Well today..or I guess yesterday, I actually had a decent day I got up early and hung out with my dad and George, and then I made some pancakes, and discovered my new love and that would be the show "Extreme Couponing" that show is insane, and I want to do that too! But then I got mega tired cause I was tossing and turning all night so i took a 2 hour nap and then I got up and cleaned a little and then watched some more Extreme Couponing and then Emily came home! I was so excited because I love Emily a lot! And then Adam and Joey stopped by and that made me happy cause I freaking love them! And THEN while Emily and my dad were gone at church Tom texted me and said "Im at target do you want anything?" And I was like "An Icee!" but I was kidding cause there was zero percent need to get me something but he did anyways, and he came over and dropped it off and gave me a kiss! Haha so it was a really good day (:
But anyways, Okay, so... I was really tired tonight so I fell asleep at like 10 and then woke up at 1:00 to 8 texts and 2 missed calls... whoops sorry! And then I watched an episode of "All Grown Up" to fall asleep to but it was a Christmas episode! So now I'm like obsessing over Christmas! I've been up for the last 2 hours listening to Christmas music and wishing it would start snowing haha xD And now I'm watching "The Santa Clause 2" I feel like a freak because I am so so so in love with Christmas time!
Here are some of my favorite things about Christmas Time:
1. Being with my family, because I don't really get to be that often.
2. Listening to Christmas Music. Oh my goodness I love Christmas music! My favorite 3 songs I think are "Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas", "I'll be home for Christmas", and "Last Christmas"
3.Drinking hot chocolate! I make hot chocolate with 2% or Whole milk because it makes it that much richer and I add a splash of a vanilla and some cinnamon on top with marshmallows (: <3
4. Egg Nog! I could drink that stuff by the gallon! Oh my gosh.
5. Christmas Shopping! Some people hate it cause the stores are so crowded and gross but I love it because everyone is so cheerful and happy and they might not even realize it. And I love how malls decorate for Christmas. Do you see them decorate for any other holiday? Fuck no! Thats just cause Christmas is so Awesome!
6. Jesus was born on Christmas and a lot of people forget that's the reason we celebrate Christmas. But I'm very proud of my family because every year we sing Happy Birthday to him on Christmas and we always have our advent candles and that means a lot to myself and my family.
7. Putting up the Christmas Tree. I like putting up live Trees because it makes your house smell awesome and I love decorating it, I take hours and hours putting up decorations and listening to Christmas songs.
8. Almost every year, on the last day they play Christmas songs on the radio, me and my dad sit up until midnight (thats what time the songs end) and write down the last 5 songs they play.
9. Watching Christmas movies. My 2 absolute favorite movies to watch are "National Lampoons: Christmas Vacation" I think its the funniest movie ever, I can quote over half the movie. And "Deck the Halls" But I usually end up watching "A Christmas Carol" with my dad because that is his favorite movie. Oh! And I like the "Santa Clause" movies, 1-3 (:
10. Watching the snowfall<3 I think snow is absolutely beautiful. My favorite times is when its been snowing outside for a while and the snow just sparkles in the moonlight. And I have a street light on the corner so it just lights up the street perfectly and makes the snow look beautiful.
11. Putting up my Christmas village. I collect village pieces and it takes me about 2 days to put up my village perfectly.
Here are my Christmas Fantasies or dreams, I guess, that I would love to happen someday:
1. Waking up to find a puppy with a big red ribbon under the tree <3
2. Getting kissed under the Mistletoe <3
3. Having someone take me in a horse drawn carriage while its snowing <3
4. Getting engaged on Christmas morning <3 That would be perfect.
5. Take me for a Winter Walk down a lighted path <3
6. Fall in love so I can spend Christmas with them <333
7. Have kids and my own little family that I can share Christmas with <3
Haha so yeah! That my huge giant rant about Christmas. I just had to blog about it... lawl. Cause I'm super obsessing right now, like, HARDCORE. As I said earlier. But, now I guess I shall actually pay attention to my movie and try to fall asleep or I'm going to be tired as heck tomorrow!
