Sad and Scared

Sometimes I don't understand why I am the way I am...

 Lately I've felt so sad about pretty much everything. I feel like I have to force every smile I put on my face, and I hate it.But, I started taking my pills again so hopefully that will make me feel better in a few weeks. And I get to go to Wisconsin this weekend so maybe that will help me relax a little.

One of the reasons I've been sad lately is because I feel like I've been annoying the shit out of Adam. I just feel bad because I feel so needy all the time. Lately I just really want him to kiss me and hold me. And I know its bothering him with how affectionate I'm being. But, I can't help it... He's always been that one person that I KNOW loves me and cares about me, so I just constantly want him to show it because honestly no one else does... I have to basically pry an I love you out of my dad. My mom hasn't told me in years. My sister is not affectionate at all so she never says it. Tom, Matt and David left. Joey's in school. And I don't even talk to Reese anymore. So basically the only person left to make me feel loved is him. And I guess I just have to get over being so clingy and needy all the time and give him his space. 

But one thing that makes me even more sad about the situation is I feel like Adam is starting to lose feelings for me. I don't know if I'm just insane or what... But before when he kissed me I could just tell and feel how much he loved me. And the way he looked at me would send shivers down my spine. He always looked at me like I was the most beautiful girl he had ever seen. And every time I looked at my phone I would have the sweetest message from him that just made my heart melt. And also for a while, we would lay down in my bed to go to sleep and we would end up staying up until 6am talking about how much we loved each other.. hearing him tell me how much he loved me meant more to me then I could ever explain...  It just makes me sad because lately I just don't feel the love in his kiss anymore and I don't feel beautiful anymore.... I know that he loves me with his whole heart. But, I just miss feeling and knowing how loved I am.

I'm going to try and lay low for the next few weeks though and give him his space. I'm scared he's going to get sick of me /: 

I just hate feeling like this.. ):

Done.

Im turning off my phone for a while cause I'm tired of it and im tired of stupid selfish people. And I just need sleep cause I'm sick and I'm exhausted from this weekend. So if you can't get a hold of me that's why.

The Truth.

Since when are emotions things that you can just play with, like a new toy?

I'm sick of all this fighting. And I'm sick of all this drama.
I either just want to fix things or just end them once and for all. Because I really can't take much more of this back and forth stuff. I would much rather fix things, but lately it seems like no one cares enough to. So if thats the case and no one gives a shit then I'm just going to be done. Because I'm not going to make myself depressed all over again for people who really don't give a fuck.

Adam-

I'm sorry that you feel like I'd rather hang out with and talk to Joey instead of you and I'm sorry that you feel like you have to "one up Joey" and try so hard to get my attention. Me and him just got close after you left and wouldn't talk to me. I mean what did you want me to do? Sit around for those 3 months and just wait and cry? I literally would have gone insane. I don't know what to do Adam. I feel like I can't win here. I want to be best friends again and I want to hang out more and talk more and be like it used to be. But it seems like you really honestly could give a shit less if we are even friends. I mean if thats the case then please let me know.. Because I can just stop trying and I can leave you alone if thats really what you want. I'm just sick of always feeling like a burden to you, and I hate feeling like I don't matter. Do you have any idea how much that hurts me? Do you have any idea how much I cry because all I want is for us to be close again. I just want to matter to you as much as I used to. I get really really jealous when you find all these new people to talk to because I feel like I'm being replaced. And I get really jealous when you go up to Reese's because I feel left out, I feel like she's better then me.. I feel like you love and care about her a lot more then you do me... And it hurts my feelings so much...


Reese-

I'm hate arguing with you. I'm tired of it.
You like Thomas.. okay fine you like him, I understand. I'm done telling you to take a break from guys because I just want you to be happy. And if he's really what makes you happy then I accept, I approve. Not that you  needed my approval but I just thought I'd let you know that I approve and I'm done fighting against it. And I'm going to be honest I guess I'm just jealous of Thomas/Gilbe because all of a sudden your full attention is on him and then he goes to see you and now he's trying to come up every other weekend and he wants to move there. It's like, all of a sudden instead of you wanting me to come up, you want him and Adam to come up. And you tell me you miss me yet you never say hey, come see me. Its more like, Oh I miss you so much and I wish you were here, then 5 seconds later your talking about how your excited to see Adam and Gilbe cause they are coming to see you. Its basically like a huge slap in the face to me. It just makes me feel really unwanted by you. Like I'm being replaced...


I doubt you guys will ever read this but if you do there is the truth. Bottom line, I'm hurt and I want to stop all this arguing.

Hurt

I've been up for about and hour and a half. Its eight fifty-three a.m. and already my day is bad and I want to cry.

I couldn't fall asleep until 5 in the morning... I woke up at 7:30 cause my dad asked me to bring George in from outside in a few minutes. Well after about ten minutes it was way to quiet outside so I went to check on him and he's gone. So I have to go get dressed and go find him. Well, my sister had taken some of the wheels off of my rollerblades so they were loose and not screwed on all the way. So I had to put them on and try to rollerblade with loose wheels. Well I found him down the path with a lady and two other dogs... George wouldn't fucking listen to me so I had to rollerblade home and get my dad to drive his truck to the ladys house to get my dog. That took like 20 minutes to get him in the truck. But I finally got him into the house. I'm tired as fuck.

