I know that things that happened to me in the past helped make me who I am today. But, I fucking hate when I have do deal with the people and old situations from the past.
On January 23rd my old best friend from 10th grade texted me and was telling me about some bull shit rumor that my ex is starting. Apparently, "I'm over 8 months pregnant with his kid and he broke up with me and I've been heart broken ever since." Haha that douche wishes I still gave a shit. He's a liar and I've never been happier that I broke up with someone <3 But, then my old best friend started texting me and was like "I miss you" and "Remember when.." and was asking me if I wanted to hang out and... No, I don't want to hang out. Everything that happened is in the past and I'm not going to go back to who I was in 10th grade..
On January 27th I had a dream about a different ex boyfriend.. and in this dream, for some reason, I had to live with him and his girlfriend... what the fuck kind of dream is that... It was an awful dream. I woke up so sad. I wish those dreams about him would stop... I don't want to have them anymore. They hurt.
Today, My ex best friend from 7-9th grade texted me. She said "so sorry to hear about nathan and mallory." Like shut the fuck up bitch, I could give 2 shits about him. I hope they are very happy together. I guess she really likes douche bags.. good for her!
Also, today my dads ex girlfriends daughter, Kelli, texted me and asked how I was. That broke my heart a little bit because it reminds me how much I miss them. My dad was ready to Marry Kelli's mom Patti. But then what happened... they leave us. Like people usually do. I feel so bad for my dad... its been hard for him to get over that. But, I'm proud of him for coming this far.
I wish people from the past would just stay in the past. Because that's where we left them and moved on... I mean, I guess we can't just run from the past forever, eventually it catches up with us. But, I wish it would all just stay there.
Sunday, January 29, 2012
Thursday, January 26, 2012
I'm Sorry.
I know that things between us have been very rocky lately and I just wanted to say sorry for everything that's happened. I'm sorry for not trying to get you back when I probably should have. But, just for once I wanted you to come after me so I knew I was important to you. But... it happened and now its over. I just hope that we can put all of that shit behind us now and go back to being as good of friends as we used to be. Cause I can't lose you after 7 years of being best friends... I won't let that happen.
But anyways... Another thing I want to apologize for is because I know you've been sad lately and I feel like its my fault... Like, I feel like I stole all your friends that you were close to. That wasn't my intention though. I just really connected to everyone at one point and time. I hope you can forgive me for all of this because I really love you and I just want to put all of these fights and arguments in the past and just be best friends again.
I love you boo. And I always will. Like I said in the scrapbook... You will ALWAYS be my best friend, no matter what. Text me anytime if you need to talk.
But anyways... Another thing I want to apologize for is because I know you've been sad lately and I feel like its my fault... Like, I feel like I stole all your friends that you were close to. That wasn't my intention though. I just really connected to everyone at one point and time. I hope you can forgive me for all of this because I really love you and I just want to put all of these fights and arguments in the past and just be best friends again.
I love you boo. And I always will. Like I said in the scrapbook... You will ALWAYS be my best friend, no matter what. Text me anytime if you need to talk.
Monday, December 5, 2011
One Hundred and Twenty Three Hours ♥
In 123 hours I will be with my babies Reese and Zane <3 I really can't wait. I'm so insanely impatient. I just want to be there with them so bad. I'm really scared though... Because I know once I'm there the week is just going to fly by and then I'll be in tears when I have to leave. I really won't want to leave at all. But I really need to see them. I need a break from the drama here, Adam just makes me feel so unwanted and unloved so it will be nice to be somewhere where I'm really wanted. I just can't wait to give them hugs and kisses and cuddle with them all day <3 Oh, I bought my ticket today by the way. $130. Its worth it though.
I really like Zane.. a lot. So it really sucks that we have to live so far away from eachother. But, I want to be with him because he makes me very very happy. He's so sweet. And still loves me regardless of all my flaws. He likes me for me and that's what I want. I guess we'll just have to see what happens over the week. Hopefully good things (:
I wish that Adam still cared about me. But, I guess I get the hint... He hasn't even tried to talk to me. Not even when he told Joey he was going to. I guess I must not mean much to him if he can't even text me. So I'll just keep going on with life I guess. It just kinda hurts that I'm not even worth a text. You think he'd atleast try. But he seems just fine without me. Maybe even happier and if he is happier then I guess I'm glad. I don't want to hold him back from being happy. So I hope he's doing good. Because even if we stopped being friends for good and never talked again.. I would still hope the very best for him and I'll still love him. And I'll always be greatful for everything he has helped me through,
Oh my lord.. I am freezing /: Time to curl up and watch a movie.
Goodnight.
