be the first to say sorry or talk about it. I feel like I'm always the one to save our friendship but I'm not going to this time.. he can. But so far I haven't heard shit from him. So that really makes me think that he doesn't care. Whatever I guess I'm just not worth it.
I wish I could see Zane right now //:
Goodnight.
Wednesday, November 30, 2011
Venting #16- Ex Boyfriends.
Okay so I'm just going to cut right to the chase here... I am SO sick of Casey and his skank girlfriend Jessica. Like, seriously bitch don't add me on Facebook if your dating my ex boyfriend. Fuck off. Your a bitch and I hate you so don't add me EVER. God, she irritates me.
But, speaking of Casey I'm so over him. He's just an ass and that's what he will be forever. A pot smoking asshole.
And, speaking of pot. That shit is nasty... I hate when people use it or say "that they do". Like, A, have fun in rehab someday because your going to get addicted to it and deny that you are just like EVERYONE else I know that has had a problem with it. And, B, It pisses me off when you talk about it.
Okay... but anyways... I think I like Zane again. And I'm not going to lie it sucks. Because like I've said many, many times before... He lives so far away. And I can't do long distance relationships I just cant. I'm too needy and I get too sad when I know I cant see them all the time. But, he's just such a great guy and me and him get along perfectly and we don't argue ever. And he always knows what to say to make me feel better or make me smile when I'm crying. Last night for example.. I was Skyping him and I seriously did not stop smiling the whole time and that was over an hour. My cheeks literally were soar from smiling so much. So this situation just blows... why does he have to live far away? I don't understand the way God thinks sometimes... I always wonder why he had me meet him if he lives so far away... I wish I could like call God up and ask him questions like this. But I guess I'll have to figure it out myself. I have a lot to figure out.... /: I'm just confused on who I should be with.... D:
So yeah...
I love Reese! She's my best friend and I can't wait until I get to go up and see her in a few weeks! <3
But, speaking of Casey I'm so over him. He's just an ass and that's what he will be forever. A pot smoking asshole.
And, speaking of pot. That shit is nasty... I hate when people use it or say "that they do". Like, A, have fun in rehab someday because your going to get addicted to it and deny that you are just like EVERYONE else I know that has had a problem with it. And, B, It pisses me off when you talk about it.
Okay... but anyways... I think I like Zane again. And I'm not going to lie it sucks. Because like I've said many, many times before... He lives so far away. And I can't do long distance relationships I just cant. I'm too needy and I get too sad when I know I cant see them all the time. But, he's just such a great guy and me and him get along perfectly and we don't argue ever. And he always knows what to say to make me feel better or make me smile when I'm crying. Last night for example.. I was Skyping him and I seriously did not stop smiling the whole time and that was over an hour. My cheeks literally were soar from smiling so much. So this situation just blows... why does he have to live far away? I don't understand the way God thinks sometimes... I always wonder why he had me meet him if he lives so far away... I wish I could like call God up and ask him questions like this. But I guess I'll have to figure it out myself. I have a lot to figure out.... /: I'm just confused on who I should be with.... D:
So yeah...
I love Reese! She's my best friend and I can't wait until I get to go up and see her in a few weeks! <3
Monday, November 28, 2011
Venting #15: Done
Well... Im done. Im done trying to make things better because it seems like you really could give a shit less about me. You dont want to see me, talk to me or come over anymore. Its like im nothing.. well i guess if thats all i am to you then im done.
Thanks for the last 7 years.. thank you for being there for me. And im sorry i was such an awful friend, i mean i must have been since you dont give me the time if day anymore. So sorry for being an awful best friend. I hope you have a good life and find everything your looking for. So i guess thats it. Ill leave you alone. I can delete your number and off of facebook cause it probably wouldn't matter to you anyways.
Thanks for the last 7 years.. thank you for being there for me. And im sorry i was such an awful friend, i mean i must have been since you dont give me the time if day anymore. So sorry for being an awful best friend. I hope you have a good life and find everything your looking for. So i guess thats it. Ill leave you alone. I can delete your number and off of facebook cause it probably wouldn't matter to you anyways.
Monday, November 14, 2011
Venting #14- Dear Best Friend...