OHHH! I FORGOT! Tomorrow I'm going to my mom's house to carve pumpkins, I'm pretty stoked about that too!
But, yeah..
59 days until Christmas <33333 Yes!
Thursday, October 27, 2011
Friday, October 21, 2011
Venting #7- Drinking
So, i find it pretty funny when my best friend believes, me when i say I'm okay.
no, I'm not okay.... obviously its fake., i don't just go from crying to happy happy even when, i have been drinking. i guess no once really knows me as well as they say they do. like seriously... I'M FUCKING SAD!!!!! i just wanna end everything right now. cause everyone is just so fake and stupid. this is why i drink... like seriously. everyone days that they know me but they don't. they don't realize how hurt i am every day., no one knows., I'm just so down on myself all the time. every one sees a smile and things I'm okay... well if you really knew me you'd see I'm not okay... at all. i cry every day. and people just think of it as an act. oh, yeah... is it? is it really an act? do you think i like crying every day? do you think i like being alone? do you think i like drinking until i can't feel anything anymore? no i DON'T. I HATE IT!!!!!! no one sees it though. so I'll just keep quiet. maybe someone will see it someday....
no, I'm not okay.... obviously its fake., i don't just go from crying to happy happy even when, i have been drinking. i guess no once really knows me as well as they say they do. like seriously... I'M FUCKING SAD!!!!! i just wanna end everything right now. cause everyone is just so fake and stupid. this is why i drink... like seriously. everyone days that they know me but they don't. they don't realize how hurt i am every day., no one knows., I'm just so down on myself all the time. every one sees a smile and things I'm okay... well if you really knew me you'd see I'm not okay... at all. i cry every day. and people just think of it as an act. oh, yeah... is it? is it really an act? do you think i like crying every day? do you think i like being alone? do you think i like drinking until i can't feel anything anymore? no i DON'T. I HATE IT!!!!!! no one sees it though. so I'll just keep quiet. maybe someone will see it someday....
Monday, October 10, 2011
People
Person #1: I love you... and I always will. And I wish you knew that I still loved you. But I'm done beating myself up over you... Your not coming back to me and I get that. I'm going to delete your number and try to forget. I wanna forget everything we had because its not important to you so why should it be to me, Maybe if I forget you I can love again.
Person #2: You deserve much better than me. Being with me is pointless because I just shut you out... Its what i'm good at. All i know how to do is put up walls and they just won't come down... Your an amazing guy and all i'm doing is hurting you. I'm honestly disgusted with myself. What I'm doing is sick..and I'm sorry I don't know how to fix it.
Person #3: I know I haven't been talking to you and to be honest its because it seems like you have a "perfect life" with perfect friends and your doing fine without me. Your having this perfect life without me in it and I don't want to ruin your happiness. And I haven't forgotten about you and your not "invisible" I'm just so so hurt... and I thought you would see that... You say I'm your best friend so how could you not see that I'm so upset? I just feel like you don't care. I do love you though... I hope you know that.
Person #4: I think I'm falling in love with you... and I don't know if I want that... Your my best friend. I can't and won't loose you if something happens. And I know myself... I put up walls that can't come down. I hurt people because I'm hurt.. and I don't mean to I just do, and I don't want to hurt you. I can't hurt you. You deserve someone so so amazing, someone that can never hurt you.
Person #5: I'm sorry I hurt you. I just wasn't happy anymore... I'm sorry that it had to come down to what it did. I'm sorry I am such a vile disgusting person that you had to block my number so I can never talk to you again. I'm sorry you think I'm such a bitch. But I did what I had to do to be happy. I'm sorry I'm so selfish. But I still love you, and don't think I never think about you, because I do... and I wish we could end things better.
Person #6: I'm so worried about you... You constantly work and then go out and get smashed every night. Its not good for you, your going to get sick. And if something happened to you my whole world would fall apart. Your my best friend and you have been my whole life. I miss you. I never see you anymore and that hurts so much, I cry about it all the time. I wish you knew that... I make it obvious. I love you though, so much.
