In 123 hours I will be with my babies Reese and Zane <3 I really can't wait. I'm so insanely impatient. I just want to be there with them so bad. I'm really scared though... Because I know once I'm there the week is just going to fly by and then I'll be in tears when I have to leave. I really won't want to leave at all. But I really need to see them. I need a break from the drama here, Adam just makes me feel so unwanted and unloved so it will be nice to be somewhere where I'm really wanted. I just can't wait to give them hugs and kisses and cuddle with them all day <3 Oh, I bought my ticket today by the way. $130. Its worth it though.
I really like Zane.. a lot. So it really sucks that we have to live so far away from eachother. But, I want to be with him because he makes me very very happy. He's so sweet. And still loves me regardless of all my flaws. He likes me for me and that's what I want. I guess we'll just have to see what happens over the week. Hopefully good things (:
I wish that Adam still cared about me. But, I guess I get the hint... He hasn't even tried to talk to me. Not even when he told Joey he was going to. I guess I must not mean much to him if he can't even text me. So I'll just keep going on with life I guess. It just kinda hurts that I'm not even worth a text. You think he'd atleast try. But he seems just fine without me. Maybe even happier and if he is happier then I guess I'm glad. I don't want to hold him back from being happy. So I hope he's doing good. Because even if we stopped being friends for good and never talked again.. I would still hope the very best for him and I'll still love him. And I'll always be greatful for everything he has helped me through,
Oh my lord.. I am freezing /: Time to curl up and watch a movie.
Goodnight.
Monday, December 5, 2011
Venting #18- Waiting
Okay so I am so so so so excited I just had to blog about this before I fell asleep! I probably won't even be able to fall asleep!
So, today I talked to my dad and asked him If I could go see Reese on Saturday for a week and he said yes and so did Reese's parents!!! :D So this week I need to get all caught up in school, clean the house spotless, clean my room, do all my laundry... which is a lot, and then pack! (: So I leave late Saturday night and I get there at like 5am on Sunday and Zane is going to come pick me up along with Reese and Tucker! And I just know I'll get the BIGGEST hug ever from Reese, she'll probably tackle hug me to the ground xD And Zane said he was going to give me a biiig kiss and carry me out to his car hehehe, I'm excited! :D I've been waiting for almost 6 months to kiss him (: And then we're going to go out for a double date breakfast. I can't wait to see them, they make me feel so loved and wanted <3
And we're going to take lots of pictures and do lots of cuddling and have so much fun! I love them sooooo so much <33
Okay, well... I'm going to attempt to sleep now. Goodnight (:
So, today I talked to my dad and asked him If I could go see Reese on Saturday for a week and he said yes and so did Reese's parents!!! :D So this week I need to get all caught up in school, clean the house spotless, clean my room, do all my laundry... which is a lot, and then pack! (: So I leave late Saturday night and I get there at like 5am on Sunday and Zane is going to come pick me up along with Reese and Tucker! And I just know I'll get the BIGGEST hug ever from Reese, she'll probably tackle hug me to the ground xD And Zane said he was going to give me a biiig kiss and carry me out to his car hehehe, I'm excited! :D I've been waiting for almost 6 months to kiss him (: And then we're going to go out for a double date breakfast. I can't wait to see them, they make me feel so loved and wanted <3
And we're going to take lots of pictures and do lots of cuddling and have so much fun! I love them sooooo so much <33
Okay, well... I'm going to attempt to sleep now. Goodnight (:
Thursday, December 1, 2011
Venting #17- Shitty Day
Well basically I had a pretty shitty day today.. Well besides when Joey was here.
But, I just felt really sick all day and I'm fucking so tired of being sick. And then I did the dishes and whatever until Joey came over at 5 and then we hung out and had a fun time like we always do. And it was his birthday yay Joeys 17 now! xD But then after he left I tried to remove the wallpaper in the bathroom and i threw a bitch fit cause it wouldnt fucking come off. And then Zane told me he couldn't come down for my birthday. Great....
I'm in a really sad mood now.
I really like Zane a lot. But I really don't fucking know what to do anymore because me and him already tried this dating song and dance and it didn't work. But most of it was my fault because I hate getting close to people because I feel like everyone just fucks me over in the end but I have to stop thinking that way about everyone. So. I've really been trying hard to not get so angry and jealous. And I've been working on telling people how I actually feel and not always saying "its nothing" or "dont worry about it" nothing gets solved that way. And I've really really been trying to trust more... even though no one yet has given me a good reason to trust people but I'm trying to forget about all of that bull shit and just start new..... But I' just really confused on what to do at this point.
And Adam.... I really have absolutely NO fucking clue what to even think with him. At this points it really seems like he honestly doesn't give 2 shits about me. He hasn't even attempted to try and talk to me. If he really cared he would have. I just don't understand at all. But I'll tell you what.. I'm done being the first one to say "I'm sorry" cause I always have been. I think its his turn this time. If he still cares and still wants me in his life he can be the first to say sorry or talk about it. I feel like I'm always the one to save our friendship but I'm not going to this time.. he can. But so far I haven't heard shit from him. So that really makes me think that he doesn't care. Whatever I guess I'm just not worth it.
I wish I could see Zane right now //:
Goodnight.
But, I just felt really sick all day and I'm fucking so tired of being sick. And then I did the dishes and whatever until Joey came over at 5 and then we hung out and had a fun time like we always do. And it was his birthday yay Joeys 17 now! xD But then after he left I tried to remove the wallpaper in the bathroom and i threw a bitch fit cause it wouldnt fucking come off. And then Zane told me he couldn't come down for my birthday. Great....
I'm in a really sad mood now.
I really like Zane a lot. But I really don't fucking know what to do anymore because me and him already tried this dating song and dance and it didn't work. But most of it was my fault because I hate getting close to people because I feel like everyone just fucks me over in the end but I have to stop thinking that way about everyone. So. I've really been trying hard to not get so angry and jealous. And I've been working on telling people how I actually feel and not always saying "its nothing" or "dont worry about it" nothing gets solved that way. And I've really really been trying to trust more... even though no one yet has given me a good reason to trust people but I'm trying to forget about all of that bull shit and just start new..... But I' just really confused on what to do at this point.
And Adam.... I really have absolutely NO fucking clue what to even think with him. At this points it really seems like he honestly doesn't give 2 shits about me. He hasn't even attempted to try and talk to me. If he really cared he would have. I just don't understand at all. But I'll tell you what.. I'm done being the first one to say "I'm sorry" cause I always have been. I think its his turn this time. If he still cares and still wants me in his life he can be the first to say sorry or talk about it. I feel like I'm always the one to save our friendship but I'm not going to this time.. he can. But so far I haven't heard shit from him. So that really makes me think that he doesn't care. Whatever I guess I'm just not worth it.
I wish I could see Zane right now //:
Goodnight.
Wednesday, November 30, 2011
Venting #16- Ex Boyfriends.
Okay so I'm just going to cut right to the chase here... I am SO sick of Casey and his skank girlfriend Jessica. Like, seriously bitch don't add me on Facebook if your dating my ex boyfriend. Fuck off. Your a bitch and I hate you so don't add me EVER. God, she irritates me.
But, speaking of Casey I'm so over him. He's just an ass and that's what he will be forever. A pot smoking asshole.
And, speaking of pot. That shit is nasty... I hate when people use it or say "that they do". Like, A, have fun in rehab someday because your going to get addicted to it and deny that you are just like EVERYONE else I know that has had a problem with it. And, B, It pisses me off when you talk about it.
Okay... but anyways... I think I like Zane again. And I'm not going to lie it sucks. Because like I've said many, many times before... He lives so far away. And I can't do long distance relationships I just cant. I'm too needy and I get too sad when I know I cant see them all the time. But, he's just such a great guy and me and him get along perfectly and we don't argue ever. And he always knows what to say to make me feel better or make me smile when I'm crying. Last night for example.. I was Skyping him and I seriously did not stop smiling the whole time and that was over an hour. My cheeks literally were soar from smiling so much. So this situation just blows... why does he have to live far away? I don't understand the way God thinks sometimes... I always wonder why he had me meet him if he lives so far away... I wish I could like call God up and ask him questions like this. But I guess I'll have to figure it out myself. I have a lot to figure out.... /: I'm just confused on who I should be with.... D:
So yeah...
