I got through 11/11/11 without any alcohol, I am actually quite impressed with myself. And you might wonder what I would need alcohol for this date... Well, It happens to be the anniversary of Casey and Jessica. It was there 2 year anniversary. And not to mention the 2 year anniversary of the day I gave him my necklace back. Once I heard him and Jessica were serious and I heard he was going to ask her out I gave him his necklace back that he had given me. I'll never forget the look on his face, he looked hurt, crushed, the look you have when you realize the thing you had with someone is over. It wasn't over though, never will be for me, but he still thinks it is and I'm starting to be okay with that.
Friendship is a very fragile thing, just like love. Sometimes friendships turn into romance, sometimes they come crashing down. Sometimes they are made out of envy and greed and sometimes out of pity.
I'm having a lot of trouble with the "friendships turning into romance" area. I'm not sure if or who I have feelings for. I'm very confused... Maybe I just need to talk to someone about it because usually when I do and I go through and talk about each person in the end I know who to pick. Or maybe I just haven't found the right guy to date yet. I really don't know.
There's this guy that lives really far away but every time we Skype I always laugh and smile because I'm not afraid to be myself around him and time just gets lost when I talk to him. But, it didn't work last time we dated... its too hard for me to have a long distance relationship, I'm very needy and a huge cuddle bug.
Then there's another guy that lives close like 2 miles away and he makes me feel really special and pretty and he always puts me first and that really means a lot. And we always have really deep conversations and I'm not afraid to let everything out. But, his parents are rather judgmental and i know they wouldn't like me and I dont want to date someone who's parents think I'm not good enough.
And the last guy, I've known him for a very long time and he said he's loved me the whole time he's known me and that I was the girl he would pick over anyone. And I have this really bug attraction to him I always want to kiss him and I want him to hold me whenever I'm with him. But, he has a girlfriend and he can be very bipolar he says one thing but means another. Its just so complicated with him.
I'm really stuck in a rut here. I don't know what to do. I guess I need to see all of them. I haven't seen the first guy since June and the last 2 for 2 weeks. I just need to talk to them I guess and figure out where I stand with them. I just hate being so forward about it. But, I have to do what I have to do...
And since were talking about friendships... Me and my best friends friendship, is not doing so well right now. I love him so so so so fucking much, I love him with my whole damn heart. But, I'm just a little hurt by how he said I don't care... I wish he would stop saying that when we get into fights or when I get into my funks where I feel lost and I just don't want to talk to anyone. I hope he really knows I do care. I care about him more then anyone else. Me and him have gone through more things then I've gone through with anyone and we've always been by each others side no matter what. And I guess... I haven't been a very good friend lately, I've been cranky and irritable and mean. I've been really mean.... Oh shit.... this is all my fault. I've been so distant and lost. I just... I'm not sure who I am sometimes. I want to be so much more successful and outgoing then I am but I just don't know how, I just feel lost, alone and confused right now. And he's the only constant I've had and most of the time I push around my constant and I push them away and... I guess its a test I do, to see if they will really stay even when I've pushed them to the extreme and hurt them. And he always has stayed. Always. I need to text him, Fuck.. I wish he was up right now.
Gotta go.
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