Person #2: You deserve much better than me. Being with me is pointless because I just shut you out... Its what i'm good at. All i know how to do is put up walls and they just won't come down... Your an amazing guy and all i'm doing is hurting you. I'm honestly disgusted with myself. What I'm doing is sick..and I'm sorry I don't know how to fix it.
Person #3: I know I haven't been talking to you and to be honest its because it seems like you have a "perfect life" with perfect friends and your doing fine without me. Your having this perfect life without me in it and I don't want to ruin your happiness. And I haven't forgotten about you and your not "invisible" I'm just so so hurt... and I thought you would see that... You say I'm your best friend so how could you not see that I'm so upset? I just feel like you don't care. I do love you though... I hope you know that.
Person #4: I think I'm falling in love with you... and I don't know if I want that... Your my best friend. I can't and won't loose you if something happens. And I know myself... I put up walls that can't come down. I hurt people because I'm hurt.. and I don't mean to I just do, and I don't want to hurt you. I can't hurt you. You deserve someone so so amazing, someone that can never hurt you.
Person #5: I'm sorry I hurt you. I just wasn't happy anymore... I'm sorry that it had to come down to what it did. I'm sorry I am such a vile disgusting person that you had to block my number so I can never talk to you again. I'm sorry you think I'm such a bitch. But I did what I had to do to be happy. I'm sorry I'm so selfish. But I still love you, and don't think I never think about you, because I do... and I wish we could end things better.
Person #6: I'm so worried about you... You constantly work and then go out and get smashed every night. Its not good for you, your going to get sick. And if something happened to you my whole world would fall apart. Your my best friend and you have been my whole life. I miss you. I never see you anymore and that hurts so much, I cry about it all the time. I wish you knew that... I make it obvious. I love you though, so much.
Sunday, October 2, 2011
Venting #5 -My Dad
I really love my dad a lot. More then anyone on this Earth. And I really love spending time with him and it makes me really sad and upset when I never can because of his stupid girlfriends. They can seriously all go live on Venus because then maybe I'll actually get to see my dad for more then 20 minutes a day. I'm just so mad I'm crying. Like seriously... I was supposed to have a fire and listen to the football game with him but no... Rhea decides to come over even though he already told her no twice. So fuck her. So of course now I'm all alone, crying. Fucking bitch. And it might not seem like a big deal but it is to me. I NEVER get to see my dad cause he works 12 hours almost everyday and if he has a free SECOND she hogs it up. So now them two are out by the fire. They came to join me but i dont wanna fucking sit out there with her and listen to her stupid comments and her "Im going north, south, east, west... In a diagonal!" Or
"So did you guys like go out for breakfast before the wedding? What did you have pancakes?"
"No..." (Obviously not.. we had to drive an hour to get there and be there by 11 and we had to get ready before hand)
"Oh! So did you have waffles then?"
"No... We didnt go out"
"Im confused... what did you have then?"
Ohmygod.
I've had it.
"So did you guys like go out for breakfast before the wedding? What did you have pancakes?"
"No..." (Obviously not.. we had to drive an hour to get there and be there by 11 and we had to get ready before hand)
"Oh! So did you have waffles then?"
"No... We didnt go out"
"Im confused... what did you have then?"
Ohmygod.
I've had it.
Friday, September 30, 2011
Venting #4 -Him
Word of advice, don't have sugar if you have trouble sleeping at night. Whoops... That was a bad idea. But i figured its okay just for tonight, because I really wanted to watch 'Friends' and I slept way too long today, until like 5pm, so maybe if i stay up all night and day i'll be able to sleep tomorrow night, I think this will work.