I love Reese! She's my best friend and I can't wait until I get to go up and see her in a few weeks! <3
But, speaking of Casey I'm so over him. He's just an ass and that's what he will be forever. A pot smoking asshole.
And, speaking of pot. That shit is nasty... I hate when people use it or say "that they do". Like, A, have fun in rehab someday because your going to get addicted to it and deny that you are just like EVERYONE else I know that has had a problem with it. And, B, It pisses me off when you talk about it.
Okay... but anyways... I think I like Zane again. And I'm not going to lie it sucks. Because like I've said many, many times before... He lives so far away. And I can't do long distance relationships I just cant. I'm too needy and I get too sad when I know I cant see them all the time. But, he's just such a great guy and me and him get along perfectly and we don't argue ever. And he always knows what to say to make me feel better or make me smile when I'm crying. Last night for example.. I was Skyping him and I seriously did not stop smiling the whole time and that was over an hour. My cheeks literally were soar from smiling so much. So this situation just blows... why does he have to live far away? I don't understand the way God thinks sometimes... I always wonder why he had me meet him if he lives so far away... I wish I could like call God up and ask him questions like this. But I guess I'll have to figure it out myself. I have a lot to figure out.... /: I'm just confused on who I should be with.... D:
So yeah...
I love Reese! She's my best friend and I can't wait until I get to go up and see her in a few weeks! <3
Monday, November 28, 2011
Venting #15: Done
Well... Im done. Im done trying to make things better because it seems like you really could give a shit less about me. You dont want to see me, talk to me or come over anymore. Its like im nothing.. well i guess if thats all i am to you then im done.
Thanks for the last 7 years.. thank you for being there for me. And im sorry i was such an awful friend, i mean i must have been since you dont give me the time if day anymore. So sorry for being an awful best friend. I hope you have a good life and find everything your looking for. So i guess thats it. Ill leave you alone. I can delete your number and off of facebook cause it probably wouldn't matter to you anyways.
Thanks for the last 7 years.. thank you for being there for me. And im sorry i was such an awful friend, i mean i must have been since you dont give me the time if day anymore. So sorry for being an awful best friend. I hope you have a good life and find everything your looking for. So i guess thats it. Ill leave you alone. I can delete your number and off of facebook cause it probably wouldn't matter to you anyways.
Monday, November 14, 2011
Venting #14- Dear Best Friend...
Dear Best Friend,
I just wanted to start off by saying that I love you with my whole heart. You are my best friend and you will always always be my best friend. I will never be able to thank you enough for always being there for me and always wiping away my tears and staying up all hours of the night to talk to me, I will never ever forget all those times and how much you have helped me. But, you need to know that I am done fighting to be in your life. Because I always feel like I have to fight to keep myself in your life, I feel like once I've become an important part of your life something happens and I have to fight for it again. Over and over and over. I don't want to have to fight for it anymore... It would just be nice to know that I'll always be part of your life and I'm not just going to be forgotten. I'm so sick of feeling forgotten by you. And, I'm not trying to be selfish... and I'm glad that you have new people in your life you care about but this is how it goes every single time... We become very, very close and it stays that way for a while until we get into a fight and then you meet someone else, get very, very close with them and then you barely remember I'm living and then sometime down the line you think "hey, i miss Sara" and then we talk and become close again. It happens over and over and over. And I'm just done... If you want a break from me.. fine. If you want me to leave you alone... fine. If you want me out of your life... fine, if thats what you wanted. But, just let me know these things straight up. Because I'm sick of playing these games. I'm sick of having to guess. If you want me to back off let me know. Because that's what I've been getting from you for the last week. I feel like I'm a nothing to you again. I feel like I should just leave you alone. And I guess thats what I'll do. Because you don't seem like you want to see me or talk to me. Oh I loved how excited you were to see me tonight too..... thanks for saying nothing to me. Thats what I expected though. Because now theres someone else in your life... and really, really, really I dont care that there is. I dont care that you talk to her, spend time with her whatever thats not the issue. The issue is when you stop talking to me. When you ignore me. When I feel like I'm just nothing to you. It makes me feel like I was the worst "best friend" ever... It hurts...
So basically what I'm saying... Is, I'm tired of these games. If you dont put any effort in talking to me.. why should I anymore? I'm done being the one that makes it better. If you still want me as your best friend let me know otherwise just keep ignoring me... I'll get the hint.
I just wanted to start off by saying that I love you with my whole heart. You are my best friend and you will always always be my best friend. I will never be able to thank you enough for always being there for me and always wiping away my tears and staying up all hours of the night to talk to me, I will never ever forget all those times and how much you have helped me. But, you need to know that I am done fighting to be in your life. Because I always feel like I have to fight to keep myself in your life, I feel like once I've become an important part of your life something happens and I have to fight for it again. Over and over and over. I don't want to have to fight for it anymore... It would just be nice to know that I'll always be part of your life and I'm not just going to be forgotten. I'm so sick of feeling forgotten by you. And, I'm not trying to be selfish... and I'm glad that you have new people in your life you care about but this is how it goes every single time... We become very, very close and it stays that way for a while until we get into a fight and then you meet someone else, get very, very close with them and then you barely remember I'm living and then sometime down the line you think "hey, i miss Sara" and then we talk and become close again. It happens over and over and over. And I'm just done... If you want a break from me.. fine. If you want me to leave you alone... fine. If you want me out of your life... fine, if thats what you wanted. But, just let me know these things straight up. Because I'm sick of playing these games. I'm sick of having to guess. If you want me to back off let me know. Because that's what I've been getting from you for the last week. I feel like I'm a nothing to you again. I feel like I should just leave you alone. And I guess thats what I'll do. Because you don't seem like you want to see me or talk to me. Oh I loved how excited you were to see me tonight too..... thanks for saying nothing to me. Thats what I expected though. Because now theres someone else in your life... and really, really, really I dont care that there is. I dont care that you talk to her, spend time with her whatever thats not the issue. The issue is when you stop talking to me. When you ignore me. When I feel like I'm just nothing to you. It makes me feel like I was the worst "best friend" ever... It hurts...
So basically what I'm saying... Is, I'm tired of these games. If you dont put any effort in talking to me.. why should I anymore? I'm done being the one that makes it better. If you still want me as your best friend let me know otherwise just keep ignoring me... I'll get the hint.
Saturday, November 12, 2011
Venting #13- Friendships
I got through 11/11/11 without any alcohol, I am actually quite impressed with myself. And you might wonder what I would need alcohol for this date... Well, It happens to be the anniversary of Casey and Jessica. It was there 2 year anniversary. And not to mention the 2 year anniversary of the day I gave him my necklace back. Once I heard him and Jessica were serious and I heard he was going to ask her out I gave him his necklace back that he had given me. I'll never forget the look on his face, he looked hurt, crushed, the look you have when you realize the thing you had with someone is over. It wasn't over though, never will be for me, but he still thinks it is and I'm starting to be okay with that.
Friendship is a very fragile thing, just like love. Sometimes friendships turn into romance, sometimes they come crashing down. Sometimes they are made out of envy and greed and sometimes out of pity.
I'm having a lot of trouble with the "friendships turning into romance" area. I'm not sure if or who I have feelings for. I'm very confused... Maybe I just need to talk to someone about it because usually when I do and I go through and talk about each person in the end I know who to pick. Or maybe I just haven't found the right guy to date yet. I really don't know.
There's this guy that lives really far away but every time we Skype I always laugh and smile because I'm not afraid to be myself around him and time just gets lost when I talk to him. But, it didn't work last time we dated... its too hard for me to have a long distance relationship, I'm very needy and a huge cuddle bug.
