So, this is now the fifth day without a cig. And, i'm not going to lie... I was doing perfectly fine until for some reason i just happened to have a dream about Casey. Awesome... Well, now I want a fucking cig!
So, this dream I had about Casey was awful... He married that fucking slut who i shall not name because her name makes me cringe. But yeah, my dream was about being at their wedding and -she who will not be named- was just being a huge bitch to me and I was crying a lot and Casey saw me and he just didn't seem to care... so basically it was just like reality only they are not getting married in real life...well... i hope not. But I was crying so hard in my dream I wouldn't be surprised if I actually started crying. And in my dream they like legit got married and I sat there at the wedding watching.. I don't know why! I mean, i didn't even object or anything. But after it was all done i remember I cried more and started drinking. Ugh... Fuck dreams! And i shouldn't even be saying dream cause it was a nightmare! It makes no sense to me why I still care about him. Once i figure that out for myself I'll let you know.
Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.
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So anyways... I've been listening to this song called "Broken Arrow" by Pixie Lott a lot and I really really really love this song. Because its like my perfect song, legit. Its a great song.
I wanna go see Reese like now. She makes me feel better about stupid boys like Casey. I think i'm gunna try to convince Tom to talk to his parents and let me go up to Grand Forks with him so i can see her this weekend maybe possibly if shes not busy. But i doubt that will happen D: OR I wanna make/ask one of the guys with a car bring me there next weekend. Cause i needs her! But if all else fails i am like DETERMINED to go down there over MEA break. Cause I like need to see Reese asap cause she is my best friend so yeah. I love her.
I'm worried about Llogan. I mean he drives me insane some times and he says absolutely rediculous things that sometimes hurts people but still... I love him. And I'm worried that the fight we got in was part of the reason he went, well, crazy. I wanna know what happened.. But after he gets back I have a feeling he wont talk to me. And who knows when he will get back /: He was talking to me one time about how he had to go to some place for 45 days or something but i think that was for a different reason... So i'm hoping it won't be that long. /: I wish he would get better.
I hate the new facebook. Its really dumb and confusing.. Just saying.
I'm rather hungry but i'm not at the same time... My weird appetite again. I seriously think not smoking is causing this. But I don't need to be hungry anyways. I feel fat when I eat and I need to be skinny! Adam always gets mad at me when i say that, he says "You're skinny right now!" But hes crazy.
Boys are still confusing as hell... they seriously need to make there minds up about things. For example: You cant basically tell a girl you like her and then chicken out half way in. Come on... grow a bigger pair! You can do it! Yay for my pep talks! Lawl.
So I really want it to be Christmas! I love Christmas so much. Cause it's just like a magical time and it feels like the things you want are so much more in reach. It feels like, well, heres an example.. it feels like the boy your in love with will all of a sudden realize they love you too and drive as fast as he can to your house knock on your door and kiss you. Then live happily ever after <3 Too bad that won't happen. But fuck, i can dream right? /: Anyways... I do love Christmas time for other reasons though, I love decorating the tree and the smell of Pine trees are amazing. And I love making cookies and decorating them. And singing Christmas carols with the radio. And i haven't celebrated christmas with anyone that i could loose, like a boyfriend for example. I've never spent Christmas with a boyfriend and I think I am going to keep it that way because i know if i have them there and then we break up I will freaking hate Christmas and that would not be good. I mean there was that one Christmas i had to spend with Patti and Kelli and now there not in my life, but, lucky im over that. I feel bad for my dad though cause I know he really misses Patti, he really loved her. But thats a different story.
Fuck, that all just made me sad. I hate Casey. Well, not really... I actually love him. But I'll just say I hate him to make it easier on me. I hate Casey!
Dammit .
I'm done thinking now its making me a little sad.. Shit. Okay bye.
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