The reason I slept so long this afternoon is because well for one, I haven't gotten much sleep lately and I had a whole bunch of random weird dreams. One was about Casey of course, and he was texting me and finally for once I asked him how him and Jessica were and he said great because he loved her so much. So maybe that's god trying to tell me "hey, he loves her.. not you" maybe he's trying to show me that closure between me and Casey. I guess I just don't want to see it. I want to keep thinking he will show up at my door one day and tell me he still loves me. But I know that won't happen. I must be really annoying Adam... because every time I talk to him I ask him "Why do guys like me?" And he tells me the same thing every time... I just don't get why they do though it's like, what are these other guys seeing in me that Casey doesn't? Why can't he see the same things? Just that one question alone drives me insane and can make me cry for hours on end. And... I don't want to tell people this, and I probably never will admit this because it just seems pathetic and stupid. But one of the reasons I feel so sad and depressed is because of Casey. I don't think anyone will really understand how much I really did love him. He's the guy I compare all the others too. He's the one that made me understand what love actually feels like. This will sound totally cheesy but with him it was love at first sight. The first day I ever saw him and talked to him my heart instantly melted, it was the weirdest feeling. After just talking to him for the first time I knew that I wanted him to be mine. And when he finally was about 3 months later.. I don't remember ever being as happy. I never laughed or smiled as much or missed anyone so much when I wasn't with them. I could have easily layed in his arms for hours and hours and talk about everything. And when i kissed him it was literally like magic. i got butterflies every single time. We had a real spark. Something I haven't felt since with anyone. I wish and I hope some day I'll feel that again because if I do, i'll know he's the guy I can love second most.
And I just need to say this. I regret this everyday so much, that it plays inside my head every fucking day... About a week after we broke up I saw him at Jessica's locker talking to her and I remember I just cried and cried and cried, and I have NEVER cried in school before that. I was walking to my next class, still crying, and he saw me ran after me, grabbed my arm and looked at me and just said "Sara.." But I didnt want to hear what he had to say he was talking to my ex best friend, that fucking backstabber, so I just pushed his hand away and kept walking......... I wish I would have listened, And told him I still wanted him. But if he loved me he would have tried harder. But i regret that, everyday.
Somedays I wonder if he ever sits up like this and thinks about these kinds of things or wonders about me. Wonders what i'm doing. Or if i still love him. I wish i knew. But I bet he doesn't think about me, I wish he did.
I need to stop caring so damn much about him. I can't stop. And no amount of alcohol in this world will stop it either, believe me i've tried. Crying doesn't help. Smoking doesn't help. Dating doesn't help. Nothing helps. Nothing makes it easier. Especially not these fucking dreams I have.
I need a hug.
Bad.
Like, now.
Good thing my puppy is here. I loves him.
Now I guess I'll watch Netflix. Comedy? Yeah.. I'm thinking so.
The reason I slept so long this afternoon is because well for one, I haven't gotten much sleep lately and I had a whole bunch of random weird dreams. One was about Casey of course, and he was texting me and finally for once I asked him how him and Jessica were and he said great because he loved her so much. So maybe that's god trying to tell me "hey, he loves her.. not you" maybe he's trying to show me that closure between me and Casey. I guess I just don't want to see it. I want to keep thinking he will show up at my door one day and tell me he still loves me. But I know that won't happen. I must be really annoying Adam... because every time I talk to him I ask him "Why do guys like me?" And he tells me the same thing every time... I just don't get why they do though it's like, what are these other guys seeing in me that Casey doesn't? Why can't he see the same things? Just that one question alone drives me insane and can make me cry for hours on end. And... I don't want to tell people this, and I probably never will admit this because it just seems pathetic and stupid. But one of the reasons I feel so sad and depressed is because of Casey. I don't think anyone will really understand how much I really did love him. He's the guy I compare all the others too. He's the one that made me understand what love actually feels like. This will sound totally cheesy but with him it was love at first sight. The first day I ever saw him and talked to him my heart instantly melted, it was the weirdest feeling. After just talking to him for the first time I knew that I wanted him to be mine. And when he finally was about 3 months later.. I don't remember ever being as happy. I never laughed or smiled as much or missed anyone so much when I wasn't with them. I could have easily layed in his arms for hours and hours and talk about everything. And when i kissed him it was literally like magic. i got butterflies every single time. We had a real spark. Something I haven't felt since with anyone. I wish and I hope some day I'll feel that again because if I do, i'll know he's the guy I can love second most.