Then there's another guy that lives close like 2 miles away and he makes me feel really special and pretty and he always puts me first and that really means a lot. And we always have really deep conversations and I'm not afraid to let everything out. But, his parents are rather judgmental and i know they wouldn't like me and I dont want to date someone who's parents think I'm not good enough.
And the last guy, I've known him for a very long time and he said he's loved me the whole time he's known me and that I was the girl he would pick over anyone. And I have this really bug attraction to him I always want to kiss him and I want him to hold me whenever I'm with him. But, he has a girlfriend and he can be very bipolar he says one thing but means another. Its just so complicated with him.
I'm really stuck in a rut here. I don't know what to do. I guess I need to see all of them. I haven't seen the first guy since June and the last 2 for 2 weeks. I just need to talk to them I guess and figure out where I stand with them. I just hate being so forward about it. But, I have to do what I have to do...
And since were talking about friendships... Me and my best friends friendship, is not doing so well right now. I love him so so so so fucking much, I love him with my whole damn heart. But, I'm just a little hurt by how he said I don't care... I wish he would stop saying that when we get into fights or when I get into my funks where I feel lost and I just don't want to talk to anyone. I hope he really knows I do care. I care about him more then anyone else. Me and him have gone through more things then I've gone through with anyone and we've always been by each others side no matter what. And I guess... I haven't been a very good friend lately, I've been cranky and irritable and mean. I've been really mean.... Oh shit.... this is all my fault. I've been so distant and lost. I just... I'm not sure who I am sometimes. I want to be so much more successful and outgoing then I am but I just don't know how, I just feel lost, alone and confused right now. And he's the only constant I've had and most of the time I push around my constant and I push them away and... I guess its a test I do, to see if they will really stay even when I've pushed them to the extreme and hurt them. And he always has stayed. Always. I need to text him, Fuck.. I wish he was up right now.
Gotta go.
Friendship is a very fragile thing, just like love. Sometimes friendships turn into romance, sometimes they come crashing down. Sometimes they are made out of envy and greed and sometimes out of pity.
I'm having a lot of trouble with the "friendships turning into romance" area. I'm not sure if or who I have feelings for. I'm very confused... Maybe I just need to talk to someone about it because usually when I do and I go through and talk about each person in the end I know who to pick. Or maybe I just haven't found the right guy to date yet. I really don't know.
There's this guy that lives really far away but every time we Skype I always laugh and smile because I'm not afraid to be myself around him and time just gets lost when I talk to him. But, it didn't work last time we dated... its too hard for me to have a long distance relationship, I'm very needy and a huge cuddle bug.
Then there's another guy that lives close like 2 miles away and he makes me feel really special and pretty and he always puts me first and that really means a lot. And we always have really deep conversations and I'm not afraid to let everything out. But, his parents are rather judgmental and i know they wouldn't like me and I dont want to date someone who's parents think I'm not good enough.
And the last guy, I've known him for a very long time and he said he's loved me the whole time he's known me and that I was the girl he would pick over anyone. And I have this really bug attraction to him I always want to kiss him and I want him to hold me whenever I'm with him. But, he has a girlfriend and he can be very bipolar he says one thing but means another. Its just so complicated with him.
I'm really stuck in a rut here. I don't know what to do. I guess I need to see all of them. I haven't seen the first guy since June and the last 2 for 2 weeks. I just need to talk to them I guess and figure out where I stand with them. I just hate being so forward about it. But, I have to do what I have to do...
And since were talking about friendships... Me and my best friends friendship, is not doing so well right now. I love him so so so so fucking much, I love him with my whole damn heart. But, I'm just a little hurt by how he said I don't care... I wish he would stop saying that when we get into fights or when I get into my funks where I feel lost and I just don't want to talk to anyone. I hope he really knows I do care. I care about him more then anyone else. Me and him have gone through more things then I've gone through with anyone and we've always been by each others side no matter what. And I guess... I haven't been a very good friend lately, I've been cranky and irritable and mean. I've been really mean.... Oh shit.... this is all my fault. I've been so distant and lost. I just... I'm not sure who I am sometimes. I want to be so much more successful and outgoing then I am but I just don't know how, I just feel lost, alone and confused right now. And he's the only constant I've had and most of the time I push around my constant and I push them away and... I guess its a test I do, to see if they will really stay even when I've pushed them to the extreme and hurt them. And he always has stayed. Always. I need to text him, Fuck.. I wish he was up right now.
Gotta go.
Friday, November 11, 2011
Venting #12- My Mind
So today, I went grocery shopping and got eggnog and apple cider! Fuck yeah <3 And I found a recipe for spiked apple cider and guess what its spiked with... Crown Royal! And I have some! Yes! And I also Skyped Zane and Reese and then after Reese when to bed I just skyped zane for like 2 hours (:
---------------------------------------------------------
So this idea just jumped into my brain... I think for Christmas I'm going to repaint Emily's room and get her a new comforter and stuff :D
-----------------------------------------------------------
But anyways... Lately I've really been thinking a lot about the beginning of summer. I really miss it. I miss my Reese and I miss my Llogie bear and I miss my David. I hate that all of us never ever ever talk. We all used to be such good friends.. like wtf. It makes me really sad. Reese was my best best best friend I told her absolutely everything and I called her like 3 times a day. And now we maybe shoot eachother 20 texts a day. I mean, she still is my best friend but we're really distant. And I miss the shit out of her. I miss skyping like every second and when she comes to visit me. And I love when she crushes up Butterfingers into my icecream and feeds it to me when I'm sick <3
And David, shit, I'd hang out with him and Adam like every fucking day and now I dont even hear from him, and I miss him. He's really helped me through a lot and was always there to hold me when I cry and hold my hand if I got really upset. Like, the night we had to go to fuck faces house to get Reese's stuff and I didn't want to see creeper so he held my hand the whole way there and back so I'd know someone was there. And that same night when we got back to Adams and Llogan was like forcing me to talk about it and I didnt want to, he stood up for me and held me tight when I cried. That just really meant a lot to me.
And Llogan, well, I did have a pretty big crush on him. He just made me feel special and believe it or not he even helped me get over Casey a little. Because when I had a crush on Casey I would always get nervous when he would come over and, Casey lived next door to my best friend at the time.. Funny huh? So, it just helped me get over him because I realized I actually can have a crush on someone like that again. And Llogan helped me on one of the scariest nights of my life. He was the one that picked up my phone call and for that I am FOREVER greatful.
So... I just really miss them a lot. I could honestly start crying right now. I miss "the group" a lot. But, no one could ever replace any of them no matter how distant we might get. <3 And thats the truth.
----------------------------------------------------------
Yeah, so... My mind is very very complicated. Right as I think I've got things figured out... BAM! Nope, I change my mind. I tend to do that a lot. I change my mind a lot. I really need to figure things out. Because in all honesty I've been leading some people on. And I have no idea where my feelings lye. I'm being too much like my dad, we've been hurt our whole lifes so we tend to hurt other people because well... this is sick to admit... but I think there's this part inside of us where we want to hurt other people because we want them to feel the pain we've been feeling for years. And you know what, yes... Its AWFUL. BITCHY. DISGUSTING. But, its not intentional. Its just what we do. We cheat. We put up walls. We lead people on. We can't get close because everyone hurts us so we ignore them and find reasons to leave them.
I can't stop it. Its this mad insane cycle that never ends. But I really don't mean to... I don't want to hurt anyone intentionally.
But I guess I hurt Adams feelings because he "feels like" I don't care anymore... Like, I'm sorry but what the fuck... that pissed me off so hardcore I flipped dick. I just can't believe he said I don't care... again. I do. I just have been crabby because of the time of month. And I feel like all I'm doing is leading him on with my constant obsessive calling and texting and cuddling.. I feel guilty because he's my best friend and thats how I want things to stay between us.. Best Friends. So I feel like I need to stop the cuddling, kissing, constant calling and texting. I didn't stop texting him because "I dont care" thats not it at all... I love him with all my heart... But I think he might love me in a different way then I love him... But thats my fault.. I was leading him on without even really realizing it. So I'm stopping that. I feel so bad though. Shit...