Dear Best Friend,
I just wanted to start off by saying that I love you with my whole heart. You are my best friend and you will always always be my best friend. I will never be able to thank you enough for always being there for me and always wiping away my tears and staying up all hours of the night to talk to me, I will never ever forget all those times and how much you have helped me. But, you need to know that I am done fighting to be in your life. Because I always feel like I have to fight to keep myself in your life, I feel like once I've become an important part of your life something happens and I have to fight for it again. Over and over and over. I don't want to have to fight for it anymore... It would just be nice to know that I'll always be part of your life and I'm not just going to be forgotten. I'm so sick of feeling forgotten by you. And, I'm not trying to be selfish... and I'm glad that you have new people in your life you care about but this is how it goes every single time... We become very, very close and it stays that way for a while until we get into a fight and then you meet someone else, get very, very close with them and then you barely remember I'm living and then sometime down the line you think "hey, i miss Sara" and then we talk and become close again. It happens over and over and over. And I'm just done... If you want a break from me.. fine. If you want me to leave you alone... fine. If you want me out of your life... fine, if thats what you wanted. But, just let me know these things straight up. Because I'm sick of playing these games. I'm sick of having to guess. If you want me to back off let me know. Because that's what I've been getting from you for the last week. I feel like I'm a nothing to you again. I feel like I should just leave you alone. And I guess thats what I'll do. Because you don't seem like you want to see me or talk to me. Oh I loved how excited you were to see me tonight too..... thanks for saying nothing to me. Thats what I expected though. Because now theres someone else in your life... and really, really, really I dont care that there is. I dont care that you talk to her, spend time with her whatever thats not the issue. The issue is when you stop talking to me. When you ignore me. When I feel like I'm just nothing to you. It makes me feel like I was the worst "best friend" ever... It hurts...
So basically what I'm saying... Is, I'm tired of these games. If you dont put any effort in talking to me.. why should I anymore? I'm done being the one that makes it better. If you still want me as your best friend let me know otherwise just keep ignoring me... I'll get the hint.
I just wanted to start off by saying that I love you with my whole heart. You are my best friend and you will always always be my best friend. I will never be able to thank you enough for always being there for me and always wiping away my tears and staying up all hours of the night to talk to me, I will never ever forget all those times and how much you have helped me. But, you need to know that I am done fighting to be in your life. Because I always feel like I have to fight to keep myself in your life, I feel like once I've become an important part of your life something happens and I have to fight for it again. Over and over and over. I don't want to have to fight for it anymore... It would just be nice to know that I'll always be part of your life and I'm not just going to be forgotten. I'm so sick of feeling forgotten by you. And, I'm not trying to be selfish... and I'm glad that you have new people in your life you care about but this is how it goes every single time... We become very, very close and it stays that way for a while until we get into a fight and then you meet someone else, get very, very close with them and then you barely remember I'm living and then sometime down the line you think "hey, i miss Sara" and then we talk and become close again. It happens over and over and over. And I'm just done... If you want a break from me.. fine. If you want me to leave you alone... fine. If you want me out of your life... fine, if thats what you wanted. But, just let me know these things straight up. Because I'm sick of playing these games. I'm sick of having to guess. If you want me to back off let me know. Because that's what I've been getting from you for the last week. I feel like I'm a nothing to you again. I feel like I should just leave you alone. And I guess thats what I'll do. Because you don't seem like you want to see me or talk to me. Oh I loved how excited you were to see me tonight too..... thanks for saying nothing to me. Thats what I expected though. Because now theres someone else in your life... and really, really, really I dont care that there is. I dont care that you talk to her, spend time with her whatever thats not the issue. The issue is when you stop talking to me. When you ignore me. When I feel like I'm just nothing to you. It makes me feel like I was the worst "best friend" ever... It hurts...
So basically what I'm saying... Is, I'm tired of these games. If you dont put any effort in talking to me.. why should I anymore? I'm done being the one that makes it better. If you still want me as your best friend let me know otherwise just keep ignoring me... I'll get the hint.
Saturday, November 12, 2011
Venting #13- Friendships
I got through 11/11/11 without any alcohol, I am actually quite impressed with myself. And you might wonder what I would need alcohol for this date... Well, It happens to be the anniversary of Casey and Jessica. It was there 2 year anniversary. And not to mention the 2 year anniversary of the day I gave him my necklace back. Once I heard him and Jessica were serious and I heard he was going to ask her out I gave him his necklace back that he had given me. I'll never forget the look on his face, he looked hurt, crushed, the look you have when you realize the thing you had with someone is over. It wasn't over though, never will be for me, but he still thinks it is and I'm starting to be okay with that.
Friendship is a very fragile thing, just like love. Sometimes friendships turn into romance, sometimes they come crashing down. Sometimes they are made out of envy and greed and sometimes out of pity.
I'm having a lot of trouble with the "friendships turning into romance" area. I'm not sure if or who I have feelings for. I'm very confused... Maybe I just need to talk to someone about it because usually when I do and I go through and talk about each person in the end I know who to pick. Or maybe I just haven't found the right guy to date yet. I really don't know.
