Word of advice, don't have sugar if you have trouble sleeping at night. Whoops... That was a bad idea. But i figured its okay just for tonight, because I really wanted to watch 'Friends' and I slept way too long today, until like 5pm, so maybe if i stay up all night and day i'll be able to sleep tomorrow night, I think this will work.
The reason I slept so long this afternoon is because well for one, I haven't gotten much sleep lately and I had a whole bunch of random weird dreams. One was about Casey of course, and he was texting me and finally for once I asked him how him and Jessica were and he said great because he loved her so much. So maybe that's god trying to tell me "hey, he loves her.. not you" maybe he's trying to show me that closure between me and Casey. I guess I just don't want to see it. I want to keep thinking he will show up at my door one day and tell me he still loves me. But I know that won't happen. I must be really annoying Adam... because every time I talk to him I ask him "Why do guys like me?" And he tells me the same thing every time... I just don't get why they do though it's like, what are these other guys seeing in me that Casey doesn't? Why can't he see the same things? Just that one question alone drives me insane and can make me cry for hours on end. And... I don't want to tell people this, and I probably never will admit this because it just seems pathetic and stupid. But one of the reasons I feel so sad and depressed is because of Casey. I don't think anyone will really understand how much I really did love him. He's the guy I compare all the others too. He's the one that made me understand what love actually feels like. This will sound totally cheesy but with him it was love at first sight. The first day I ever saw him and talked to him my heart instantly melted, it was the weirdest feeling. After just talking to him for the first time I knew that I wanted him to be mine. And when he finally was about 3 months later.. I don't remember ever being as happy. I never laughed or smiled as much or missed anyone so much when I wasn't with them. I could have easily layed in his arms for hours and hours and talk about everything. And when i kissed him it was literally like magic. i got butterflies every single time. We had a real spark. Something I haven't felt since with anyone. I wish and I hope some day I'll feel that again because if I do, i'll know he's the guy I can love second most.
And I just need to say this. I regret this everyday so much, that it plays inside my head every fucking day... About a week after we broke up I saw him at Jessica's locker talking to her and I remember I just cried and cried and cried, and I have NEVER cried in school before that. I was walking to my next class, still crying, and he saw me ran after me, grabbed my arm and looked at me and just said "Sara.." But I didnt want to hear what he had to say he was talking to my ex best friend, that fucking backstabber, so I just pushed his hand away and kept walking......... I wish I would have listened, And told him I still wanted him. But if he loved me he would have tried harder. But i regret that, everyday.
Somedays I wonder if he ever sits up like this and thinks about these kinds of things or wonders about me. Wonders what i'm doing. Or if i still love him. I wish i knew. But I bet he doesn't think about me, I wish he did.
I need to stop caring so damn much about him. I can't stop. And no amount of alcohol in this world will stop it either, believe me i've tried. Crying doesn't help. Smoking doesn't help. Dating doesn't help. Nothing helps. Nothing makes it easier. Especially not these fucking dreams I have.
I need a hug.
Bad.
Like, now.
Good thing my puppy is here. I loves him.
Now I guess I'll watch Netflix. Comedy? Yeah.. I'm thinking so.
Friday, September 30, 2011
Saturday, September 24, 2011
Venting #3 -Insomniac
I can't ever fucking sleep. Ever.
I have secrets in me that are just eating me up alive. I have no clue what or who I want anymore.
I think I'll just be the little old lady that lived in a shoe, why the fuck not. Cause I can't ever choose one guy and be happy. And I have no idea why.. I think I need therapy in all seriousness. I have extreme relationship issues... And yeah, I'm young but... These feeling can't be right. I mean liking someone so much and then once it gets too serious I bail. I mean, I have a feeling i know why I do that. Its because every single time I have someone in my life that I love and trust they leave, it happens all the time. Shall I make a list?
Pam- My mother, who constantly argued with me, made me feel like shit, and now doesn't care.
Ryan- My brother, who got a new family and stopped talking to me.
Patti- My dads girlfriend who I told everything too, left us.
Kelli- Patti's daughter who I became very close too, left.
Casey- The love of my life. Left me for my best friend at the time. And now could care less.
Jamie- Best friend that stopped talking to me because of his "new" girlfriend.
Sam- Best friend that also stopped talking to me because of his "new" girlfriend.
Mariah- Best friend of three years. Who stopped talking to me and turned on me.
Jessica- Best friend who i trusted, stole Casey and Mariah from me.
Yeah, so maybe thats why I dont like to get close to people... Look what they all did. These are some of the people who I trusted 100% and i loved them with everything I had. It still hurts everyday..