I'm also really confused on who I like.. I'm not sure if I like anyone or not... I think I might have a crush on someone but I'm not sure.. I'll find out soon enough though. And if I end up not liking anyone I guess thats okay too.. guys make my brain go nuts.. I could use a break xD But then again I really wouldn't mind being able to cuddle up with someone thats actually "mine" and what not. I wont go on about this again because I have in like every other post xD
------------------------------------------------------
Lately I've been Listening to "Shinedown" I really like these two songs: "The Crow and The Butterfly" and "Call Me" <3
-------------------------------------------------------
Reese and Zane said that they are going to try and come down for my birthday! I hope they can! That would be amazing (: 57 days!
--------------------------------------------------------
Christmas is in 44 days <3
--------------------------------------------------------
Today fucking blows... You know whats on this date? Casey and Jessica's 2 year anniversary. Yup... I'm getting drunk.
--------------------------------------------------------
Now I'm gunna watch Family Guy :D
---------------------------------------------------------
So this idea just jumped into my brain... I think for Christmas I'm going to repaint Emily's room and get her a new comforter and stuff :D
-----------------------------------------------------------
But anyways... Lately I've really been thinking a lot about the beginning of summer. I really miss it. I miss my Reese and I miss my Llogie bear and I miss my David. I hate that all of us never ever ever talk. We all used to be such good friends.. like wtf. It makes me really sad. Reese was my best best best friend I told her absolutely everything and I called her like 3 times a day. And now we maybe shoot eachother 20 texts a day. I mean, she still is my best friend but we're really distant. And I miss the shit out of her. I miss skyping like every second and when she comes to visit me. And I love when she crushes up Butterfingers into my icecream and feeds it to me when I'm sick <3
And David, shit, I'd hang out with him and Adam like every fucking day and now I dont even hear from him, and I miss him. He's really helped me through a lot and was always there to hold me when I cry and hold my hand if I got really upset. Like, the night we had to go to fuck faces house to get Reese's stuff and I didn't want to see creeper so he held my hand the whole way there and back so I'd know someone was there. And that same night when we got back to Adams and Llogan was like forcing me to talk about it and I didnt want to, he stood up for me and held me tight when I cried. That just really meant a lot to me.
And Llogan, well, I did have a pretty big crush on him. He just made me feel special and believe it or not he even helped me get over Casey a little. Because when I had a crush on Casey I would always get nervous when he would come over and, Casey lived next door to my best friend at the time.. Funny huh? So, it just helped me get over him because I realized I actually can have a crush on someone like that again. And Llogan helped me on one of the scariest nights of my life. He was the one that picked up my phone call and for that I am FOREVER greatful.
So... I just really miss them a lot. I could honestly start crying right now. I miss "the group" a lot. But, no one could ever replace any of them no matter how distant we might get. <3 And thats the truth.
----------------------------------------------------------
Yeah, so... My mind is very very complicated. Right as I think I've got things figured out... BAM! Nope, I change my mind. I tend to do that a lot. I change my mind a lot. I really need to figure things out. Because in all honesty I've been leading some people on. And I have no idea where my feelings lye. I'm being too much like my dad, we've been hurt our whole lifes so we tend to hurt other people because well... this is sick to admit... but I think there's this part inside of us where we want to hurt other people because we want them to feel the pain we've been feeling for years. And you know what, yes... Its AWFUL. BITCHY. DISGUSTING. But, its not intentional. Its just what we do. We cheat. We put up walls. We lead people on. We can't get close because everyone hurts us so we ignore them and find reasons to leave them.
I can't stop it. Its this mad insane cycle that never ends. But I really don't mean to... I don't want to hurt anyone intentionally.
But I guess I hurt Adams feelings because he "feels like" I don't care anymore... Like, I'm sorry but what the fuck... that pissed me off so hardcore I flipped dick. I just can't believe he said I don't care... again. I do. I just have been crabby because of the time of month. And I feel like all I'm doing is leading him on with my constant obsessive calling and texting and cuddling.. I feel guilty because he's my best friend and thats how I want things to stay between us.. Best Friends. So I feel like I need to stop the cuddling, kissing, constant calling and texting. I didn't stop texting him because "I dont care" thats not it at all... I love him with all my heart... But I think he might love me in a different way then I love him... But thats my fault.. I was leading him on without even really realizing it. So I'm stopping that. I feel so bad though. Shit...
I'm also really confused on who I like.. I'm not sure if I like anyone or not... I think I might have a crush on someone but I'm not sure.. I'll find out soon enough though. And if I end up not liking anyone I guess thats okay too.. guys make my brain go nuts.. I could use a break xD But then again I really wouldn't mind being able to cuddle up with someone thats actually "mine" and what not. I wont go on about this again because I have in like every other post xD
------------------------------------------------------
Lately I've been Listening to "Shinedown" I really like these two songs: "The Crow and The Butterfly" and "Call Me" <3
-------------------------------------------------------
Reese and Zane said that they are going to try and come down for my birthday! I hope they can! That would be amazing (: 57 days!
--------------------------------------------------------
Christmas is in 44 days <3
--------------------------------------------------------
Today fucking blows... You know whats on this date? Casey and Jessica's 2 year anniversary. Yup... I'm getting drunk.
--------------------------------------------------------
Now I'm gunna watch Family Guy :D
Wednesday, November 2, 2011
Venting #11- Love
Love is the weirdest thing ever. It really just confuses the crap out of me. One day I think I'm in love but then the next day I'm like, "No fuck that! Love sucks" and then other days I'm just dying to be in love. And today, I'm dying to be in love. I miss it so much. I miss being able to kiss and hold someone. I want someone to make me feel like no one else can. Someone to make me feel so loved and so special, and someone that is so romantic and takes me on surprise dates and whispers sweet things into my ear. Holds my hand when I least expect it. Kisses me when we're fighting. Gives me butterflies every moment I'm with them. Holds me when I cry. And someone to take care of me.
And I mean.. there's a few guys I could date right now. But, I don't want to date people just to date them. I want that feeling where if I didn't have them I feel like I might just die. I want to date someone that I feel like I can't be without, and that I have that warm fuzzy feeling when I'm with them. Someone I IMMEDIATELY have strong feelings for. I can't remember the last time I felt like that. But I want to again, so so so bad. Romantic movies make me so sad... Its like WHY CAN'T THAT HAPPEN TO ME?!?! Ugh... I watched the Last Song tonight and that movie is SO cute. She met him when she least expected to, he takes care of her, kisses her when they fight, takes care of her brother, carves their names into a tree, sits in the back of his truck and talk, writes "forever" on her shoe, dances with her, playfully has a mud fight with her.. Oh my gosh, PERFECT. I'm just so ready to find that one person I want to spend the rest of my life with because I'm just ready to be in love and be happy everyday.
I'm sick of being lonely and being stuck at my house most of the time. I miss love. And for once I just want someone to take care of me for a change. Someone to put me to sleep, someone to shut off the lights and lock the doors for me, someone to carry me to bed when I'm tired. Someone to tell me everything will be okay because they will never leave me. Someone to wake me up in the mornings. Someone that actually wants to go to the pumpkin patch or apple orchard or the movies or something, someone that would actually plan dates for us sometimes. Someone that loves my Sister or Dad as much as I do.
I know it seems like I'm asking for a lot. But I just want someone to be there for me and take care of me and love me unconditionally forever. And I hope I can find someone like that soon.
So, that's about all.
Oh, and btw... This is my favorite song at the moment. I love the lyrics, music video, and overall message of it <3
And I mean.. there's a few guys I could date right now. But, I don't want to date people just to date them. I want that feeling where if I didn't have them I feel like I might just die. I want to date someone that I feel like I can't be without, and that I have that warm fuzzy feeling when I'm with them. Someone I IMMEDIATELY have strong feelings for. I can't remember the last time I felt like that. But I want to again, so so so bad. Romantic movies make me so sad... Its like WHY CAN'T THAT HAPPEN TO ME?!?! Ugh... I watched the Last Song tonight and that movie is SO cute. She met him when she least expected to, he takes care of her, kisses her when they fight, takes care of her brother, carves their names into a tree, sits in the back of his truck and talk, writes "forever" on her shoe, dances with her, playfully has a mud fight with her.. Oh my gosh, PERFECT. I'm just so ready to find that one person I want to spend the rest of my life with because I'm just ready to be in love and be happy everyday.
