Sad and Scared

Sometimes I don't understand why I am the way I am...

 Lately I've felt so sad about pretty much everything. I feel like I have to force every smile I put on my face, and I hate it.But, I started taking my pills again so hopefully that will make me feel better in a few weeks. And I get to go to Wisconsin this weekend so maybe that will help me relax a little.

One of the reasons I've been sad lately is because I feel like I've been annoying the shit out of Adam. I just feel bad because I feel so needy all the time. Lately I just really want him to kiss me and hold me. And I know its bothering him with how affectionate I'm being. But, I can't help it... He's always been that one person that I KNOW loves me and cares about me, so I just constantly want him to show it because honestly no one else does... I have to basically pry an I love you out of my dad. My mom hasn't told me in years. My sister is not affectionate at all so she never says it. Tom, Matt and David left. Joey's in school. And I don't even talk to Reese anymore. So basically the only person left to make me feel loved is him. And I guess I just have to get over being so clingy and needy all the time and give him his space. 

But one thing that makes me even more sad about the situation is I feel like Adam is starting to lose feelings for me. I don't know if I'm just insane or what... But before when he kissed me I could just tell and feel how much he loved me. And the way he looked at me would send shivers down my spine. He always looked at me like I was the most beautiful girl he had ever seen. And every time I looked at my phone I would have the sweetest message from him that just made my heart melt. And also for a while, we would lay down in my bed to go to sleep and we would end up staying up until 6am talking about how much we loved each other.. hearing him tell me how much he loved me meant more to me then I could ever explain...  It just makes me sad because lately I just don't feel the love in his kiss anymore and I don't feel beautiful anymore.... I know that he loves me with his whole heart. But, I just miss feeling and knowing how loved I am.

I'm going to try and lay low for the next few weeks though and give him his space. I'm scared he's going to get sick of me /: 

I just hate feeling like this.. ):

Done.

Im turning off my phone for a while cause I'm tired of it and im tired of stupid selfish people. And I just need sleep cause I'm sick and I'm exhausted from this weekend. So if you can't get a hold of me that's why.

The Truth.

Since when are emotions things that you can just play with, like a new toy?

I'm sick of all this fighting. And I'm sick of all this drama.
I either just want to fix things or just end them once and for all. Because I really can't take much more of this back and forth stuff. I would much rather fix things, but lately it seems like no one cares enough to. So if thats the case and no one gives a shit then I'm just going to be done. Because I'm not going to make myself depressed all over again for people who really don't give a fuck.

Adam-

I'm sorry that you feel like I'd rather hang out with and talk to Joey instead of you and I'm sorry that you feel like you have to "one up Joey" and try so hard to get my attention. Me and him just got close after you left and wouldn't talk to me. I mean what did you want me to do? Sit around for those 3 months and just wait and cry? I literally would have gone insane. I don't know what to do Adam. I feel like I can't win here. I want to be best friends again and I want to hang out more and talk more and be like it used to be. But it seems like you really honestly could give a shit less if we are even friends. I mean if thats the case then please let me know.. Because I can just stop trying and I can leave you alone if thats really what you want. I'm just sick of always feeling like a burden to you, and I hate feeling like I don't matter. Do you have any idea how much that hurts me? Do you have any idea how much I cry because all I want is for us to be close again. I just want to matter to you as much as I used to. I get really really jealous when you find all these new people to talk to because I feel like I'm being replaced. And I get really jealous when you go up to Reese's because I feel left out, I feel like she's better then me.. I feel like you love and care about her a lot more then you do me... And it hurts my feelings so much...


Reese-

I'm hate arguing with you. I'm tired of it.
You like Thomas.. okay fine you like him, I understand. I'm done telling you to take a break from guys because I just want you to be happy. And if he's really what makes you happy then I accept, I approve. Not that you  needed my approval but I just thought I'd let you know that I approve and I'm done fighting against it. And I'm going to be honest I guess I'm just jealous of Thomas/Gilbe because all of a sudden your full attention is on him and then he goes to see you and now he's trying to come up every other weekend and he wants to move there. It's like, all of a sudden instead of you wanting me to come up, you want him and Adam to come up. And you tell me you miss me yet you never say hey, come see me. Its more like, Oh I miss you so much and I wish you were here, then 5 seconds later your talking about how your excited to see Adam and Gilbe cause they are coming to see you. Its basically like a huge slap in the face to me. It just makes me feel really unwanted by you. Like I'm being replaced...


I doubt you guys will ever read this but if you do there is the truth. Bottom line, I'm hurt and I want to stop all this arguing.

Hurt

I've been up for about and hour and a half. Its eight fifty-three a.m. and already my day is bad and I want to cry.

I couldn't fall asleep until 5 in the morning... I woke up at 7:30 cause my dad asked me to bring George in from outside in a few minutes. Well after about ten minutes it was way to quiet outside so I went to check on him and he's gone. So I have to go get dressed and go find him. Well, my sister had taken some of the wheels off of my rollerblades so they were loose and not screwed on all the way. So I had to put them on and try to rollerblade with loose wheels. Well I found him down the path with a lady and two other dogs... George wouldn't fucking listen to me so I had to rollerblade home and get my dad to drive his truck to the ladys house to get my dog. That took like 20 minutes to get him in the truck. But I finally got him into the house. I'm tired as fuck.