I'm sick of slapping on a fake smile and pretending i'm just dandy. I'm way, way too much like my dad. Alcoholic, Always want someone to love us but always push away the people who try to love us, Can't stay with one person for more then a few months, and we put on a fake smile until we're alone. And I dont know how to fix it. I wish i did though /:
Blah, I feel sick now... I need a cig and a hug. /:
I have secrets in me that are just eating me up alive. I have no clue what or who I want anymore.
I think I'll just be the little old lady that lived in a shoe, why the fuck not. Cause I can't ever choose one guy and be happy. And I have no idea why.. I think I need therapy in all seriousness. I have extreme relationship issues... And yeah, I'm young but... These feeling can't be right. I mean liking someone so much and then once it gets too serious I bail. I mean, I have a feeling i know why I do that. Its because every single time I have someone in my life that I love and trust they leave, it happens all the time. Shall I make a list?
Pam- My mother, who constantly argued with me, made me feel like shit, and now doesn't care.
Ryan- My brother, who got a new family and stopped talking to me.
Patti- My dads girlfriend who I told everything too, left us.
Kelli- Patti's daughter who I became very close too, left.
Casey- The love of my life. Left me for my best friend at the time. And now could care less.
Jamie- Best friend that stopped talking to me because of his "new" girlfriend.
Sam- Best friend that also stopped talking to me because of his "new" girlfriend.
Mariah- Best friend of three years. Who stopped talking to me and turned on me.
Jessica- Best friend who i trusted, stole Casey and Mariah from me.
Yeah, so maybe thats why I dont like to get close to people... Look what they all did. These are some of the people who I trusted 100% and i loved them with everything I had. It still hurts everyday..
I'm sick of slapping on a fake smile and pretending i'm just dandy. I'm way, way too much like my dad. Alcoholic, Always want someone to love us but always push away the people who try to love us, Can't stay with one person for more then a few months, and we put on a fake smile until we're alone. And I dont know how to fix it. I wish i did though /:
Blah, I feel sick now... I need a cig and a hug. /:
Wednesday, September 21, 2011
Venting #2 -Day Number 5 Without A Cig
So, this is now the fifth day without a cig. And, i'm not going to lie... I was doing perfectly fine until for some reason i just happened to have a dream about Casey. Awesome... Well, now I want a fucking cig!
So, this dream I had about Casey was awful... He married that fucking slut who i shall not name because her name makes me cringe. But yeah, my dream was about being at their wedding and -she who will not be named- was just being a huge bitch to me and I was crying a lot and Casey saw me and he just didn't seem to care... so basically it was just like reality only they are not getting married in real life...well... i hope not. But I was crying so hard in my dream I wouldn't be surprised if I actually started crying. And in my dream they like legit got married and I sat there at the wedding watching.. I don't know why! I mean, i didn't even object or anything. But after it was all done i remember I cried more and started drinking. Ugh... Fuck dreams! And i shouldn't even be saying dream cause it was a nightmare! It makes no sense to me why I still care about him. Once i figure that out for myself I'll let you know.
Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.
--------------------------------------------------------------
So anyways... I've been listening to this song called "Broken Arrow" by Pixie Lott a lot and I really really really love this song. Because its like my perfect song, legit. Its a great song.
I wanna go see Reese like now. She makes me feel better about stupid boys like Casey. I think i'm gunna try to convince Tom to talk to his parents and let me go up to Grand Forks with him so i can see her this weekend maybe possibly if shes not busy. But i doubt that will happen D: OR I wanna make/ask one of the guys with a car bring me there next weekend. Cause i needs her! But if all else fails i am like DETERMINED to go down there over MEA break. Cause I like need to see Reese asap cause she is my best friend so yeah. I love her.
I'm worried about Llogan. I mean he drives me insane some times and he says absolutely rediculous things that sometimes hurts people but still... I love him. And I'm worried that the fight we got in was part of the reason he went, well, crazy. I wanna know what happened.. But after he gets back I have a feeling he wont talk to me. And who knows when he will get back /: He was talking to me one time about how he had to go to some place for 45 days or something but i think that was for a different reason... So i'm hoping it won't be that long. /: I wish he would get better.
I hate the new facebook. Its really dumb and confusing.. Just saying.
I'm rather hungry but i'm not at the same time... My weird appetite again. I seriously think not smoking is causing this. But I don't need to be hungry anyways. I feel fat when I eat and I need to be skinny! Adam always gets mad at me when i say that, he says "You're skinny right now!" But hes crazy.