I'm sick of being lonely and being stuck at my house most of the time. I miss love. And for once I just want someone to take care of me for a change. Someone to put me to sleep, someone to shut off the lights and lock the doors for me, someone to carry me to bed when I'm tired. Someone to tell me everything will be okay because they will never leave me. Someone to wake me up in the mornings. Someone that actually wants to go to the pumpkin patch or apple orchard or the movies or something, someone that would actually plan dates for us sometimes. Someone that loves my Sister or Dad as much as I do.
I know it seems like I'm asking for a lot. But I just want someone to be there for me and take care of me and love me unconditionally forever. And I hope I can find someone like that soon.
So, that's about all.
Oh, and btw... This is my favorite song at the moment. I love the lyrics, music video, and overall message of it <3
Tuesday, November 1, 2011
Venting #10- Heart Ache
Ouch... this just made me cry for an hour. Fuck Myspace... It just reminds me of him and how much I loved him.. and how much he loved me /:
Fuck me! Dammit! I hate love. Cause guess why.. you love someone with your whole heart and you end up getting hurt. Thanks Myspace for reminding me not to ever fall in love or trust anyone ever again.
No one ever reads my blogs anyways but if theres someone whos actually reading this and wants to read me and Caseys conversation from 2 years ago... have fun. Start at the bottom of the conversation. Cause this is some old ass Myspace formats.
----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Sara. /:
To: kC
Date: Mar 31, 2009 10:30 PM
Subject: RE: (:
Lol, Cute (:
Well, I Really Really Like You Tooo.
----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: kC
To: Sara. /:
Date: Mar 31, 2009 10:29 PM
Subject: RE: (:
most of the time, i just really really like you (;
----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Sara. /:
To: kC
Date: Mar 31, 2009 10:23 PM
Subject: RE: (:
Danggg Every Single Time?!?!?!?!?!?!!!!
Hehehehehehehe (:
----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: kC
To: Sara. /:
Date: Mar 31, 2009 10:20 PM
Subject: RE: (:
Yeah everytime :D
ha im getting them just talking about it (;
----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Sara. /:
To: kC
Date: Mar 31, 2009 10:16 PM
Subject: RE: (:
Really?!?!?!?!?? :DD
----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: kC
To: Sara. /:
Date: Mar 31, 2009 10:14 PM
Subject: RE: (:
(; ha thats funny because when ever i know im going to see you i get butterflies, especialy when im walking to aylas and i know your there<3
----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Sara. /:
To: kC
Date: Mar 31, 2009 10:07 PM
Subject: RE: (:
Yeah! I Always Do When I Think Of Youuu. (:
<333
Lmao Thanks Its My Fav Shirtt (;
----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: kC
To: Sara. /:
Date: Mar 31, 2009 10:03 PM
Subject: RE: (:
:D did you really?!
(; i love you so much ill always love you<33
oh yea i like that shirt your wearing in that picture(:
And your eyes i've never seen eyes like yours i love them(; i guess i just really love that pic of you (;
----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Sara. /:
To: kC
Date: Mar 31, 2009 9:54 PM
Subject: RE: (:
Well Stop Thinking About Me & Do Your Homework! (:
Really??
(:
Dayummmm I Just Got Butterflies In My Tummy (:
I Love You So Fucking Muchh.
& Your Everything I've Ever Wanted. Ferr Real. Your Amazing (:
----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: kC
To: Sara. /:
Date: Mar 31, 2009 9:49 PM
Subject: RE: (:
:D your all im thinking of ha i can't even do my homework now(:
I love you like i've never loved anyone before<3
----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Sara. /:
To: kC
Date: Mar 31, 2009 9:39 PM
Subject: RE: (:
I Love You CDL<3
With All My Heart (: <3
----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: kC
To: Sara. /:
Date: Mar 31, 2009 9:37 PM
Subject: RE: (:
(: I LOVE YOU SCAN<3
----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Sara. /:
To: kC
Date: Mar 31, 2009 9:31 PM
Subject: RE: (:
Idunnooo About That (:
I Love You A Wholeeeeeee Lot (:
----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: kC
To: Sara. /:
Date: Mar 31, 2009 9:29 PM
Subject: RE: (:
Your wrong :)
I Love You So Much More (:
----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Sara. /:
To: kC
Date: Mar 31, 2009 9:27 PM
Subject: RE: (:
Nawwwwww (:
I Wuvv Yeww Wayy More (:
----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: kC
To: Sara. /:
Date: Mar 31, 2009 9:26 PM
Subject: RE: (:
(; Well I Wuv You More ;)
----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Sara. /:
To: kC
Date: Mar 31, 2009 9:23 PM
Subject: RE: (:
Wow!
Whatevsss (:
Heheee
I Wuvv Yewww (:
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
CIDDLE (11-11-09<3) says
:D I wuvv You to <3SARA<3 !
Mar 3, 2009
SimplySara<3 says
Awwww! :D
I Wuvv You Casey! :D
Mar 3, 2009
CIDDLE (11-11-09<3) says
(; Of course really!:) I cant even explain how much you mean to me like no joke(:
Mar 3, 2009
SimplySara<3 says
:DDDDDDDD
Really?
Mar 3, 2009
CIDDLE (11-11-09<3) says
:) You really dont know how much that means to here you say that (; I never want to loose you again either idk what i would do without you.
Mar 3, 2009
SimplySara<3 says
Yes Really. (:
I Love You So Much Casey.. (:
I Don't Ever Wanna Loose You.
I Really Really Don't, You Mean The World To Me.
Mar 3, 2009
CIDDLE (11-11-09<3) says
:D Really?! That means so much for you to say that:) You mean everything to me:) I would do anything for you(;
Mar 3, 2009
SimplySara<3 says
I Love You Too Casey Dwight Luoma (:
You Mean More To Me Then You Will Ever Know (:
Mar 3, 2009
CIDDLE (11-11-09<3) says
:D i really do love you so much! :) SARA CHRISTINE ANN NEUMANN<3 :D
Mar 3, 2009
SimplySara<3 says
AWW! (:
Samee Heree!! :DDD
Mar 3, 2009
CIDDLE (11-11-09<3) says
:)FOR REALLLLLLLL!:) I cant get you off my mind:)
Mar 3, 2009
SimplySara<3 says
):
Awwwww :DDD
For Real? (:
Mar 3, 2009
CIDDLE (11-11-09<3) says
Lots of stuff:( but mostly you:)
Mar 3, 2009
SimplySara<3 says
Lots Of Shit /:
Whats On Yours?
Mar 3, 2009
CIDDLE (11-11-09<3) says
Haha me too cause now im in a pissy mood haha:):/ So whats on your mind?
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
So there ya have it. I'm so mad at myself... I was almost over him too.. and let me clarify. When I say "Over him" I mean im over wanting him to come back to me and im over waiting for him because it wont happen. He fell for my best friend. That seems to happen a lot. And people wonder why I dont have any friends that are girls. I can't fucking trust them... But, I'll never ever ever not love Casey. Cause you bet your ass I will love him until the day I die. And I really mean that. I will never stop loving him. Ever. He'll always be "The one that got away"
That boy still has my heart. And probably always will. Unless some day, if theres a guy brave enough to steal it back from him. I'm waiting for him. Patiently.
I have the biggest fucking headache ever now. Thanks tears and heartache...
So basically this is whats up... If your going to come into my life, you better plan on staying in it. And if your just gunna leave me someday. Go fuck yourself and don't waste my time. I can't take much more of this getting to know someone, loving them and then they leave. I'm done with it.
