Word of advice, don't have sugar if you have trouble sleeping at night. Whoops... That was a bad idea. But i figured its okay just for tonight, because I really wanted to watch 'Friends' and I slept way too long today, until like 5pm, so maybe if i stay up all night and day i'll be able to sleep tomorrow night, I think this will work.
The reason I slept so long this afternoon is because well for one, I haven't gotten much sleep lately and I had a whole bunch of random weird dreams. One was about Casey of course, and he was texting me and finally for once I asked him how him and Jessica were and he said great because he loved her so much. So maybe that's god trying to tell me "hey, he loves her.. not you" maybe he's trying to show me that closure between me and Casey. I guess I just don't want to see it. I want to keep thinking he will show up at my door one day and tell me he still loves me. But I know that won't happen. I must be really annoying Adam... because every time I talk to him I ask him "Why do guys like me?" And he tells me the same thing every time... I just don't get why they do though it's like, what are these other guys seeing in me that Casey doesn't? Why can't he see the same things? Just that one question alone drives me insane and can make me cry for hours on end. And... I don't want to tell people this, and I probably never will admit this because it just seems pathetic and stupid. But one of the reasons I feel so sad and depressed is because of Casey. I don't think anyone will really understand how much I really did love him. He's the guy I compare all the others too. He's the one that made me understand what love actually feels like. This will sound totally cheesy but with him it was love at first sight. The first day I ever saw him and talked to him my heart instantly melted, it was the weirdest feeling. After just talking to him for the first time I knew that I wanted him to be mine. And when he finally was about 3 months later.. I don't remember ever being as happy. I never laughed or smiled as much or missed anyone so much when I wasn't with them. I could have easily layed in his arms for hours and hours and talk about everything. And when i kissed him it was literally like magic. i got butterflies every single time. We had a real spark. Something I haven't felt since with anyone. I wish and I hope some day I'll feel that again because if I do, i'll know he's the guy I can love second most.
And I just need to say this. I regret this everyday so much, that it plays inside my head every fucking day... About a week after we broke up I saw him at Jessica's locker talking to her and I remember I just cried and cried and cried, and I have NEVER cried in school before that. I was walking to my next class, still crying, and he saw me ran after me, grabbed my arm and looked at me and just said "Sara.." But I didnt want to hear what he had to say he was talking to my ex best friend, that fucking backstabber, so I just pushed his hand away and kept walking......... I wish I would have listened, And told him I still wanted him. But if he loved me he would have tried harder. But i regret that, everyday.
Somedays I wonder if he ever sits up like this and thinks about these kinds of things or wonders about me. Wonders what i'm doing. Or if i still love him. I wish i knew. But I bet he doesn't think about me, I wish he did.
I need to stop caring so damn much about him. I can't stop. And no amount of alcohol in this world will stop it either, believe me i've tried. Crying doesn't help. Smoking doesn't help. Dating doesn't help. Nothing helps. Nothing makes it easier. Especially not these fucking dreams I have.
I need a hug.
Bad.
Like, now.
Good thing my puppy is here. I loves him.
Now I guess I'll watch Netflix. Comedy? Yeah.. I'm thinking so.
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