Boys are still confusing as hell... they seriously need to make there minds up about things. For example: You cant basically tell a girl you like her and then chicken out half way in. Come on... grow a bigger pair! You can do it! Yay for my pep talks! Lawl.
So I really want it to be Christmas! I love Christmas so much. Cause it's just like a magical time and it feels like the things you want are so much more in reach. It feels like, well, heres an example.. it feels like the boy your in love with will all of a sudden realize they love you too and drive as fast as he can to your house knock on your door and kiss you. Then live happily ever after <3 Too bad that won't happen. But fuck, i can dream right? /: Anyways... I do love Christmas time for other reasons though, I love decorating the tree and the smell of Pine trees are amazing. And I love making cookies and decorating them. And singing Christmas carols with the radio. And i haven't celebrated christmas with anyone that i could loose, like a boyfriend for example. I've never spent Christmas with a boyfriend and I think I am going to keep it that way because i know if i have them there and then we break up I will freaking hate Christmas and that would not be good. I mean there was that one Christmas i had to spend with Patti and Kelli and now there not in my life, but, lucky im over that. I feel bad for my dad though cause I know he really misses Patti, he really loved her. But thats a different story.
Fuck, that all just made me sad. I hate Casey. Well, not really... I actually love him. But I'll just say I hate him to make it easier on me. I hate Casey!
Dammit .
I'm done thinking now its making me a little sad.. Shit. Okay bye.
So, this dream I had about Casey was awful... He married that fucking slut who i shall not name because her name makes me cringe. But yeah, my dream was about being at their wedding and -she who will not be named- was just being a huge bitch to me and I was crying a lot and Casey saw me and he just didn't seem to care... so basically it was just like reality only they are not getting married in real life...well... i hope not. But I was crying so hard in my dream I wouldn't be surprised if I actually started crying. And in my dream they like legit got married and I sat there at the wedding watching.. I don't know why! I mean, i didn't even object or anything. But after it was all done i remember I cried more and started drinking. Ugh... Fuck dreams! And i shouldn't even be saying dream cause it was a nightmare! It makes no sense to me why I still care about him. Once i figure that out for myself I'll let you know.
Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.
--------------------------------------------------------------
So anyways... I've been listening to this song called "Broken Arrow" by Pixie Lott a lot and I really really really love this song. Because its like my perfect song, legit. Its a great song.
I wanna go see Reese like now. She makes me feel better about stupid boys like Casey. I think i'm gunna try to convince Tom to talk to his parents and let me go up to Grand Forks with him so i can see her this weekend maybe possibly if shes not busy. But i doubt that will happen D: OR I wanna make/ask one of the guys with a car bring me there next weekend. Cause i needs her! But if all else fails i am like DETERMINED to go down there over MEA break. Cause I like need to see Reese asap cause she is my best friend so yeah. I love her.
I'm worried about Llogan. I mean he drives me insane some times and he says absolutely rediculous things that sometimes hurts people but still... I love him. And I'm worried that the fight we got in was part of the reason he went, well, crazy. I wanna know what happened.. But after he gets back I have a feeling he wont talk to me. And who knows when he will get back /: He was talking to me one time about how he had to go to some place for 45 days or something but i think that was for a different reason... So i'm hoping it won't be that long. /: I wish he would get better.
I hate the new facebook. Its really dumb and confusing.. Just saying.
I'm rather hungry but i'm not at the same time... My weird appetite again. I seriously think not smoking is causing this. But I don't need to be hungry anyways. I feel fat when I eat and I need to be skinny! Adam always gets mad at me when i say that, he says "You're skinny right now!" But hes crazy.
Boys are still confusing as hell... they seriously need to make there minds up about things. For example: You cant basically tell a girl you like her and then chicken out half way in. Come on... grow a bigger pair! You can do it! Yay for my pep talks! Lawl.
So I really want it to be Christmas! I love Christmas so much. Cause it's just like a magical time and it feels like the things you want are so much more in reach. It feels like, well, heres an example.. it feels like the boy your in love with will all of a sudden realize they love you too and drive as fast as he can to your house knock on your door and kiss you. Then live happily ever after <3 Too bad that won't happen. But fuck, i can dream right? /: Anyways... I do love Christmas time for other reasons though, I love decorating the tree and the smell of Pine trees are amazing. And I love making cookies and decorating them. And singing Christmas carols with the radio. And i haven't celebrated christmas with anyone that i could loose, like a boyfriend for example. I've never spent Christmas with a boyfriend and I think I am going to keep it that way because i know if i have them there and then we break up I will freaking hate Christmas and that would not be good. I mean there was that one Christmas i had to spend with Patti and Kelli and now there not in my life, but, lucky im over that. I feel bad for my dad though cause I know he really misses Patti, he really loved her. But thats a different story.