Thankyou and Goodnight.
Thursday, October 27, 2011
Venting #9- Impatience
Well today..or I guess yesterday, I actually had a decent day I got up early and hung out with my dad and George, and then I made some pancakes, and discovered my new love and that would be the show "Extreme Couponing" that show is insane, and I want to do that too! But then I got mega tired cause I was tossing and turning all night so i took a 2 hour nap and then I got up and cleaned a little and then watched some more Extreme Couponing and then Emily came home! I was so excited because I love Emily a lot! And then Adam and Joey stopped by and that made me happy cause I freaking love them! And THEN while Emily and my dad were gone at church Tom texted me and said "Im at target do you want anything?" And I was like "An Icee!" but I was kidding cause there was zero percent need to get me something but he did anyways, and he came over and dropped it off and gave me a kiss! Haha so it was a really good day (:
But anyways, Okay, so... I was really tired tonight so I fell asleep at like 10 and then woke up at 1:00 to 8 texts and 2 missed calls... whoops sorry! And then I watched an episode of "All Grown Up" to fall asleep to but it was a Christmas episode! So now I'm like obsessing over Christmas! I've been up for the last 2 hours listening to Christmas music and wishing it would start snowing haha xD And now I'm watching "The Santa Clause 2" I feel like a freak because I am so so so in love with Christmas time!
Here are some of my favorite things about Christmas Time:
1. Being with my family, because I don't really get to be that often.
2. Listening to Christmas Music. Oh my goodness I love Christmas music! My favorite 3 songs I think are "Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas", "I'll be home for Christmas", and "Last Christmas"
3.Drinking hot chocolate! I make hot chocolate with 2% or Whole milk because it makes it that much richer and I add a splash of a vanilla and some cinnamon on top with marshmallows (: <3
4. Egg Nog! I could drink that stuff by the gallon! Oh my gosh.
5. Christmas Shopping! Some people hate it cause the stores are so crowded and gross but I love it because everyone is so cheerful and happy and they might not even realize it. And I love how malls decorate for Christmas. Do you see them decorate for any other holiday? Fuck no! Thats just cause Christmas is so Awesome!
6. Jesus was born on Christmas and a lot of people forget that's the reason we celebrate Christmas. But I'm very proud of my family because every year we sing Happy Birthday to him on Christmas and we always have our advent candles and that means a lot to myself and my family.
7. Putting up the Christmas Tree. I like putting up live Trees because it makes your house smell awesome and I love decorating it, I take hours and hours putting up decorations and listening to Christmas songs.
8. Almost every year, on the last day they play Christmas songs on the radio, me and my dad sit up until midnight (thats what time the songs end) and write down the last 5 songs they play.
9. Watching Christmas movies. My 2 absolute favorite movies to watch are "National Lampoons: Christmas Vacation" I think its the funniest movie ever, I can quote over half the movie. And "Deck the Halls" But I usually end up watching "A Christmas Carol" with my dad because that is his favorite movie. Oh! And I like the "Santa Clause" movies, 1-3 (:
10. Watching the snowfall<3 I think snow is absolutely beautiful. My favorite times is when its been snowing outside for a while and the snow just sparkles in the moonlight. And I have a street light on the corner so it just lights up the street perfectly and makes the snow look beautiful.
11. Putting up my Christmas village. I collect village pieces and it takes me about 2 days to put up my village perfectly.
Here are my Christmas Fantasies or dreams, I guess, that I would love to happen someday:
1. Waking up to find a puppy with a big red ribbon under the tree <3
2. Getting kissed under the Mistletoe <3
3. Having someone take me in a horse drawn carriage while its snowing <3
4. Getting engaged on Christmas morning <3 That would be perfect.
5. Take me for a Winter Walk down a lighted path <3
6. Fall in love so I can spend Christmas with them <333
7. Have kids and my own little family that I can share Christmas with <3
Haha so yeah! That my huge giant rant about Christmas. I just had to blog about it... lawl. Cause I'm super obsessing right now, like, HARDCORE. As I said earlier. But, now I guess I shall actually pay attention to my movie and try to fall asleep or I'm going to be tired as heck tomorrow!
OHHH! I FORGOT! Tomorrow I'm going to my mom's house to carve pumpkins, I'm pretty stoked about that too!
But, yeah..
59 days until Christmas <33333 Yes!
But anyways, Okay, so... I was really tired tonight so I fell asleep at like 10 and then woke up at 1:00 to 8 texts and 2 missed calls... whoops sorry! And then I watched an episode of "All Grown Up" to fall asleep to but it was a Christmas episode! So now I'm like obsessing over Christmas! I've been up for the last 2 hours listening to Christmas music and wishing it would start snowing haha xD And now I'm watching "The Santa Clause 2" I feel like a freak because I am so so so in love with Christmas time!
Here are some of my favorite things about Christmas Time:
1. Being with my family, because I don't really get to be that often.
2. Listening to Christmas Music. Oh my goodness I love Christmas music! My favorite 3 songs I think are "Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas", "I'll be home for Christmas", and "Last Christmas"
3.Drinking hot chocolate! I make hot chocolate with 2% or Whole milk because it makes it that much richer and I add a splash of a vanilla and some cinnamon on top with marshmallows (: <3
4. Egg Nog! I could drink that stuff by the gallon! Oh my gosh.
5. Christmas Shopping! Some people hate it cause the stores are so crowded and gross but I love it because everyone is so cheerful and happy and they might not even realize it. And I love how malls decorate for Christmas. Do you see them decorate for any other holiday? Fuck no! Thats just cause Christmas is so Awesome!
6. Jesus was born on Christmas and a lot of people forget that's the reason we celebrate Christmas. But I'm very proud of my family because every year we sing Happy Birthday to him on Christmas and we always have our advent candles and that means a lot to myself and my family.
7. Putting up the Christmas Tree. I like putting up live Trees because it makes your house smell awesome and I love decorating it, I take hours and hours putting up decorations and listening to Christmas songs.
8. Almost every year, on the last day they play Christmas songs on the radio, me and my dad sit up until midnight (thats what time the songs end) and write down the last 5 songs they play.
9. Watching Christmas movies. My 2 absolute favorite movies to watch are "National Lampoons: Christmas Vacation" I think its the funniest movie ever, I can quote over half the movie. And "Deck the Halls" But I usually end up watching "A Christmas Carol" with my dad because that is his favorite movie. Oh! And I like the "Santa Clause" movies, 1-3 (:
10. Watching the snowfall<3 I think snow is absolutely beautiful. My favorite times is when its been snowing outside for a while and the snow just sparkles in the moonlight. And I have a street light on the corner so it just lights up the street perfectly and makes the snow look beautiful.
11. Putting up my Christmas village. I collect village pieces and it takes me about 2 days to put up my village perfectly.
Here are my Christmas Fantasies or dreams, I guess, that I would love to happen someday:
1. Waking up to find a puppy with a big red ribbon under the tree <3
2. Getting kissed under the Mistletoe <3
3. Having someone take me in a horse drawn carriage while its snowing <3
4. Getting engaged on Christmas morning <3 That would be perfect.
5. Take me for a Winter Walk down a lighted path <3
6. Fall in love so I can spend Christmas with them <333
7. Have kids and my own little family that I can share Christmas with <3
Haha so yeah! That my huge giant rant about Christmas. I just had to blog about it... lawl. Cause I'm super obsessing right now, like, HARDCORE. As I said earlier. But, now I guess I shall actually pay attention to my movie and try to fall asleep or I'm going to be tired as heck tomorrow!
OHHH! I FORGOT! Tomorrow I'm going to my mom's house to carve pumpkins, I'm pretty stoked about that too!
But, yeah..
59 days until Christmas <33333 Yes!
