So today, I went grocery shopping and got eggnog and apple cider! Fuck yeah <3 And I found a recipe for spiked apple cider and guess what its spiked with... Crown Royal! And I have some! Yes! And I also Skyped Zane and Reese and then after Reese when to bed I just skyped zane for like 2 hours (:
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So this idea just jumped into my brain... I think for Christmas I'm going to repaint Emily's room and get her a new comforter and stuff :D
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But anyways... Lately I've really been thinking a lot about the beginning of summer. I really miss it. I miss my Reese and I miss my Llogie bear and I miss my David. I hate that all of us never ever ever talk. We all used to be such good friends.. like wtf. It makes me really sad. Reese was my best best best friend I told her absolutely everything and I called her like 3 times a day. And now we maybe shoot eachother 20 texts a day. I mean, she still is my best friend but we're really distant. And I miss the shit out of her. I miss skyping like every second and when she comes to visit me. And I love when she crushes up Butterfingers into my icecream and feeds it to me when I'm sick <3
And David, shit, I'd hang out with him and Adam like every fucking day and now I dont even hear from him, and I miss him. He's really helped me through a lot and was always there to hold me when I cry and hold my hand if I got really upset. Like, the night we had to go to fuck faces house to get Reese's stuff and I didn't want to see creeper so he held my hand the whole way there and back so I'd know someone was there. And that same night when we got back to Adams and Llogan was like forcing me to talk about it and I didnt want to, he stood up for me and held me tight when I cried. That just really meant a lot to me.
And Llogan, well, I did have a pretty big crush on him. He just made me feel special and believe it or not he even helped me get over Casey a little. Because when I had a crush on Casey I would always get nervous when he would come over and, Casey lived next door to my best friend at the time.. Funny huh? So, it just helped me get over him because I realized I actually can have a crush on someone like that again. And Llogan helped me on one of the scariest nights of my life. He was the one that picked up my phone call and for that I am FOREVER greatful.
So... I just really miss them a lot. I could honestly start crying right now. I miss "the group" a lot. But, no one could ever replace any of them no matter how distant we might get. <3 And thats the truth.
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Yeah, so... My mind is very very complicated. Right as I think I've got things figured out... BAM! Nope, I change my mind. I tend to do that a lot. I change my mind a lot. I really need to figure things out. Because in all honesty I've been leading some people on. And I have no idea where my feelings lye. I'm being too much like my dad, we've been hurt our whole lifes so we tend to hurt other people because well... this is sick to admit... but I think there's this part inside of us where we want to hurt other people because we want them to feel the pain we've been feeling for years. And you know what, yes... Its AWFUL. BITCHY. DISGUSTING. But, its not intentional. Its just what we do. We cheat. We put up walls. We lead people on. We can't get close because everyone hurts us so we ignore them and find reasons to leave them.
I can't stop it. Its this mad insane cycle that never ends. But I really don't mean to... I don't want to hurt anyone intentionally.
But I guess I hurt Adams feelings because he "feels like" I don't care anymore... Like, I'm sorry but what the fuck... that pissed me off so hardcore I flipped dick. I just can't believe he said I don't care... again. I do. I just have been crabby because of the time of month. And I feel like all I'm doing is leading him on with my constant obsessive calling and texting and cuddling.. I feel guilty because he's my best friend and thats how I want things to stay between us.. Best Friends. So I feel like I need to stop the cuddling, kissing, constant calling and texting. I didn't stop texting him because "I dont care" thats not it at all... I love him with all my heart... But I think he might love me in a different way then I love him... But thats my fault.. I was leading him on without even really realizing it. So I'm stopping that. I feel so bad though. Shit...
I'm also really confused on who I like.. I'm not sure if I like anyone or not... I think I might have a crush on someone but I'm not sure.. I'll find out soon enough though. And if I end up not liking anyone I guess thats okay too.. guys make my brain go nuts.. I could use a break xD But then again I really wouldn't mind being able to cuddle up with someone thats actually "mine" and what not. I wont go on about this again because I have in like every other post xD
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Lately I've been Listening to "Shinedown" I really like these two songs: "The Crow and The Butterfly" and "Call Me" <3
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Reese and Zane said that they are going to try and come down for my birthday! I hope they can! That would be amazing (: 57 days!
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Christmas is in 44 days <3
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Today fucking blows... You know whats on this date? Casey and Jessica's 2 year anniversary. Yup... I'm getting drunk.
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Now I'm gunna watch Family Guy :D
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