I really like Zane.. a lot. So it really sucks that we have to live so far away from eachother. But, I want to be with him because he makes me very very happy. He's so sweet. And still loves me regardless of all my flaws. He likes me for me and that's what I want. I guess we'll just have to see what happens over the week. Hopefully good things (:
I wish that Adam still cared about me. But, I guess I get the hint... He hasn't even tried to talk to me. Not even when he told Joey he was going to. I guess I must not mean much to him if he can't even text me. So I'll just keep going on with life I guess. It just kinda hurts that I'm not even worth a text. You think he'd atleast try. But he seems just fine without me. Maybe even happier and if he is happier then I guess I'm glad. I don't want to hold him back from being happy. So I hope he's doing good. Because even if we stopped being friends for good and never talked again.. I would still hope the very best for him and I'll still love him. And I'll always be greatful for everything he has helped me through,
Oh my lord.. I am freezing /: Time to curl up and watch a movie.
Goodnight.
Venting #18- Waiting
Okay so I am so so so so excited I just had to blog about this before I fell asleep! I probably won't even be able to fall asleep!
So, today I talked to my dad and asked him If I could go see Reese on Saturday for a week and he said yes and so did Reese's parents!!! :D So this week I need to get all caught up in school, clean the house spotless, clean my room, do all my laundry... which is a lot, and then pack! (: So I leave late Saturday night and I get there at like 5am on Sunday and Zane is going to come pick me up along with Reese and Tucker! And I just know I'll get the BIGGEST hug ever from Reese, she'll probably tackle hug me to the ground xD And Zane said he was going to give me a biiig kiss and carry me out to his car hehehe, I'm excited! :D I've been waiting for almost 6 months to kiss him (: And then we're going to go out for a double date breakfast. I can't wait to see them, they make me feel so loved and wanted <3
And we're going to take lots of pictures and do lots of cuddling and have so much fun! I love them sooooo so much <33
Okay, well... I'm going to attempt to sleep now. Goodnight (:
So, today I talked to my dad and asked him If I could go see Reese on Saturday for a week and he said yes and so did Reese's parents!!! :D So this week I need to get all caught up in school, clean the house spotless, clean my room, do all my laundry... which is a lot, and then pack! (: So I leave late Saturday night and I get there at like 5am on Sunday and Zane is going to come pick me up along with Reese and Tucker! And I just know I'll get the BIGGEST hug ever from Reese, she'll probably tackle hug me to the ground xD And Zane said he was going to give me a biiig kiss and carry me out to his car hehehe, I'm excited! :D I've been waiting for almost 6 months to kiss him (: And then we're going to go out for a double date breakfast. I can't wait to see them, they make me feel so loved and wanted <3
And we're going to take lots of pictures and do lots of cuddling and have so much fun! I love them sooooo so much <33
Okay, well... I'm going to attempt to sleep now. Goodnight (:
Thursday, December 1, 2011
Venting #17- Shitty Day
Well basically I had a pretty shitty day today.. Well besides when Joey was here.
But, I just felt really sick all day and I'm fucking so tired of being sick. And then I did the dishes and whatever until Joey came over at 5 and then we hung out and had a fun time like we always do. And it was his birthday yay Joeys 17 now! xD But then after he left I tried to remove the wallpaper in the bathroom and i threw a bitch fit cause it wouldnt fucking come off. And then Zane told me he couldn't come down for my birthday. Great....
I'm in a really sad mood now.
I really like Zane a lot. But I really don't fucking know what to do anymore because me and him already tried this dating song and dance and it didn't work. But most of it was my fault because I hate getting close to people because I feel like everyone just fucks me over in the end but I have to stop thinking that way about everyone. So. I've really been trying hard to not get so angry and jealous. And I've been working on telling people how I actually feel and not always saying "its nothing" or "dont worry about it" nothing gets solved that way. And I've really really been trying to trust more... even though no one yet has given me a good reason to trust people but I'm trying to forget about all of that bull shit and just start new..... But I' just really confused on what to do at this point.
And Adam.... I really have absolutely NO fucking clue what to even think with him. At this points it really seems like he honestly doesn't give 2 shits about me. He hasn't even attempted to try and talk to me. If he really cared he would have. I just don't understand at all. But I'll tell you what.. I'm done being the first one to say "I'm sorry" cause I always have been. I think its his turn this time. If he still cares and still wants me in his life he can be the first to say sorry or talk about it. I feel like I'm always the one to save our friendship but I'm not going to this time.. he can. But so far I haven't heard shit from him. So that really makes me think that he doesn't care. Whatever I guess I'm just not worth it.
I wish I could see Zane right now //:
Goodnight.
But, I just felt really sick all day and I'm fucking so tired of being sick. And then I did the dishes and whatever until Joey came over at 5 and then we hung out and had a fun time like we always do. And it was his birthday yay Joeys 17 now! xD But then after he left I tried to remove the wallpaper in the bathroom and i threw a bitch fit cause it wouldnt fucking come off. And then Zane told me he couldn't come down for my birthday. Great....
I'm in a really sad mood now.