And now I managed to piss of Adam and he won't text me back. I just fail... /:
Ever since our huge fight I feel like I just can't hang on to him anymore. Nothing feels the same about our friendship. He keeps saying how he wants me to believe it when he says he loves me and not question it. I want to just believe it, I really really do. But, how can I... He basically left me for 3 months. I understand why he did it.. But still... It fucking hurt so bad. It hurts when your best friend just leaves without an explanation. 3 months without a call or a text. Its like he just vanished. I cried all the time because I missed him so much. But, nothing I said or did made him want to talk to me again.
He promised me he would never leave because he knows how hurt I get when people leave me. He had seen me cry over Casey, my brother, my mom, my old friends, and he saw how much that hurt me. But he still did... and I think that's what hurt the worst... that he had seen what could break me and promised not to ever do it, but still did.

I just want things to go back to how they were between us. But, I just feel like its so hard to get back to that point... I'm scared he'll leave me again. I feel like he's always annoyed of me and I hate it ):

I just want to cry right now. For the first time in my life I want to leave. I want to get out of Minnesota and just start somewhere new. Cause I'm starting to feel lost here. I don't know who to turn to sometimes. So lately I just try to keep my mouth shut. Because I realized the other day when I was crying that I didn't know who to call to talk to. I didn't want to bother anyone with my problems so I just kept them to myself.

I cant fucking sleep!

So, right now I am in Glenwood. And I CANT SLEEP.  AT ALL. Its fucking -8 degrees out and Im freezing. Well, not that I'm like, sleeping outside or anything... but it's still beyond cold in here. I need a cuddle buddy /: And also I only get 2g mobile internet here which means I can't even watch Netflix on my phone. So that's why I decided to blog xD

I think another reason I can't sleep is because I'm really excited for today! I can't wait to get up and drink some warm coffee and have breakfast! And then we will probably go into town after that and pick up some Bacardi Limon from the Grog Shop because me and my dad kinda polished it off last night... XD And then I need to go pick up a few things and I want to see the new hardware store they built up here. Yes, I actually want to go look at the hardware store and see what they have.. thats what happens when your dads owned a hardware store your whole life.

And also, tomorrow is the Chili Cook off! I LOVE being part of that.  It's so much fun because my family goes ALL OUT.  We pick a theme and then we decorate out booth accordingly and we dress up to fit our theme. This year is sports theme and were trying to raise money for Jack Jablonski. So were all going to put on some sort of sports Jersey and then serve our chili. I'm so excited I love being part of that.
And then when we get done with  the Chili cook off we will probably have dinner at Lakeside like we usually do and then go back to the house, start a fire and have some drinks.. and maybe sneak a few cigs with my aunt (;

I just really want it to be 8... then someone will be up and I wont be so bored! Or 6:45... Cause then Zane gets up and I can text him! Speaking of Zane... I fucking love him! He's the best boyfriend I've ever had (:

Speaking of boys... I really don't fucking understand some of them. Like Matt for example. Like, okay... So he's apparently liked me for years now. And during this last summer me and him got very close and we ended up kissing all the time... Even though he has a girlfriend... And you think that if he REALLY wanted to be with me hr would have broken up with her but did he? No. Cause he's stupid. So now that I have a boyfriend he won't talk to me.  He won't even give me the time of day... Like what the fuck... He has no reason to be mad at me. If anything I should be the one mad at him!  Ugh....... Whatever. I just don't understand at all.

K my fingers hurt... Bye!

The Past.

I know that things that happened to me in the past helped make me who I am today. But, I fucking hate when I have do deal with the people and old situations from the past.


On January 23rd my old best friend from 10th grade texted me and was telling me about some bull shit rumor that my ex is starting. Apparently, "I'm over 8 months pregnant with his kid and    he broke up with me and I've been heart broken ever since." Haha that douche wishes I still gave a shit. He's a liar and I've never been happier that I broke up with someone <3 But, then my old best friend started texting me and was like "I miss you" and "Remember when.." and was asking me if I wanted to hang out and... No, I don't want to hang out. Everything that happened is in the past and I'm not going to go back to who I was in 10th grade..


On January 27th I had a dream about a different ex boyfriend.. and in this dream, for some reason, I had to live with him and his girlfriend... what the fuck kind of dream is that... It was an awful dream. I woke up so sad. I wish those dreams about him would stop... I don't want to have them anymore. They hurt.


Today, My ex best friend from 7-9th grade texted me. She said "so sorry to hear about nathan and mallory." Like shut the fuck up bitch, I could give 2 shits about him. I hope they are very happy together. I guess she really likes douche bags.. good for her!


Also, today my dads ex girlfriends daughter, Kelli, texted me and asked how I was. That broke my heart a little bit because it reminds me how much I miss them. My dad was ready to Marry Kelli's mom Patti. But then what happened... they leave us. Like people usually do. I feel so bad for my dad... its been hard for him to get over that. But, I'm proud of him for coming this far.




I wish people from the past would just stay in the past. Because that's where we left them and moved on... I mean, I guess we can't just run from the past forever, eventually it catches up with us. But, I wish it would all just stay there.

I'm Sorry.

I know that things between us have been very rocky lately and I just wanted to say sorry for everything that's happened. I'm sorry for not trying to get you back when I probably should have. But, just for once I wanted you to come after me so I knew I was important to you. But... it happened and now its over. I just hope that we can put all of that shit behind us now and go back to being as good of friends as we used to be. Cause I can't lose you after 7 years of being best friends... I won't let that happen.