Fuck, that all just made me sad. I hate Casey. Well, not really... I actually love him. But I'll just say I hate him to make it easier on me. I hate Casey!
Dammit .
I'm done thinking now its making me a little sad.. Shit. Okay bye.
Tuesday, September 20, 2011
Venting #1 -Day Number 3 Without A Cig.
Time to randomly vent because I am without a cig to smoke for when i ponder upon life so here we go...
Boys:
I don't fucking understand you. At all. You all say girls are complicated.. bull shit. Boys cannot EVER just say things straight up. Like "hey i like you." No.. they have to be all "Never mind." or "It doesn't matter." Just say how you feel. Its not that difficult!
But speaking of "hey i like you"... I've had 5 boys within the last 4 days hint to me that they like me... WHAT IS GOING ON. Have you all lost it? Why me? Really I don't understand.. i know some girls say they don't "understand" for attention and so they can hear someone say.." its because your pretty and smart.."and blah blah whatever.. I mean it is nice to hear that, don't get me wrong. But, in this case i really don't understand why all these guys like me. Yeah, i'm relatively nice and polite and i know i'm not ugly. But, okay.... that's like 75% of the women population. And i'm not trying to sound full of myself or anything. Just... shit! Boys are so confusing. And its like okay... so, all these guys like me... But why can't the one boy i'm in love with and have been in love with for 3 years like me?
And speaking of the boy I've been in love with for 3 years. Yeah, still in love. Why, why, why? Can someone explain that to me as well? I mean I have this amazing boy that i met 3 months ago and that I am now dating but I'm still not happy... because of HIM. I haven't been happy since him... and why? I'm trying to figure out if its because he still has my heart or if its because I just don't ever want to give it away again. I don't fucking know.
But hey, here my plus side about my Boys subject:
1) I haven't thought about HIM as much.
2) Boys smell great.
3) I love wearing their clothes.
4) They sure can make you feel special when they want to.
5) They give great hugs.
<3
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Girls:
If your a slut i hate you.
Fake tanning makes you look like a fucking oompa loompa. No boys wants to fuck that.
Hair extensions are nasty. Take care of your nappy hair and maybe it will grow.
If you like to steal your best friends boyfriend, your a bitch and you should get hit.
<3
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ryan Neumann:
Hey bro! Yeah, your fucking dumb.
Thanks for giving a shit about me. Do you realize you haven't talked to me in almost 2 months. Sad. You told me I was the most important person in your life and that "Family comes first." But, now i'm thinking when you said "Family" you meant "My stupid ass bike cult that thinks they are tight shit cause they own a motorcycle, helmet, and have a stupid name like 'Grunt'." Give me a call when your not too busy with your girlfriend or whatever that thing is your dating.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Wow, I am a mega bitch today. Guess its the lack of nicotine in my system. Must get some soon. I am like super hungry but i'm not at the same time. My appetite has been weird lately.
I miss Reese. Like a lot. I feel like we are barely best friends anymore, and i don't like it. I guess its partly because of my mindset... I mean, I feel like I'm being replaced in a way. I don't feel very needed anymore. I feel like I'm just there. And I don't really like that she has a thing with Charlie... Yeah sure call me a bitch or selfish... But I just don't know if they match up right i mean he lives far away from her and I know how fast she can get attached to people and she ends up getting hurt by all these assholes... i dont know, i just don't want to see her get hurt anymore. And i'm the LAST person to be talking about "he lives too far away" because hey, i'm dating her best friend that lives about 8 blocks away from her and she lives 6 hours away... But still, i just dont want her to get hurt anymore. And i fucking HATE that she still likes my brother like really, HES AN ASSHOLE! ASSHOLE! ASSHOLE! ASSHOLE! He only cares about himself and thats IT! He's not cute or charming or funny or nice he's a douche and i just wish she would see that. Because i hate that she is all sad over him i mean really there is NO reason to be. Really really really theres not.... But I dont know... I miss when she used to call me before anyone else and tell me she loved me and I was her best friend. And when she use to wanna skype me and make statuses on facebook about me. Maybe that's why I have been so sad lately. I like basically lost my best friend. Fuck /:
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
But hey I'm gunna write down some good things of the day to liven my spirit!:
1) Adam skyped me for 2 hours
2) Saw Emily today
3) Played "pickle in the middle" with George
4) My dad got me a Frosty from Wendys
5) Reese made a slide show with me in it, made me feel un forgotten.