Friday, October 21, 2011
Venting #7- Drinking
So, i find it pretty funny when my best friend believes, me when i say I'm okay.
no, I'm not okay.... obviously its fake., i don't just go from crying to happy happy even when, i have been drinking. i guess no once really knows me as well as they say they do. like seriously... I'M FUCKING SAD!!!!! i just wanna end everything right now. cause everyone is just so fake and stupid. this is why i drink... like seriously. everyone days that they know me but they don't. they don't realize how hurt i am every day., no one knows., I'm just so down on myself all the time. every one sees a smile and things I'm okay... well if you really knew me you'd see I'm not okay... at all. i cry every day. and people just think of it as an act. oh, yeah... is it? is it really an act? do you think i like crying every day? do you think i like being alone? do you think i like drinking until i can't feel anything anymore? no i DON'T. I HATE IT!!!!!! no one sees it though. so I'll just keep quiet. maybe someone will see it someday....
no, I'm not okay.... obviously its fake., i don't just go from crying to happy happy even when, i have been drinking. i guess no once really knows me as well as they say they do. like seriously... I'M FUCKING SAD!!!!! i just wanna end everything right now. cause everyone is just so fake and stupid. this is why i drink... like seriously. everyone days that they know me but they don't. they don't realize how hurt i am every day., no one knows., I'm just so down on myself all the time. every one sees a smile and things I'm okay... well if you really knew me you'd see I'm not okay... at all. i cry every day. and people just think of it as an act. oh, yeah... is it? is it really an act? do you think i like crying every day? do you think i like being alone? do you think i like drinking until i can't feel anything anymore? no i DON'T. I HATE IT!!!!!! no one sees it though. so I'll just keep quiet. maybe someone will see it someday....
Monday, October 10, 2011
People
Person #1: I love you... and I always will. And I wish you knew that I still loved you. But I'm done beating myself up over you... Your not coming back to me and I get that. I'm going to delete your number and try to forget. I wanna forget everything we had because its not important to you so why should it be to me, Maybe if I forget you I can love again.
Person #2: You deserve much better than me. Being with me is pointless because I just shut you out... Its what i'm good at. All i know how to do is put up walls and they just won't come down... Your an amazing guy and all i'm doing is hurting you. I'm honestly disgusted with myself. What I'm doing is sick..and I'm sorry I don't know how to fix it.
Person #3: I know I haven't been talking to you and to be honest its because it seems like you have a "perfect life" with perfect friends and your doing fine without me. Your having this perfect life without me in it and I don't want to ruin your happiness. And I haven't forgotten about you and your not "invisible" I'm just so so hurt... and I thought you would see that... You say I'm your best friend so how could you not see that I'm so upset? I just feel like you don't care. I do love you though... I hope you know that.
Person #4: I think I'm falling in love with you... and I don't know if I want that... Your my best friend. I can't and won't loose you if something happens. And I know myself... I put up walls that can't come down. I hurt people because I'm hurt.. and I don't mean to I just do, and I don't want to hurt you. I can't hurt you. You deserve someone so so amazing, someone that can never hurt you.
Person #5: I'm sorry I hurt you. I just wasn't happy anymore... I'm sorry that it had to come down to what it did. I'm sorry I am such a vile disgusting person that you had to block my number so I can never talk to you again. I'm sorry you think I'm such a bitch. But I did what I had to do to be happy. I'm sorry I'm so selfish. But I still love you, and don't think I never think about you, because I do... and I wish we could end things better.
Person #6: I'm so worried about you... You constantly work and then go out and get smashed every night. Its not good for you, your going to get sick. And if something happened to you my whole world would fall apart. Your my best friend and you have been my whole life. I miss you. I never see you anymore and that hurts so much, I cry about it all the time. I wish you knew that... I make it obvious. I love you though, so much.
Person #2: You deserve much better than me. Being with me is pointless because I just shut you out... Its what i'm good at. All i know how to do is put up walls and they just won't come down... Your an amazing guy and all i'm doing is hurting you. I'm honestly disgusted with myself. What I'm doing is sick..and I'm sorry I don't know how to fix it.
Person #3: I know I haven't been talking to you and to be honest its because it seems like you have a "perfect life" with perfect friends and your doing fine without me. Your having this perfect life without me in it and I don't want to ruin your happiness. And I haven't forgotten about you and your not "invisible" I'm just so so hurt... and I thought you would see that... You say I'm your best friend so how could you not see that I'm so upset? I just feel like you don't care. I do love you though... I hope you know that.
Person #4: I think I'm falling in love with you... and I don't know if I want that... Your my best friend. I can't and won't loose you if something happens. And I know myself... I put up walls that can't come down. I hurt people because I'm hurt.. and I don't mean to I just do, and I don't want to hurt you. I can't hurt you. You deserve someone so so amazing, someone that can never hurt you.
Person #5: I'm sorry I hurt you. I just wasn't happy anymore... I'm sorry that it had to come down to what it did. I'm sorry I am such a vile disgusting person that you had to block my number so I can never talk to you again. I'm sorry you think I'm such a bitch. But I did what I had to do to be happy. I'm sorry I'm so selfish. But I still love you, and don't think I never think about you, because I do... and I wish we could end things better.
Person #6: I'm so worried about you... You constantly work and then go out and get smashed every night. Its not good for you, your going to get sick. And if something happened to you my whole world would fall apart. Your my best friend and you have been my whole life. I miss you. I never see you anymore and that hurts so much, I cry about it all the time. I wish you knew that... I make it obvious. I love you though, so much.
Sunday, October 2, 2011
Venting #5 -My Dad
I really love my dad a lot. More then anyone on this Earth. And I really love spending time with him and it makes me really sad and upset when I never can because of his stupid girlfriends. They can seriously all go live on Venus because then maybe I'll actually get to see my dad for more then 20 minutes a day. I'm just so mad I'm crying. Like seriously... I was supposed to have a fire and listen to the football game with him but no... Rhea decides to come over even though he already told her no twice. So fuck her. So of course now I'm all alone, crying. Fucking bitch. And it might not seem like a big deal but it is to me. I NEVER get to see my dad cause he works 12 hours almost everyday and if he has a free SECOND she hogs it up. So now them two are out by the fire. They came to join me but i dont wanna fucking sit out there with her and listen to her stupid comments and her "Im going north, south, east, west... In a diagonal!" Or
"So did you guys like go out for breakfast before the wedding? What did you have pancakes?"
"No..." (Obviously not.. we had to drive an hour to get there and be there by 11 and we had to get ready before hand)
"Oh! So did you have waffles then?"
"No... We didnt go out"
"Im confused... what did you have then?"
Ohmygod.
I've had it.
"So did you guys like go out for breakfast before the wedding? What did you have pancakes?"
"No..." (Obviously not.. we had to drive an hour to get there and be there by 11 and we had to get ready before hand)
"Oh! So did you have waffles then?"
"No... We didnt go out"
"Im confused... what did you have then?"
Ohmygod.
I've had it.
Friday, September 30, 2011
Venting #4 -Him
Word of advice, don't have sugar if you have trouble sleeping at night. Whoops... That was a bad idea. But i figured its okay just for tonight, because I really wanted to watch 'Friends' and I slept way too long today, until like 5pm, so maybe if i stay up all night and day i'll be able to sleep tomorrow night, I think this will work.
The reason I slept so long this afternoon is because well for one, I haven't gotten much sleep lately and I had a whole bunch of random weird dreams. One was about Casey of course, and he was texting me and finally for once I asked him how him and Jessica were and he said great because he loved her so much. So maybe that's god trying to tell me "hey, he loves her.. not you" maybe he's trying to show me that closure between me and Casey. I guess I just don't want to see it. I want to keep thinking he will show up at my door one day and tell me he still loves me. But I know that won't happen. I must be really annoying Adam... because every time I talk to him I ask him "Why do guys like me?" And he tells me the same thing every time... I just don't get why they do though it's like, what are these other guys seeing in me that Casey doesn't? Why can't he see the same things? Just that one question alone drives me insane and can make me cry for hours on end. And... I don't want to tell people this, and I probably never will admit this because it just seems pathetic and stupid. But one of the reasons I feel so sad and depressed is because of Casey. I don't think anyone will really understand how much I really did love him. He's the guy I compare all the others too. He's the one that made me understand what love actually feels like. This will sound totally cheesy but with him it was love at first sight. The first day I ever saw him and talked to him my heart instantly melted, it was the weirdest feeling. After just talking to him for the first time I knew that I wanted him to be mine. And when he finally was about 3 months later.. I don't remember ever being as happy. I never laughed or smiled as much or missed anyone so much when I wasn't with them. I could have easily layed in his arms for hours and hours and talk about everything. And when i kissed him it was literally like magic. i got butterflies every single time. We had a real spark. Something I haven't felt since with anyone. I wish and I hope some day I'll feel that again because if I do, i'll know he's the guy I can love second most.