But anyways... Another thing I want to apologize for is because I know you've been sad lately and I feel like its my fault... Like, I feel like I stole all your friends that you were close to. That wasn't my intention though. I just really connected to everyone at one point and time. I hope you can forgive me for all of this because I really love you and I just want to put all of these fights and arguments in the past and just be best friends again.

I love you boo. And I always will. Like I said in the scrapbook... You will ALWAYS be my best friend, no matter what. Text me anytime if you need to talk.

One Hundred and Twenty Three Hours ♥

In 123 hours I will be with my babies Reese and Zane <3 I really can't wait. I'm so insanely impatient. I just want to be there with them so bad. I'm really scared though... Because I know once I'm there the week is just going to fly by and then I'll be in tears when I have to leave. I really won't want to leave at all. But I really need to see them. I need a break from the drama here, Adam just makes me feel so unwanted and unloved so it will be nice to be somewhere where I'm really wanted. I just can't wait to give them hugs and kisses and cuddle with them all day <3 Oh, I bought my ticket today by the way. $130. Its worth it though.

I really like Zane.. a lot. So it really sucks that we have to live so far away from eachother. But, I want to be with him because he makes me very very happy. He's so sweet. And still loves me regardless of all my flaws. He likes me for me and that's what I want. I guess we'll just have to see what happens over the week. Hopefully good things (:

I wish that Adam still cared about me. But, I guess I get the hint... He hasn't even tried to talk to me. Not even when he told Joey he was going to. I guess I must not mean much to him if he can't even text me. So I'll just keep going on with life I guess. It just kinda hurts that I'm not even worth a text. You think he'd atleast try. But he seems just fine without me. Maybe even happier and if he is happier then I guess I'm glad. I don't want to hold him back from being happy. So I hope he's doing good. Because even if we stopped being friends for good and never talked again.. I would still hope the very best for him and I'll still love him. And I'll always be greatful for everything he has helped me through,

Oh my lord.. I am freezing /: Time to curl up and watch a movie.
Goodnight.

Venting #18- Waiting

Okay so I am so so so so excited I just had to blog about this before I fell asleep! I probably won't even be able to fall asleep!

So, today I talked to my dad and asked him If I could go see Reese on Saturday for a week and he said yes and so did Reese's parents!!! :D So this week I need to get all caught up in school, clean the house spotless, clean my room, do all my laundry... which is a lot, and then pack! (: So I leave late Saturday night and I get there at like 5am on Sunday and Zane is going to come pick me up along with Reese and Tucker! And I just know I'll get the BIGGEST hug ever from Reese, she'll probably tackle hug me to the ground xD And Zane said he was going to give me a biiig kiss and carry me out to his car hehehe, I'm excited! :D I've been waiting for almost 6 months to kiss him (: And then we're going to go out for a double date breakfast. I can't wait to see them, they make me feel so loved and wanted <3

And we're going to take lots of pictures and do lots of cuddling and have so much fun! I love them sooooo so much <33

Okay, well... I'm going to attempt to sleep now. Goodnight (:

Venting #17- Shitty Day

Well basically I had a pretty shitty day today.. Well besides when Joey was here.

But, I just felt really sick all day and I'm fucking so tired of being sick. And then I did the dishes and whatever until Joey came over at 5 and then we hung out and had a fun time like we always do. And it was his birthday yay Joeys 17 now! xD But then after he left I tried to remove the wallpaper in the bathroom and i threw a bitch fit cause it wouldnt fucking come off. And then Zane told me he couldn't come down for my birthday. Great....

I'm in a really sad mood now.

I really like Zane a lot. But I really don't fucking know what to do anymore because me and him already tried this dating song and dance and it didn't work. But most of it was my fault because I hate getting close to people because I feel like everyone just fucks me over in the end but I have to stop thinking that way about everyone. So. I've really been trying hard to not get so angry and jealous. And I've been working on telling people how I actually feel and not always saying "its nothing" or "dont worry about it" nothing gets solved that way. And I've really really been trying to trust more... even though no one yet has given me a good reason to trust people but I'm trying to forget about all of that bull shit and just start new..... But I' just really confused on what to do at this point.

And Adam.... I really have absolutely NO fucking clue what to even think with him. At this points it really seems like he honestly doesn't give 2 shits about me. He hasn't even attempted to try and talk to me. If he really cared he would have. I just don't understand at all. But I'll tell you what.. I'm done being the first one to say "I'm sorry" cause I always have been. I think its his turn this time. If he still cares and still wants me in his life he can be the first to say sorry or talk about it. I feel like I'm always the one to save our friendship but I'm not going to this time.. he can. But so far I haven't heard shit from him. So that really makes me think that he doesn't care. Whatever I guess I'm just not worth it.


I wish I could see Zane right now //:

Goodnight.

Venting #16- Ex Boyfriends.

Okay so I'm just going to cut right to the chase here... I am SO sick of Casey and his skank girlfriend Jessica. Like, seriously bitch don't add me on Facebook if your dating my ex boyfriend. Fuck off. Your a bitch and I hate you so don't add me EVER. God, she irritates me.

But, speaking of Casey I'm so over him. He's just an ass and that's what he will be forever. A pot smoking asshole.

And, speaking of pot. That shit is nasty... I hate when people use it or say "that they do". Like, A, have fun in rehab someday because your going to get addicted to it and deny that you are just like EVERYONE else I know that has had a problem with it. And, B, It pisses me off when you talk about it.