And I just need to say this. I regret this everyday so much, that it plays inside my head every fucking day... About a week after we broke up I saw him at Jessica's locker talking to her and I remember I just cried and cried and cried, and I have NEVER cried in school before that. I was walking to my next class, still crying, and he saw me ran after me, grabbed my arm and looked at me and just said "Sara.." But I didnt want to hear what he had to say he was talking to my ex best friend, that fucking backstabber, so I just pushed his hand away and kept walking......... I wish I would have listened, And told him I still wanted him. But if he loved me he would have tried harder. But i regret that, everyday.
Somedays I wonder if he ever sits up like this and thinks about these kinds of things or wonders about me. Wonders what i'm doing. Or if i still love him. I wish i knew. But I bet he doesn't think about me, I wish he did.
I need to stop caring so damn much about him. I can't stop. And no amount of alcohol in this world will stop it either, believe me i've tried. Crying doesn't help. Smoking doesn't help. Dating doesn't help. Nothing helps. Nothing makes it easier. Especially not these fucking dreams I have.
I need a hug.
Bad.
Like, now.
Good thing my puppy is here. I loves him.
Now I guess I'll watch Netflix. Comedy? Yeah.. I'm thinking so.
Saturday, September 24, 2011
Venting #3 -Insomniac
I can't ever fucking sleep. Ever.
I have secrets in me that are just eating me up alive. I have no clue what or who I want anymore.
I think I'll just be the little old lady that lived in a shoe, why the fuck not. Cause I can't ever choose one guy and be happy. And I have no idea why.. I think I need therapy in all seriousness. I have extreme relationship issues... And yeah, I'm young but... These feeling can't be right. I mean liking someone so much and then once it gets too serious I bail. I mean, I have a feeling i know why I do that. Its because every single time I have someone in my life that I love and trust they leave, it happens all the time. Shall I make a list?
Pam- My mother, who constantly argued with me, made me feel like shit, and now doesn't care.
Ryan- My brother, who got a new family and stopped talking to me.
Patti- My dads girlfriend who I told everything too, left us.
Kelli- Patti's daughter who I became very close too, left.
Casey- The love of my life. Left me for my best friend at the time. And now could care less.
Jamie- Best friend that stopped talking to me because of his "new" girlfriend.
Sam- Best friend that also stopped talking to me because of his "new" girlfriend.
Mariah- Best friend of three years. Who stopped talking to me and turned on me.
Jessica- Best friend who i trusted, stole Casey and Mariah from me.
Yeah, so maybe thats why I dont like to get close to people... Look what they all did. These are some of the people who I trusted 100% and i loved them with everything I had. It still hurts everyday..
I'm sick of slapping on a fake smile and pretending i'm just dandy. I'm way, way too much like my dad. Alcoholic, Always want someone to love us but always push away the people who try to love us, Can't stay with one person for more then a few months, and we put on a fake smile until we're alone. And I dont know how to fix it. I wish i did though /:
Blah, I feel sick now... I need a cig and a hug. /:
I have secrets in me that are just eating me up alive. I have no clue what or who I want anymore.
I think I'll just be the little old lady that lived in a shoe, why the fuck not. Cause I can't ever choose one guy and be happy. And I have no idea why.. I think I need therapy in all seriousness. I have extreme relationship issues... And yeah, I'm young but... These feeling can't be right. I mean liking someone so much and then once it gets too serious I bail. I mean, I have a feeling i know why I do that. Its because every single time I have someone in my life that I love and trust they leave, it happens all the time. Shall I make a list?
Pam- My mother, who constantly argued with me, made me feel like shit, and now doesn't care.
Ryan- My brother, who got a new family and stopped talking to me.
Patti- My dads girlfriend who I told everything too, left us.
Kelli- Patti's daughter who I became very close too, left.
Casey- The love of my life. Left me for my best friend at the time. And now could care less.
Jamie- Best friend that stopped talking to me because of his "new" girlfriend.
Sam- Best friend that also stopped talking to me because of his "new" girlfriend.