6) Had a beer.
7) Made Cinnamon Rolls.
8) Heard "Benny and the Jets" on the radio
9) Took a nice long shower
10) Started School.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
So yeah enough venting for now, i'm getting tired. Goodnight <3
Boys:
I don't fucking understand you. At all. You all say girls are complicated.. bull shit. Boys cannot EVER just say things straight up. Like "hey i like you." No.. they have to be all "Never mind." or "It doesn't matter." Just say how you feel. Its not that difficult!
But speaking of "hey i like you"... I've had 5 boys within the last 4 days hint to me that they like me... WHAT IS GOING ON. Have you all lost it? Why me? Really I don't understand.. i know some girls say they don't "understand" for attention and so they can hear someone say.." its because your pretty and smart.."and blah blah whatever.. I mean it is nice to hear that, don't get me wrong. But, in this case i really don't understand why all these guys like me. Yeah, i'm relatively nice and polite and i know i'm not ugly. But, okay.... that's like 75% of the women population. And i'm not trying to sound full of myself or anything. Just... shit! Boys are so confusing. And its like okay... so, all these guys like me... But why can't the one boy i'm in love with and have been in love with for 3 years like me?
And speaking of the boy I've been in love with for 3 years. Yeah, still in love. Why, why, why? Can someone explain that to me as well? I mean I have this amazing boy that i met 3 months ago and that I am now dating but I'm still not happy... because of HIM. I haven't been happy since him... and why? I'm trying to figure out if its because he still has my heart or if its because I just don't ever want to give it away again. I don't fucking know.
But hey, here my plus side about my Boys subject:
1) I haven't thought about HIM as much.
2) Boys smell great.
3) I love wearing their clothes.
4) They sure can make you feel special when they want to.
5) They give great hugs.
<3
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Girls:
If your a slut i hate you.
Fake tanning makes you look like a fucking oompa loompa. No boys wants to fuck that.
Hair extensions are nasty. Take care of your nappy hair and maybe it will grow.
If you like to steal your best friends boyfriend, your a bitch and you should get hit.
<3
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ryan Neumann:
Hey bro! Yeah, your fucking dumb.
Thanks for giving a shit about me. Do you realize you haven't talked to me in almost 2 months. Sad. You told me I was the most important person in your life and that "Family comes first." But, now i'm thinking when you said "Family" you meant "My stupid ass bike cult that thinks they are tight shit cause they own a motorcycle, helmet, and have a stupid name like 'Grunt'." Give me a call when your not too busy with your girlfriend or whatever that thing is your dating.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Wow, I am a mega bitch today. Guess its the lack of nicotine in my system. Must get some soon. I am like super hungry but i'm not at the same time. My appetite has been weird lately.
I miss Reese. Like a lot. I feel like we are barely best friends anymore, and i don't like it. I guess its partly because of my mindset... I mean, I feel like I'm being replaced in a way. I don't feel very needed anymore. I feel like I'm just there. And I don't really like that she has a thing with Charlie... Yeah sure call me a bitch or selfish... But I just don't know if they match up right i mean he lives far away from her and I know how fast she can get attached to people and she ends up getting hurt by all these assholes... i dont know, i just don't want to see her get hurt anymore. And i'm the LAST person to be talking about "he lives too far away" because hey, i'm dating her best friend that lives about 8 blocks away from her and she lives 6 hours away... But still, i just dont want her to get hurt anymore. And i fucking HATE that she still likes my brother like really, HES AN ASSHOLE! ASSHOLE! ASSHOLE! ASSHOLE! He only cares about himself and thats IT! He's not cute or charming or funny or nice he's a douche and i just wish she would see that. Because i hate that she is all sad over him i mean really there is NO reason to be. Really really really theres not.... But I dont know... I miss when she used to call me before anyone else and tell me she loved me and I was her best friend. And when she use to wanna skype me and make statuses on facebook about me. Maybe that's why I have been so sad lately. I like basically lost my best friend. Fuck /:
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But hey I'm gunna write down some good things of the day to liven my spirit!:
1) Adam skyped me for 2 hours
2) Saw Emily today
3) Played "pickle in the middle" with George
4) My dad got me a Frosty from Wendys
5) Reese made a slide show with me in it, made me feel un forgotten.
6) Had a beer.
7) Made Cinnamon Rolls.
8) Heard "Benny and the Jets" on the radio
9) Took a nice long shower
10) Started School.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
So yeah enough venting for now, i'm getting tired. Goodnight <3
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