Okay... but anyways... I think I like Zane again. And I'm not going to lie it sucks. Because like I've said many, many times before... He lives so far away. And I can't do long distance relationships I just cant. I'm too needy and I get too sad when I know I cant see them all the time. But, he's just such a great guy and me and him get along perfectly and we don't argue ever. And he always knows what to say to make me feel better or make me smile when I'm crying. Last night for example.. I was Skyping him and I seriously did not stop smiling the whole time and that was over an hour. My cheeks literally were soar from smiling so much. So this situation just blows... why does he have to live far away? I don't understand the way God thinks sometimes... I always wonder why he had me meet him if he lives so far away... I wish I could like call God up and ask him questions like this. But I guess I'll have to figure it out myself. I have a lot to figure out.... /: I'm just confused on who I should be with.... D:

So yeah...
I love Reese! She's my best friend and I can't wait until I get to go up and see her in a few weeks! <3

Venting #15: Done

Well... Im done.  Im done trying to make things better because it seems like you  really could give a shit less about me. You dont want to see me, talk to me or come over anymore. Its like im nothing.. well i guess if thats all i am to you then im done.                                                               

Thanks for the last 7 years.. thank you for being there for me. And im sorry i was such an awful friend, i mean i must have been since you dont give me the time if day anymore. So sorry for being an awful best friend.  I hope you have a good life and find everything your looking for. So i guess thats it. Ill leave you alone. I can delete your number and off of facebook cause it probably wouldn't matter to you anyways. 

Venting #14- Dear Best Friend...

Dear Best Friend, 


I just wanted to start off by saying that I love you with my whole heart. You are my best friend and you will always always be my best friend. I will never be able to thank you enough for always being there for me and always wiping away my tears and staying up all hours of the night to talk to me, I will never ever forget all those times and how much you have helped me. But, you need to know that I am done fighting to be in your life. Because I always feel like I have to fight to keep myself in your life, I feel like once I've become an important part of your life something happens and I have to fight for it again. Over and over and over. I don't want to have to fight for it anymore... It would just be nice to know that I'll always be part of your life and I'm not just going to be forgotten. I'm so sick of feeling forgotten by you. And, I'm not trying to be selfish... and I'm glad that you have new people in your life you care about but this is how it goes every single time... We become very, very close and it stays that way for a while until we get into a fight and then you meet someone else, get very, very close with them and then you barely remember I'm living and then sometime down the line you think "hey, i miss Sara" and then we talk and become close again. It happens over and over and over. And I'm just done... If you want a break from me.. fine. If you want me to leave you alone... fine. If you want me out of your life... fine, if thats what you wanted. But, just let me know these things straight up. Because I'm sick of playing these games. I'm sick of having to guess. If you want me to back off let me know. Because that's what I've been getting from you for the last week. I feel like I'm a nothing to you again. I feel like I should just leave you alone. And I guess thats what I'll do. Because you don't seem like you want to see me or talk to me. Oh I loved how excited you were to see me tonight too..... thanks for saying nothing to me. Thats what I expected though. Because now theres someone else in your life... and really, really, really I dont care that there is. I dont care that you talk to her, spend time with her whatever thats not the issue. The issue is when you stop talking to me. When you ignore me. When I feel like I'm just nothing to you. It makes me feel like I was the worst "best friend" ever... It hurts...

So basically what I'm saying... Is, I'm tired of these games. If you dont put any effort in talking to me.. why should I anymore? I'm done being the one that makes it better. If you still want me as your best friend let me know otherwise just keep ignoring me... I'll get the hint.

Venting #13- Friendships

I got through 11/11/11 without any alcohol, I am actually quite impressed with myself. And you might wonder what I would need alcohol for this date... Well, It happens to be the anniversary of Casey and Jessica. It was there 2 year anniversary. And not to mention the 2 year anniversary of the day I gave him my necklace back. Once I heard him and Jessica were serious and I heard he was going to ask her out I gave him his necklace back that he had given me. I'll never forget the look on his face, he looked hurt, crushed, the look you have when you realize the thing you had with someone is over. It wasn't over though, never will be for me, but he still thinks it is and I'm starting to be okay with that.


Friendship is a very fragile thing, just like love. Sometimes friendships turn into romance, sometimes they come crashing down. Sometimes they are made out of envy and greed and sometimes out of pity.

I'm having a lot of trouble with the "friendships turning into romance" area. I'm not sure if or who I have feelings for. I'm very confused... Maybe I just need to talk to someone about it because usually when I do and I go through and talk about each person in the end I know who to pick. Or maybe I just haven't found the right guy to date yet. I really don't know.

There's this guy that lives really far away but every time we Skype I always laugh and smile because I'm not afraid to be myself around him and time just gets lost when I talk to him. But, it didn't work last time we dated... its too hard for me to have a long distance relationship, I'm very needy and a huge cuddle bug.
            Then there's another guy that lives close like 2 miles away and he makes me feel really special and pretty and he always puts me first and that really means a lot. And we always have really deep conversations and I'm not afraid to let everything out. But, his parents are rather judgmental and i know they wouldn't like me and I dont want to date someone who's parents think I'm not good enough.
            And the last guy, I've known him for a very long time and he said he's loved me the whole time he's known me and that I was the girl he would pick over anyone. And I have this really bug attraction to him I always want to kiss him and I want him to hold me whenever I'm with him. But, he has a girlfriend and he can be very bipolar he says one thing but means another. Its just so complicated with him.

I'm really stuck in a rut here. I don't know what to do. I guess I need to see all of them. I haven't seen the first guy since June and the last 2 for 2 weeks. I just need to talk to them I guess and figure out where I stand with them. I just hate being so forward about it. But, I have to do what I have to do...