Mariah- Best friend of three years. Who stopped talking to me and turned on me.
Jessica- Best friend who i trusted, stole Casey and Mariah from me.
Yeah, so maybe thats why I dont like to get close to people... Look what they all did. These are some of the people who I trusted 100% and i loved them with everything I had. It still hurts everyday..
I'm sick of slapping on a fake smile and pretending i'm just dandy. I'm way, way too much like my dad. Alcoholic, Always want someone to love us but always push away the people who try to love us, Can't stay with one person for more then a few months, and we put on a fake smile until we're alone. And I dont know how to fix it. I wish i did though /:
Blah, I feel sick now... I need a cig and a hug. /:
Wednesday, September 21, 2011
Venting #2 -Day Number 5 Without A Cig
So, this is now the fifth day without a cig. And, i'm not going to lie... I was doing perfectly fine until for some reason i just happened to have a dream about Casey. Awesome... Well, now I want a fucking cig!
So, this dream I had about Casey was awful... He married that fucking slut who i shall not name because her name makes me cringe. But yeah, my dream was about being at their wedding and -she who will not be named- was just being a huge bitch to me and I was crying a lot and Casey saw me and he just didn't seem to care... so basically it was just like reality only they are not getting married in real life...well... i hope not. But I was crying so hard in my dream I wouldn't be surprised if I actually started crying. And in my dream they like legit got married and I sat there at the wedding watching.. I don't know why! I mean, i didn't even object or anything. But after it was all done i remember I cried more and started drinking. Ugh... Fuck dreams! And i shouldn't even be saying dream cause it was a nightmare! It makes no sense to me why I still care about him. Once i figure that out for myself I'll let you know.
Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.
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So anyways... I've been listening to this song called "Broken Arrow" by Pixie Lott a lot and I really really really love this song. Because its like my perfect song, legit. Its a great song.
I wanna go see Reese like now. She makes me feel better about stupid boys like Casey. I think i'm gunna try to convince Tom to talk to his parents and let me go up to Grand Forks with him so i can see her this weekend maybe possibly if shes not busy. But i doubt that will happen D: OR I wanna make/ask one of the guys with a car bring me there next weekend. Cause i needs her! But if all else fails i am like DETERMINED to go down there over MEA break. Cause I like need to see Reese asap cause she is my best friend so yeah. I love her.
I'm worried about Llogan. I mean he drives me insane some times and he says absolutely rediculous things that sometimes hurts people but still... I love him. And I'm worried that the fight we got in was part of the reason he went, well, crazy. I wanna know what happened.. But after he gets back I have a feeling he wont talk to me. And who knows when he will get back /: He was talking to me one time about how he had to go to some place for 45 days or something but i think that was for a different reason... So i'm hoping it won't be that long. /: I wish he would get better.
I hate the new facebook. Its really dumb and confusing.. Just saying.
I'm rather hungry but i'm not at the same time... My weird appetite again. I seriously think not smoking is causing this. But I don't need to be hungry anyways. I feel fat when I eat and I need to be skinny! Adam always gets mad at me when i say that, he says "You're skinny right now!" But hes crazy.
Boys are still confusing as hell... they seriously need to make there minds up about things. For example: You cant basically tell a girl you like her and then chicken out half way in. Come on... grow a bigger pair! You can do it! Yay for my pep talks! Lawl.
So I really want it to be Christmas! I love Christmas so much. Cause it's just like a magical time and it feels like the things you want are so much more in reach. It feels like, well, heres an example.. it feels like the boy your in love with will all of a sudden realize they love you too and drive as fast as he can to your house knock on your door and kiss you. Then live happily ever after <3 Too bad that won't happen. But fuck, i can dream right? /: Anyways... I do love Christmas time for other reasons though, I love decorating the tree and the smell of Pine trees are amazing. And I love making cookies and decorating them. And singing Christmas carols with the radio. And i haven't celebrated christmas with anyone that i could loose, like a boyfriend for example. I've never spent Christmas with a boyfriend and I think I am going to keep it that way because i know if i have them there and then we break up I will freaking hate Christmas and that would not be good. I mean there was that one Christmas i had to spend with Patti and Kelli and now there not in my life, but, lucky im over that. I feel bad for my dad though cause I know he really misses Patti, he really loved her. But thats a different story.