There's this guy that lives really far away but every time we Skype I always laugh and smile because I'm not afraid to be myself around him and time just gets lost when I talk to him. But, it didn't work last time we dated... its too hard for me to have a long distance relationship, I'm very needy and a huge cuddle bug.
Then there's another guy that lives close like 2 miles away and he makes me feel really special and pretty and he always puts me first and that really means a lot. And we always have really deep conversations and I'm not afraid to let everything out. But, his parents are rather judgmental and i know they wouldn't like me and I dont want to date someone who's parents think I'm not good enough.
And the last guy, I've known him for a very long time and he said he's loved me the whole time he's known me and that I was the girl he would pick over anyone. And I have this really bug attraction to him I always want to kiss him and I want him to hold me whenever I'm with him. But, he has a girlfriend and he can be very bipolar he says one thing but means another. Its just so complicated with him.
I'm really stuck in a rut here. I don't know what to do. I guess I need to see all of them. I haven't seen the first guy since June and the last 2 for 2 weeks. I just need to talk to them I guess and figure out where I stand with them. I just hate being so forward about it. But, I have to do what I have to do...
And since were talking about friendships... Me and my best friends friendship, is not doing so well right now. I love him so so so so fucking much, I love him with my whole damn heart. But, I'm just a little hurt by how he said I don't care... I wish he would stop saying that when we get into fights or when I get into my funks where I feel lost and I just don't want to talk to anyone. I hope he really knows I do care. I care about him more then anyone else. Me and him have gone through more things then I've gone through with anyone and we've always been by each others side no matter what. And I guess... I haven't been a very good friend lately, I've been cranky and irritable and mean. I've been really mean.... Oh shit.... this is all my fault. I've been so distant and lost. I just... I'm not sure who I am sometimes. I want to be so much more successful and outgoing then I am but I just don't know how, I just feel lost, alone and confused right now. And he's the only constant I've had and most of the time I push around my constant and I push them away and... I guess its a test I do, to see if they will really stay even when I've pushed them to the extreme and hurt them. And he always has stayed. Always. I need to text him, Fuck.. I wish he was up right now.
Gotta go.
Friendship is a very fragile thing, just like love. Sometimes friendships turn into romance, sometimes they come crashing down. Sometimes they are made out of envy and greed and sometimes out of pity.
I'm having a lot of trouble with the "friendships turning into romance" area. I'm not sure if or who I have feelings for. I'm very confused... Maybe I just need to talk to someone about it because usually when I do and I go through and talk about each person in the end I know who to pick. Or maybe I just haven't found the right guy to date yet. I really don't know.
There's this guy that lives really far away but every time we Skype I always laugh and smile because I'm not afraid to be myself around him and time just gets lost when I talk to him. But, it didn't work last time we dated... its too hard for me to have a long distance relationship, I'm very needy and a huge cuddle bug.
Then there's another guy that lives close like 2 miles away and he makes me feel really special and pretty and he always puts me first and that really means a lot. And we always have really deep conversations and I'm not afraid to let everything out. But, his parents are rather judgmental and i know they wouldn't like me and I dont want to date someone who's parents think I'm not good enough.
And the last guy, I've known him for a very long time and he said he's loved me the whole time he's known me and that I was the girl he would pick over anyone. And I have this really bug attraction to him I always want to kiss him and I want him to hold me whenever I'm with him. But, he has a girlfriend and he can be very bipolar he says one thing but means another. Its just so complicated with him.
I'm really stuck in a rut here. I don't know what to do. I guess I need to see all of them. I haven't seen the first guy since June and the last 2 for 2 weeks. I just need to talk to them I guess and figure out where I stand with them. I just hate being so forward about it. But, I have to do what I have to do...
And since were talking about friendships... Me and my best friends friendship, is not doing so well right now. I love him so so so so fucking much, I love him with my whole damn heart. But, I'm just a little hurt by how he said I don't care... I wish he would stop saying that when we get into fights or when I get into my funks where I feel lost and I just don't want to talk to anyone. I hope he really knows I do care. I care about him more then anyone else. Me and him have gone through more things then I've gone through with anyone and we've always been by each others side no matter what. And I guess... I haven't been a very good friend lately, I've been cranky and irritable and mean. I've been really mean.... Oh shit.... this is all my fault. I've been so distant and lost. I just... I'm not sure who I am sometimes. I want to be so much more successful and outgoing then I am but I just don't know how, I just feel lost, alone and confused right now. And he's the only constant I've had and most of the time I push around my constant and I push them away and... I guess its a test I do, to see if they will really stay even when I've pushed them to the extreme and hurt them. And he always has stayed. Always. I need to text him, Fuck.. I wish he was up right now.
Gotta go.
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