And since were talking about friendships... Me and my best friends friendship, is not doing so well right now. I love him so so so so fucking much, I love him with my whole damn heart. But, I'm just a little hurt by how he said I don't care... I wish he would stop saying that when we get into fights or when I get into my funks where I feel lost and I just don't want to talk to anyone. I hope he really knows I do care. I care about him more then anyone else. Me and him have gone through more things then I've gone through with anyone and we've always been by each others side no matter what. And I guess... I haven't been a very good friend lately, I've been cranky and irritable and mean. I've been really mean.... Oh shit.... this is all my fault. I've been so distant and lost. I just... I'm not sure who I am sometimes. I want to be so much more successful and outgoing then I am but I just don't know how, I just feel lost, alone and confused right now. And he's the only constant I've had and most of the time I push around my constant and I push them away and... I guess its a test I do, to see if they will really stay even when I've pushed them to the extreme and hurt them. And he always has stayed. Always. I need to text him, Fuck.. I wish he was up right now.


Gotta go.

Venting #12- My Mind

So today, I went grocery shopping and got eggnog and apple cider! Fuck yeah <3 And I found a recipe for spiked apple cider and guess what its spiked with... Crown Royal! And I have some! Yes! And I also Skyped Zane and Reese and then after Reese when to bed I just skyped zane for like 2 hours (:
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So this idea just jumped into my brain... I think for Christmas I'm going to repaint Emily's room and get her a new comforter and stuff :D
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But anyways... Lately I've really been thinking a lot about the beginning of summer. I really miss it. I miss my Reese and I miss my Llogie bear and I miss my David. I hate that all of us never ever ever talk. We all used to be such good friends.. like wtf. It makes me really sad. Reese was my best best best friend I told her absolutely everything and I called her like 3 times a day. And now we maybe shoot eachother 20 texts a day. I mean, she still is my best friend but we're really distant. And I miss the shit out of her. I miss skyping like every second and when she comes to visit me. And I love when she crushes up Butterfingers into my icecream and feeds it to me when I'm sick <3
        And David, shit, I'd hang out with him and Adam like every fucking day and now I dont even hear from him, and I miss him. He's really helped me through a lot and was always there to hold me when I cry and hold my hand if I got really upset. Like, the night we had to go to fuck faces house to get Reese's stuff and I didn't want to see creeper  so he held my hand the whole way there and back so I'd know someone was there. And that same night when we got back to Adams and Llogan was like forcing me to talk about it and I didnt want to, he stood up for me and held me tight when I cried. That just really meant a lot to me.
        And Llogan, well, I did have a pretty big crush on him. He just made me feel special and believe it or not  he even helped me get over Casey a little. Because when I had a crush on Casey I would always get nervous when he would come over and, Casey lived next door to my best friend at the time.. Funny huh? So, it just helped me get over him because I realized I actually can have a crush on someone like that again. And Llogan helped me on one of the scariest nights of my life. He was the one that picked up my phone call and for that I am FOREVER greatful.

So... I just really miss them a lot. I could honestly start crying right now. I miss "the group" a lot. But, no one could ever replace any of them no matter how distant we might get. <3 And thats the truth.
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Yeah, so... My mind is very very complicated. Right as I think I've got things figured out... BAM! Nope, I change my mind. I tend to do that a lot. I change my mind a lot. I really need to figure things out. Because in all honesty I've been leading some people on. And I have no idea where my feelings lye. I'm being too much like my dad, we've been hurt our whole lifes so we tend to hurt other people because well... this is sick to admit... but I think there's this part inside of us where we want to hurt other people because we want them to feel the pain we've been feeling for years. And you know what, yes... Its AWFUL. BITCHY. DISGUSTING. But, its not intentional. Its just what we do. We cheat. We put up walls. We lead people on. We can't get close because everyone hurts us so we ignore them and find reasons to leave them.
 I can't stop it. Its this mad insane cycle that never ends. But I really don't mean to... I don't want to hurt anyone intentionally.

But I guess I hurt Adams feelings because he "feels like" I don't care anymore... Like, I'm sorry but what the fuck... that pissed me off so hardcore I flipped dick. I just can't believe he said I don't care... again. I do. I just have been crabby because of the time of month. And I feel like all I'm doing is leading him on with my constant obsessive calling and texting and cuddling.. I feel guilty because he's my best friend and thats how I want things to stay between us.. Best Friends. So I feel like I need to stop the cuddling, kissing, constant calling and texting. I didn't stop texting him because "I dont care" thats not it at all... I love him with all my heart... But I think he might love me in a different way then I love him... But thats my fault.. I was leading him on without even really realizing it. So I'm stopping that. I feel so bad though. Shit...