And now I managed to piss of Adam and he won't text me back. I just fail... /:
Ever since our huge fight I feel like I just can't hang on to him anymore. Nothing feels the same about our friendship. He keeps saying how he wants me to believe it when he says he loves me and not question it. I want to just believe it, I really really do. But, how can I... He basically left me for 3 months. I understand why he did it.. But still... It fucking hurt so bad. It hurts when your best friend just leaves without an explanation. 3 months without a call or a text. Its like he just vanished. I cried all the time because I missed him so much. But, nothing I said or did made him want to talk to me again.
He promised me he would never leave because he knows how hurt I get when people leave me. He had seen me cry over Casey, my brother, my mom, my old friends, and he saw how much that hurt me. But he still did... and I think that's what hurt the worst... that he had seen what could break me and promised not to ever do it, but still did.

I just want things to go back to how they were between us. But, I just feel like its so hard to get back to that point... I'm scared he'll leave me again. I feel like he's always annoyed of me and I hate it ):

I just want to cry right now. For the first time in my life I want to leave. I want to get out of Minnesota and just start somewhere new. Cause I'm starting to feel lost here. I don't know who to turn to sometimes. So lately I just try to keep my mouth shut. Because I realized the other day when I was crying that I didn't know who to call to talk to. I didn't want to bother anyone with my problems so I just kept them to myself.

I cant fucking sleep!

So, right now I am in Glenwood. And I CANT SLEEP.  AT ALL. Its fucking -8 degrees out and Im freezing. Well, not that I'm like, sleeping outside or anything... but it's still beyond cold in here. I need a cuddle buddy /: And also I only get 2g mobile internet here which means I can't even watch Netflix on my phone. So that's why I decided to blog xD

I think another reason I can't sleep is because I'm really excited for today! I can't wait to get up and drink some warm coffee and have breakfast! And then we will probably go into town after that and pick up some Bacardi Limon from the Grog Shop because me and my dad kinda polished it off last night... XD And then I need to go pick up a few things and I want to see the new hardware store they built up here. Yes, I actually want to go look at the hardware store and see what they have.. thats what happens when your dads owned a hardware store your whole life.

And also, tomorrow is the Chili Cook off! I LOVE being part of that.  It's so much fun because my family goes ALL OUT.  We pick a theme and then we decorate out booth accordingly and we dress up to fit our theme. This year is sports theme and were trying to raise money for Jack Jablonski. So were all going to put on some sort of sports Jersey and then serve our chili. I'm so excited I love being part of that.
And then when we get done with  the Chili cook off we will probably have dinner at Lakeside like we usually do and then go back to the house, start a fire and have some drinks.. and maybe sneak a few cigs with my aunt (;

I just really want it to be 8... then someone will be up and I wont be so bored! Or 6:45... Cause then Zane gets up and I can text him! Speaking of Zane... I fucking love him! He's the best boyfriend I've ever had (:

Speaking of boys... I really don't fucking understand some of them. Like Matt for example. Like, okay... So he's apparently liked me for years now. And during this last summer me and him got very close and we ended up kissing all the time... Even though he has a girlfriend... And you think that if he REALLY wanted to be with me hr would have broken up with her but did he? No. Cause he's stupid. So now that I have a boyfriend he won't talk to me.  He won't even give me the time of day... Like what the fuck... He has no reason to be mad at me. If anything I should be the one mad at him!  Ugh....... Whatever. I just don't understand at all.

K my fingers hurt... Bye!

The Past.

I know that things that happened to me in the past helped make me who I am today. But, I fucking hate when I have do deal with the people and old situations from the past.


On January 23rd my old best friend from 10th grade texted me and was telling me about some bull shit rumor that my ex is starting. Apparently, "I'm over 8 months pregnant with his kid and    he broke up with me and I've been heart broken ever since." Haha that douche wishes I still gave a shit. He's a liar and I've never been happier that I broke up with someone <3 But, then my old best friend started texting me and was like "I miss you" and "Remember when.." and was asking me if I wanted to hang out and... No, I don't want to hang out. Everything that happened is in the past and I'm not going to go back to who I was in 10th grade..


On January 27th I had a dream about a different ex boyfriend.. and in this dream, for some reason, I had to live with him and his girlfriend... what the fuck kind of dream is that... It was an awful dream. I woke up so sad. I wish those dreams about him would stop... I don't want to have them anymore. They hurt.


Today, My ex best friend from 7-9th grade texted me. She said "so sorry to hear about nathan and mallory." Like shut the fuck up bitch, I could give 2 shits about him. I hope they are very happy together. I guess she really likes douche bags.. good for her!


Also, today my dads ex girlfriends daughter, Kelli, texted me and asked how I was. That broke my heart a little bit because it reminds me how much I miss them. My dad was ready to Marry Kelli's mom Patti. But then what happened... they leave us. Like people usually do. I feel so bad for my dad... its been hard for him to get over that. But, I'm proud of him for coming this far.




I wish people from the past would just stay in the past. Because that's where we left them and moved on... I mean, I guess we can't just run from the past forever, eventually it catches up with us. But, I wish it would all just stay there.

I'm Sorry.

I know that things between us have been very rocky lately and I just wanted to say sorry for everything that's happened. I'm sorry for not trying to get you back when I probably should have. But, just for once I wanted you to come after me so I knew I was important to you. But... it happened and now its over. I just hope that we can put all of that shit behind us now and go back to being as good of friends as we used to be. Cause I can't lose you after 7 years of being best friends... I won't let that happen.

But anyways... Another thing I want to apologize for is because I know you've been sad lately and I feel like its my fault... Like, I feel like I stole all your friends that you were close to. That wasn't my intention though. I just really connected to everyone at one point and time. I hope you can forgive me for all of this because I really love you and I just want to put all of these fights and arguments in the past and just be best friends again.

I love you boo. And I always will. Like I said in the scrapbook... You will ALWAYS be my best friend, no matter what. Text me anytime if you need to talk.