I can't ever fucking sleep. Ever.
I have secrets in me that are just eating me up alive. I have no clue what or who I want anymore.
I think I'll just be the little old lady that lived in a shoe, why the fuck not. Cause I can't ever choose one guy and be happy. And I have no idea why.. I think I need therapy in all seriousness. I have extreme relationship issues... And yeah, I'm young but... These feeling can't be right. I mean liking someone so much and then once it gets too serious I bail. I mean, I have a feeling i know why I do that. Its because every single time I have someone in my life that I love and trust they leave, it happens all the time. Shall I make a list?
Pam- My mother, who constantly argued with me, made me feel like shit, and now doesn't care.
Ryan- My brother, who got a new family and stopped talking to me.
Patti- My dads girlfriend who I told everything too, left us.
Kelli- Patti's daughter who I became very close too, left.
Casey- The love of my life. Left me for my best friend at the time. And now could care less.
Jamie- Best friend that stopped talking to me because of his "new" girlfriend.
Sam- Best friend that also stopped talking to me because of his "new" girlfriend.
Mariah- Best friend of three years. Who stopped talking to me and turned on me.
Jessica- Best friend who i trusted, stole Casey and Mariah from me.
Yeah, so maybe thats why I dont like to get close to people... Look what they all did. These are some of the people who I trusted 100% and i loved them with everything I had. It still hurts everyday..
I'm sick of slapping on a fake smile and pretending i'm just dandy. I'm way, way too much like my dad. Alcoholic, Always want someone to love us but always push away the people who try to love us, Can't stay with one person for more then a few months, and we put on a fake smile until we're alone. And I dont know how to fix it. I wish i did though /:
Blah, I feel sick now... I need a cig and a hug. /:
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