I'm also really confused on who I like.. I'm not sure if I like anyone or not... I think I might have a crush on someone but I'm not sure.. I'll find out soon enough though. And if I end up not liking anyone I guess thats okay too.. guys make my brain go nuts.. I could use a break xD But then again I really wouldn't mind being able to cuddle up with someone thats actually "mine" and what not. I wont go on about this again because I have in like every other post xD
------------------------------------------------------

Lately I've been Listening to "Shinedown" I really like these two songs: "The Crow and The Butterfly" and "Call Me" <3
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Reese and Zane said that they are going to try and come down for my birthday! I hope they can! That would be amazing (: 57 days!
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Christmas is in 44 days <3
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Today fucking blows... You know whats on this date? Casey and Jessica's 2 year anniversary. Yup... I'm getting drunk.
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Now I'm gunna watch Family Guy :D

Venting #11- Love

Love is the weirdest thing ever. It really just confuses the crap out of me. One day I think I'm in love but then the next day I'm like, "No fuck that! Love sucks" and then other days I'm just dying to be in love. And today, I'm dying to be in love. I miss it so much. I miss being able to kiss and hold someone. I want someone to make me feel like no one else can. Someone to make me feel so loved and so special, and someone that is so romantic and takes me on surprise dates and whispers sweet things into my ear. Holds my hand when I least expect it. Kisses me when we're fighting. Gives me butterflies every moment I'm with them. Holds me when I cry. And someone to take care of me.

And I mean.. there's a few guys I could date right now. But, I don't want to date people just to date them. I want that feeling where if I didn't have them I feel like I might just die. I want to date someone that I feel like I can't be without, and that I have that warm fuzzy feeling when I'm with them. Someone I IMMEDIATELY have strong feelings for. I can't remember the last time I felt like that. But I want to again, so so so bad. Romantic movies make me so sad... Its like WHY CAN'T THAT HAPPEN TO ME?!?! Ugh... I watched the Last Song tonight and that movie is SO cute. She met him when she least expected to, he takes care of her, kisses her when they fight, takes care of her brother, carves their names into a tree, sits in the back of his truck and talk, writes "forever" on her shoe, dances with her, playfully has a mud fight with her.. Oh my gosh, PERFECT. I'm just so ready to find that one person I want to spend the rest of my life with because I'm just ready to be in love and be happy everyday.

I'm sick of being lonely and being stuck at my house most of the time. I miss love. And for once I just want someone to take care of me for a change. Someone to put me to sleep, someone to shut off the lights and lock the doors for me, someone to carry me to bed when I'm tired. Someone to tell me everything will be okay because they will never leave me. Someone to wake me up in the mornings. Someone that actually wants to go to the pumpkin patch or apple orchard or the movies or something, someone that would actually plan dates for us sometimes. Someone that loves my Sister or Dad as much as I do.

I know it seems like I'm asking for a lot. But I just want someone to be there for me and take care of me and love me unconditionally forever. And I hope I can find someone like that soon.



So, that's about all.
Oh, and btw... This is my favorite song at the moment. I love the lyrics, music video, and overall message of it <3

Venting #10- Heart Ache

Ouch... this just made me cry for an hour. Fuck Myspace... It just reminds me of him and how much I loved him.. and how much he loved me /:

Fuck me! Dammit! I hate love. Cause guess why.. you love someone with your whole heart and you end up getting hurt. Thanks Myspace for reminding me not to ever fall in love or trust anyone ever again.



No one ever reads my blogs anyways but if theres someone whos actually reading this and wants to read me and Caseys conversation from 2 years ago... have fun. Start at the bottom of the conversation. Cause this is some old ass Myspace formats.




----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Sara. /:
To: kC
Date: Mar 31, 2009 10:30 PM
Subject: RE: (:


Lol, Cute (:
Well, I Really Really Like You Tooo.

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: kC
To: Sara. /:
Date: Mar 31, 2009 10:29 PM
Subject: RE: (:


most of the time, i just really really like you (;

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Sara. /:
To: kC
Date: Mar 31, 2009 10:23 PM
Subject: RE: (:


Danggg Every Single Time?!?!?!?!?!?!!!!
Hehehehehehehe (:


----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: kC
To: Sara. /:
Date: Mar 31, 2009 10:20 PM
Subject: RE: (:


Yeah everytime :D
ha im getting them just talking about it (;

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Sara. /:
To: kC
Date: Mar 31, 2009 10:16 PM
Subject: RE: (:


Really?!?!?!?!?? :DD

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: kC
To: Sara. /:
Date: Mar 31, 2009 10:14 PM
Subject: RE: (:


(; ha thats funny because when ever i know im going to see you i get butterflies, especialy when im walking to aylas and i know your there<3
----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Sara. /:
To: kC
Date: Mar 31, 2009 10:07 PM
Subject: RE: (:


Yeah! I Always Do When I Think Of Youuu. (:
<333
Lmao Thanks Its My Fav Shirtt (;

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: kC
To: Sara. /:
Date: Mar 31, 2009 10:03 PM
Subject: RE: (:


:D did you really?!
(; i love you so much ill always love you<33
oh yea i like that shirt your wearing in that picture(:
And your eyes i've never seen eyes like yours i love them(; i guess i just really love that pic of you (;


----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Sara. /:
To: kC
Date: Mar 31, 2009 9:54 PM
Subject: RE: (:


Well Stop Thinking About Me & Do Your Homework! (:
Really??
(:
Dayummmm I Just Got Butterflies In My Tummy (:
I Love You So Fucking Muchh.
& Your Everything I've Ever Wanted. Ferr Real. Your Amazing (:

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: kC
To: Sara. /:
Date: Mar 31, 2009 9:49 PM
Subject: RE: (:


:D your all im thinking of ha i can't even do my homework now(:
I love you like i've never loved anyone before<3

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Sara. /:
To: kC
Date: Mar 31, 2009 9:39 PM
Subject: RE: (:


I Love You CDL<3
With All My Heart (: <3

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: kC
To: Sara. /:
Date: Mar 31, 2009 9:37 PM
Subject: RE: (:


(: I LOVE YOU SCAN<3

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Sara. /:
To: kC
Date: Mar 31, 2009 9:31 PM
Subject: RE: (:


Idunnooo About That (:
I Love You A Wholeeeeeee Lot (:

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: kC
To: Sara. /:
Date: Mar 31, 2009 9:29 PM
Subject: RE: (:


Your wrong :)
I Love You So Much More (:

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Sara. /:
To: kC
Date: Mar 31, 2009 9:27 PM
Subject: RE: (:


Nawwwwww (:
I Wuvv Yeww Wayy More (:

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: kC
To: Sara. /:
Date: Mar 31, 2009 9:26 PM
Subject: RE: (:


(; Well I Wuv You More ;)

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Sara. /:
To: kC
Date: Mar 31, 2009 9:23 PM
Subject: RE: (:


Wow!
Whatevsss (:
Heheee
I Wuvv Yewww (:





------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

CIDDLE (11-11-09<3) says
:D I wuvv You to <3SARA<3 !


Mar 3, 2009
SimplySara<3 says
Awwww! :D
I Wuvv You Casey! :D


Mar 3, 2009
CIDDLE (11-11-09<3) says
(; Of course really!:) I cant even explain how much you mean to me like no joke(:


Mar 3, 2009
SimplySara<3 says
:DDDDDDDD
Really?


Mar 3, 2009
CIDDLE (11-11-09<3) says
:) You really dont know how much that means to here you say that (; I never want to loose you again either idk what i would do without you.


Mar 3, 2009
SimplySara<3 says
Yes Really. (:
I Love You So Much Casey.. (:
I Don't Ever Wanna Loose You.
I Really Really Don't, You Mean The World To Me.


Mar 3, 2009
CIDDLE (11-11-09<3) says
:D Really?! That means so much for you to say that:) You mean everything to me:) I would do anything for you(;


Mar 3, 2009
SimplySara<3 says
I Love You Too Casey Dwight Luoma (:
You Mean More To Me Then You Will Ever Know (:


Mar 3, 2009
CIDDLE (11-11-09<3) says
:D i really do love you so much! :) SARA CHRISTINE ANN NEUMANN<3 :D


Mar 3, 2009
SimplySara<3 says
AWW! (:
Samee Heree!! :DDD


Mar 3, 2009
CIDDLE (11-11-09<3) says
:)FOR REALLLLLLLL!:) I cant get you off my mind:)


Mar 3, 2009
SimplySara<3 says
):
Awwwww :DDD
For Real? (:


Mar 3, 2009
CIDDLE (11-11-09<3) says
Lots of stuff:( but mostly you:)


Mar 3, 2009
SimplySara<3 says
Lots Of Shit /:
Whats On Yours?


Mar 3, 2009
CIDDLE (11-11-09<3) says
Haha me too cause now im in a pissy mood haha:):/ So whats on your mind?


------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


So there ya have it. I'm so mad at myself... I was almost over him too.. and let me clarify. When I say "Over him" I mean im over wanting him to come back to me and im over waiting for him because it wont happen. He fell for my best friend. That seems to happen a lot. And people wonder why I dont have any friends that are girls. I can't fucking trust them... But, I'll never ever ever not love Casey. Cause you bet your ass I will love him until the day I die. And I really mean that. I will never stop loving him. Ever. He'll always be "The one that got away"




That boy still has my heart. And probably always will. Unless some day, if theres a guy brave enough to steal it back from him. I'm waiting for him. Patiently.


I have the biggest fucking headache ever now. Thanks tears and heartache...

So basically this is whats up... If your going to come into my life, you better plan on staying in it. And if your just gunna leave me someday. Go fuck yourself and don't waste my time. I can't take much more of this getting to know someone, loving them and then they leave. I'm done with it.


Thankyou and Goodnight.

Venting #9- Impatience

Well today..or I guess yesterday, I actually had a decent day I got up early and hung out with my dad and George, and then I made some pancakes, and discovered my new love and that would be the show "Extreme Couponing" that show is insane, and I want to do that too! But then I got mega tired cause I was tossing and turning all night so i took a 2 hour nap and then I got up and cleaned a little and then watched some more Extreme Couponing and then Emily came home! I was so excited because I love Emily a lot! And then Adam and Joey stopped by and that made me happy cause I freaking love them! And THEN while Emily and my dad were gone at church Tom texted me and said "Im at target do you want anything?" And I was like "An Icee!" but I was kidding cause there was zero percent need to get me something but he did anyways, and he came over and dropped it off and gave me a kiss! Haha so it was a really good day (:


But anyways, Okay, so... I was really tired tonight so I fell asleep at like 10 and then woke up at 1:00 to 8 texts and 2 missed calls... whoops sorry! And then I watched an episode of "All Grown Up" to fall asleep to but it was a Christmas episode! So now I'm like obsessing over Christmas! I've been up for the last 2 hours listening to Christmas music and wishing it would start snowing haha xD And now I'm watching "The Santa Clause 2" I feel like a freak because I am so so so in love with Christmas time!