Fuck, that all just made me sad. I hate Casey. Well, not really... I actually love him. But I'll just say I hate him to make it easier on me. I hate Casey!
Dammit .
I'm done thinking now its making me a little sad.. Shit. Okay bye.
So, this dream I had about Casey was awful... He married that fucking slut who i shall not name because her name makes me cringe. But yeah, my dream was about being at their wedding and -she who will not be named- was just being a huge bitch to me and I was crying a lot and Casey saw me and he just didn't seem to care... so basically it was just like reality only they are not getting married in real life...well... i hope not. But I was crying so hard in my dream I wouldn't be surprised if I actually started crying. And in my dream they like legit got married and I sat there at the wedding watching.. I don't know why! I mean, i didn't even object or anything. But after it was all done i remember I cried more and started drinking. Ugh... Fuck dreams! And i shouldn't even be saying dream cause it was a nightmare! It makes no sense to me why I still care about him. Once i figure that out for myself I'll let you know.
Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.
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So anyways... I've been listening to this song called "Broken Arrow" by Pixie Lott a lot and I really really really love this song. Because its like my perfect song, legit. Its a great song.
I wanna go see Reese like now. She makes me feel better about stupid boys like Casey. I think i'm gunna try to convince Tom to talk to his parents and let me go up to Grand Forks with him so i can see her this weekend maybe possibly if shes not busy. But i doubt that will happen D: OR I wanna make/ask one of the guys with a car bring me there next weekend. Cause i needs her! But if all else fails i am like DETERMINED to go down there over MEA break. Cause I like need to see Reese asap cause she is my best friend so yeah. I love her.
I'm worried about Llogan. I mean he drives me insane some times and he says absolutely rediculous things that sometimes hurts people but still... I love him. And I'm worried that the fight we got in was part of the reason he went, well, crazy. I wanna know what happened.. But after he gets back I have a feeling he wont talk to me. And who knows when he will get back /: He was talking to me one time about how he had to go to some place for 45 days or something but i think that was for a different reason... So i'm hoping it won't be that long. /: I wish he would get better.
I hate the new facebook. Its really dumb and confusing.. Just saying.
I'm rather hungry but i'm not at the same time... My weird appetite again. I seriously think not smoking is causing this. But I don't need to be hungry anyways. I feel fat when I eat and I need to be skinny! Adam always gets mad at me when i say that, he says "You're skinny right now!" But hes crazy.
Boys are still confusing as hell... they seriously need to make there minds up about things. For example: You cant basically tell a girl you like her and then chicken out half way in. Come on... grow a bigger pair! You can do it! Yay for my pep talks! Lawl.
So I really want it to be Christmas! I love Christmas so much. Cause it's just like a magical time and it feels like the things you want are so much more in reach. It feels like, well, heres an example.. it feels like the boy your in love with will all of a sudden realize they love you too and drive as fast as he can to your house knock on your door and kiss you. Then live happily ever after <3 Too bad that won't happen. But fuck, i can dream right? /: Anyways... I do love Christmas time for other reasons though, I love decorating the tree and the smell of Pine trees are amazing. And I love making cookies and decorating them. And singing Christmas carols with the radio. And i haven't celebrated christmas with anyone that i could loose, like a boyfriend for example. I've never spent Christmas with a boyfriend and I think I am going to keep it that way because i know if i have them there and then we break up I will freaking hate Christmas and that would not be good. I mean there was that one Christmas i had to spend with Patti and Kelli and now there not in my life, but, lucky im over that. I feel bad for my dad though cause I know he really misses Patti, he really loved her. But thats a different story.
Fuck, that all just made me sad. I hate Casey. Well, not really... I actually love him. But I'll just say I hate him to make it easier on me. I hate Casey!
Dammit .
I'm done thinking now its making me a little sad.. Shit. Okay bye.
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