I really like Zane a lot. But I really don't fucking know what to do anymore because me and him already tried this dating song and dance and it didn't work. But most of it was my fault because I hate getting close to people because I feel like everyone just fucks me over in the end but I have to stop thinking that way about everyone. So. I've really been trying hard to not get so angry and jealous. And I've been working on telling people how I actually feel and not always saying "its nothing" or "dont worry about it" nothing gets solved that way. And I've really really been trying to trust more... even though no one yet has given me a good reason to trust people but I'm trying to forget about all of that bull shit and just start new..... But I' just really confused on what to do at this point.
And Adam.... I really have absolutely NO fucking clue what to even think with him. At this points it really seems like he honestly doesn't give 2 shits about me. He hasn't even attempted to try and talk to me. If he really cared he would have. I just don't understand at all. But I'll tell you what.. I'm done being the first one to say "I'm sorry" cause I always have been. I think its his turn this time. If he still cares and still wants me in his life he can be the first to say sorry or talk about it. I feel like I'm always the one to save our friendship but I'm not going to this time.. he can. But so far I haven't heard shit from him. So that really makes me think that he doesn't care. Whatever I guess I'm just not worth it.
I wish I could see Zane right now //:
Goodnight.
Wednesday, November 30, 2011
Venting #16- Ex Boyfriends.
Okay so I'm just going to cut right to the chase here... I am SO sick of Casey and his skank girlfriend Jessica. Like, seriously bitch don't add me on Facebook if your dating my ex boyfriend. Fuck off. Your a bitch and I hate you so don't add me EVER. God, she irritates me.
But, speaking of Casey I'm so over him. He's just an ass and that's what he will be forever. A pot smoking asshole.
And, speaking of pot. That shit is nasty... I hate when people use it or say "that they do". Like, A, have fun in rehab someday because your going to get addicted to it and deny that you are just like EVERYONE else I know that has had a problem with it. And, B, It pisses me off when you talk about it.
Okay... but anyways... I think I like Zane again. And I'm not going to lie it sucks. Because like I've said many, many times before... He lives so far away. And I can't do long distance relationships I just cant. I'm too needy and I get too sad when I know I cant see them all the time. But, he's just such a great guy and me and him get along perfectly and we don't argue ever. And he always knows what to say to make me feel better or make me smile when I'm crying. Last night for example.. I was Skyping him and I seriously did not stop smiling the whole time and that was over an hour. My cheeks literally were soar from smiling so much. So this situation just blows... why does he have to live far away? I don't understand the way God thinks sometimes... I always wonder why he had me meet him if he lives so far away... I wish I could like call God up and ask him questions like this. But I guess I'll have to figure it out myself. I have a lot to figure out.... /: I'm just confused on who I should be with.... D:
So yeah...
I love Reese! She's my best friend and I can't wait until I get to go up and see her in a few weeks! <3
But, speaking of Casey I'm so over him. He's just an ass and that's what he will be forever. A pot smoking asshole.
And, speaking of pot. That shit is nasty... I hate when people use it or say "that they do". Like, A, have fun in rehab someday because your going to get addicted to it and deny that you are just like EVERYONE else I know that has had a problem with it. And, B, It pisses me off when you talk about it.
Okay... but anyways... I think I like Zane again. And I'm not going to lie it sucks. Because like I've said many, many times before... He lives so far away. And I can't do long distance relationships I just cant. I'm too needy and I get too sad when I know I cant see them all the time. But, he's just such a great guy and me and him get along perfectly and we don't argue ever. And he always knows what to say to make me feel better or make me smile when I'm crying. Last night for example.. I was Skyping him and I seriously did not stop smiling the whole time and that was over an hour. My cheeks literally were soar from smiling so much. So this situation just blows... why does he have to live far away? I don't understand the way God thinks sometimes... I always wonder why he had me meet him if he lives so far away... I wish I could like call God up and ask him questions like this. But I guess I'll have to figure it out myself. I have a lot to figure out.... /: I'm just confused on who I should be with.... D:
So yeah...
I love Reese! She's my best friend and I can't wait until I get to go up and see her in a few weeks! <3
Monday, November 28, 2011
Venting #15: Done
Well... Im done. Im done trying to make things better because it seems like you really could give a shit less about me. You dont want to see me, talk to me or come over anymore. Its like im nothing.. well i guess if thats all i am to you then im done.
Thanks for the last 7 years.. thank you for being there for me. And im sorry i was such an awful friend, i mean i must have been since you dont give me the time if day anymore. So sorry for being an awful best friend. I hope you have a good life and find everything your looking for. So i guess thats it. Ill leave you alone. I can delete your number and off of facebook cause it probably wouldn't matter to you anyways.
Thanks for the last 7 years.. thank you for being there for me. And im sorry i was such an awful friend, i mean i must have been since you dont give me the time if day anymore. So sorry for being an awful best friend. I hope you have a good life and find everything your looking for. So i guess thats it. Ill leave you alone. I can delete your number and off of facebook cause it probably wouldn't matter to you anyways.
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