Here are some of my favorite things about Christmas Time:

1. Being with my family, because I don't really get to be that often.
2. Listening to Christmas Music. Oh my goodness I love Christmas music! My favorite 3 songs I think are "Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas", "I'll be home for Christmas", and "Last Christmas"
3.Drinking hot chocolate! I make hot chocolate with 2% or Whole milk because it makes it that much richer and I add a splash of a vanilla and some cinnamon on top with marshmallows (: <3
4. Egg Nog! I could drink that stuff by the gallon! Oh my gosh.
5. Christmas Shopping! Some people hate it cause the stores are so crowded and gross but I love it because everyone is so cheerful and happy and they might not even realize it. And I love how malls decorate for Christmas. Do you see them decorate for any other holiday? Fuck no! Thats just cause Christmas is so Awesome!
6. Jesus was born on Christmas and a lot of people forget that's the reason we celebrate Christmas. But I'm very proud of my family because every year we sing Happy Birthday to him on Christmas and we always have our advent candles and that means a lot to myself and my family.
7. Putting up the Christmas Tree. I like putting up live Trees because it makes your house smell awesome and I love decorating it, I take hours and hours putting up decorations and listening to Christmas songs.
8. Almost every year, on the last day they play Christmas songs on the radio, me and my dad sit up until midnight (thats what time the songs end) and write down the last 5 songs they play.
9. Watching Christmas movies. My 2 absolute favorite movies to watch are "National Lampoons: Christmas Vacation" I think its the funniest movie ever, I can quote over half the movie. And "Deck the Halls" But I usually end up watching "A Christmas Carol" with my dad because that is his favorite movie. Oh! And I like the "Santa Clause" movies, 1-3 (:
10. Watching the snowfall<3 I think snow is absolutely beautiful. My favorite times is when its been snowing outside for a while and the snow just sparkles in the moonlight. And I have a street light on the corner so it just lights up the street perfectly and makes the snow look beautiful.
11. Putting up my Christmas village. I collect village pieces and it takes me about 2 days to put up my village perfectly.



Here are my Christmas Fantasies or dreams, I guess, that I would love to happen someday:

1. Waking up to find a puppy with a big red ribbon under the tree <3
2. Getting kissed under the Mistletoe <3
3. Having someone take me in a horse drawn carriage while its snowing <3
4. Getting engaged on Christmas morning <3 That would be perfect.
5. Take me for a Winter Walk down a lighted path <3
6. Fall in love so I can spend Christmas with them <333
7. Have kids and my own little family that I can share Christmas with <3


Haha so yeah! That my huge giant rant about Christmas. I just had to blog about it... lawl. Cause I'm super obsessing right now, like, HARDCORE. As I said earlier. But, now I guess I shall actually pay attention to my movie and try to fall asleep or I'm going to be tired as heck tomorrow!

OHHH! I FORGOT! Tomorrow I'm going to my mom's house to carve pumpkins, I'm pretty stoked about that too!


But, yeah..
59 days until Christmas <33333 Yes!

Venting #7- Drinking

So, i find it pretty funny when my best friend believes, me when i say I'm okay.
no, I'm not okay.... obviously its fake., i don't just go from crying to happy happy even when, i have been drinking. i guess no once really knows me as well as they say they do. like seriously... I'M FUCKING SAD!!!!! i just wanna end everything right now. cause everyone is just so fake and stupid. this is why i drink... like seriously. everyone days that they know me but they don't. they don't realize how hurt i am every day., no one knows., I'm just so down on myself all the time. every one sees a smile and things I'm okay... well if you really knew me you'd see I'm not okay... at all. i cry every day. and people just think of it as an act. oh, yeah... is it? is it really an act? do you think i like crying every day? do you think i like being alone? do you think i like drinking until i can't feel anything anymore? no i DON'T. I HATE IT!!!!!! no one sees it though. so I'll just keep quiet. maybe someone will see it someday....

People

Person #1: I love you... and I always will. And I wish you knew that I still loved you. But I'm done beating myself up over you... Your not coming back to me and I get that. I'm going to delete your number and try to forget. I wanna forget everything we had because its not important to you so why should it be to me, Maybe if I forget you I can love again.

Person #2: You deserve much better than me. Being with me is pointless because I just shut you out... Its what i'm good at. All i know how to do is put up walls and they just won't come down... Your an amazing guy and all i'm doing is hurting you. I'm honestly disgusted with myself. What I'm doing is sick..and I'm sorry I don't know how to fix it.

Person #3: I know I haven't been talking to you and to be honest its because it seems like you have a "perfect life" with perfect friends and your doing fine without me. Your having this perfect life without me in it and I don't want to ruin your happiness. And I haven't forgotten about you and your not "invisible" I'm just so so hurt... and I thought you would see that... You say I'm your best friend so how could you not see that I'm so upset? I just feel like you don't care. I do love you though... I hope you know that.

Person #4: I think I'm falling in love with you... and I don't know if I want that... Your my best friend. I can't and won't loose you if something happens. And I know myself... I put up walls that can't come down. I hurt people because I'm hurt.. and I don't mean to I just do, and I don't want to hurt you. I can't hurt you. You deserve someone so so amazing, someone that can never hurt you.

Person #5: I'm sorry I hurt you. I just wasn't happy anymore... I'm sorry that it had to come down to what it did. I'm sorry I am such a vile disgusting person that you had to block my number so I can never talk to you again. I'm sorry you think I'm such a bitch. But I did what I had to do to be happy. I'm sorry I'm so selfish. But I still love you, and don't think I never think about you, because I do... and I wish we could end things better.

Person #6: I'm so worried about you... You constantly work and then go out and get smashed every night. Its not good for you, your going to get sick. And if something happened to you my whole world would fall apart. Your my best friend and you have been my whole life. I miss you. I never see you anymore and that hurts so much, I cry about it all the time. I wish you knew that... I make it obvious. I love you though, so much.