And I just need to say this. I regret this everyday so much, that it plays inside my head every fucking day... About a week after we broke up I saw him at Jessica's locker talking to her and I remember I just cried and cried and cried, and I have NEVER cried in school before that. I was walking to my next class, still crying, and he saw me ran after me, grabbed my arm and looked at me and just said "Sara.." But I didnt want to hear what he had to say he was talking to my ex best friend, that fucking backstabber, so I just pushed his hand away and kept walking......... I wish I would have listened, And told him I still wanted him. But if he loved me he would have tried harder. But i regret that, everyday.
Somedays I wonder if he ever sits up like this and thinks about these kinds of things or wonders about me. Wonders what i'm doing. Or if i still love him. I wish i knew. But I bet he doesn't think about me, I wish he did.
I need to stop caring so damn much about him. I can't stop. And no amount of alcohol in this world will stop it either, believe me i've tried. Crying doesn't help. Smoking doesn't help. Dating doesn't help. Nothing helps. Nothing makes it easier. Especially not these fucking dreams I have.
I need a hug.
Bad.
Like, now.
Good thing my puppy is here. I loves him.
Now I guess I'll watch Netflix. Comedy? Yeah.. I'm thinking so.
The reason I slept so long this afternoon is because well for one, I haven't gotten much sleep lately and I had a whole bunch of random weird dreams. One was about Casey of course, and he was texting me and finally for once I asked him how him and Jessica were and he said great because he loved her so much. So maybe that's god trying to tell me "hey, he loves her.. not you" maybe he's trying to show me that closure between me and Casey. I guess I just don't want to see it. I want to keep thinking he will show up at my door one day and tell me he still loves me. But I know that won't happen. I must be really annoying Adam... because every time I talk to him I ask him "Why do guys like me?" And he tells me the same thing every time... I just don't get why they do though it's like, what are these other guys seeing in me that Casey doesn't? Why can't he see the same things? Just that one question alone drives me insane and can make me cry for hours on end. And... I don't want to tell people this, and I probably never will admit this because it just seems pathetic and stupid. But one of the reasons I feel so sad and depressed is because of Casey. I don't think anyone will really understand how much I really did love him. He's the guy I compare all the others too. He's the one that made me understand what love actually feels like. This will sound totally cheesy but with him it was love at first sight. The first day I ever saw him and talked to him my heart instantly melted, it was the weirdest feeling. After just talking to him for the first time I knew that I wanted him to be mine. And when he finally was about 3 months later.. I don't remember ever being as happy. I never laughed or smiled as much or missed anyone so much when I wasn't with them. I could have easily layed in his arms for hours and hours and talk about everything. And when i kissed him it was literally like magic. i got butterflies every single time. We had a real spark. Something I haven't felt since with anyone. I wish and I hope some day I'll feel that again because if I do, i'll know he's the guy I can love second most.
And I just need to say this. I regret this everyday so much, that it plays inside my head every fucking day... About a week after we broke up I saw him at Jessica's locker talking to her and I remember I just cried and cried and cried, and I have NEVER cried in school before that. I was walking to my next class, still crying, and he saw me ran after me, grabbed my arm and looked at me and just said "Sara.." But I didnt want to hear what he had to say he was talking to my ex best friend, that fucking backstabber, so I just pushed his hand away and kept walking......... I wish I would have listened, And told him I still wanted him. But if he loved me he would have tried harder. But i regret that, everyday.
Somedays I wonder if he ever sits up like this and thinks about these kinds of things or wonders about me. Wonders what i'm doing. Or if i still love him. I wish i knew. But I bet he doesn't think about me, I wish he did.
I need to stop caring so damn much about him. I can't stop. And no amount of alcohol in this world will stop it either, believe me i've tried. Crying doesn't help. Smoking doesn't help. Dating doesn't help. Nothing helps. Nothing makes it easier. Especially not these fucking dreams I have.
I need a hug.
Bad.
Like, now.
Good thing my puppy is here. I loves him.
Now I guess I'll watch Netflix. Comedy? Yeah.. I'm thinking so.
Saturday, September 24, 2011
Venting #3 -Insomniac
I can't ever fucking sleep. Ever.
I have secrets in me that are just eating me up alive. I have no clue what or who I want anymore.
I think I'll just be the little old lady that lived in a shoe, why the fuck not. Cause I can't ever choose one guy and be happy. And I have no idea why.. I think I need therapy in all seriousness. I have extreme relationship issues... And yeah, I'm young but... These feeling can't be right. I mean liking someone so much and then once it gets too serious I bail. I mean, I have a feeling i know why I do that. Its because every single time I have someone in my life that I love and trust they leave, it happens all the time. Shall I make a list?
Pam- My mother, who constantly argued with me, made me feel like shit, and now doesn't care.
Ryan- My brother, who got a new family and stopped talking to me.
Patti- My dads girlfriend who I told everything too, left us.
Kelli- Patti's daughter who I became very close too, left.
Casey- The love of my life. Left me for my best friend at the time. And now could care less.
Jamie- Best friend that stopped talking to me because of his "new" girlfriend.
Sam- Best friend that also stopped talking to me because of his "new" girlfriend.
Mariah- Best friend of three years. Who stopped talking to me and turned on me.
Jessica- Best friend who i trusted, stole Casey and Mariah from me.
Yeah, so maybe thats why I dont like to get close to people... Look what they all did. These are some of the people who I trusted 100% and i loved them with everything I had. It still hurts everyday..
I'm sick of slapping on a fake smile and pretending i'm just dandy. I'm way, way too much like my dad. Alcoholic, Always want someone to love us but always push away the people who try to love us, Can't stay with one person for more then a few months, and we put on a fake smile until we're alone. And I dont know how to fix it. I wish i did though /:
Blah, I feel sick now... I need a cig and a hug. /:
I have secrets in me that are just eating me up alive. I have no clue what or who I want anymore.
I think I'll just be the little old lady that lived in a shoe, why the fuck not. Cause I can't ever choose one guy and be happy. And I have no idea why.. I think I need therapy in all seriousness. I have extreme relationship issues... And yeah, I'm young but... These feeling can't be right. I mean liking someone so much and then once it gets too serious I bail. I mean, I have a feeling i know why I do that. Its because every single time I have someone in my life that I love and trust they leave, it happens all the time. Shall I make a list?
Pam- My mother, who constantly argued with me, made me feel like shit, and now doesn't care.
Ryan- My brother, who got a new family and stopped talking to me.
Patti- My dads girlfriend who I told everything too, left us.
Kelli- Patti's daughter who I became very close too, left.
Casey- The love of my life. Left me for my best friend at the time. And now could care less.
Jamie- Best friend that stopped talking to me because of his "new" girlfriend.
Sam- Best friend that also stopped talking to me because of his "new" girlfriend.
Mariah- Best friend of three years. Who stopped talking to me and turned on me.
Jessica- Best friend who i trusted, stole Casey and Mariah from me.
Yeah, so maybe thats why I dont like to get close to people... Look what they all did. These are some of the people who I trusted 100% and i loved them with everything I had. It still hurts everyday..
I'm sick of slapping on a fake smile and pretending i'm just dandy. I'm way, way too much like my dad. Alcoholic, Always want someone to love us but always push away the people who try to love us, Can't stay with one person for more then a few months, and we put on a fake smile until we're alone. And I dont know how to fix it. I wish i did though /:
Blah, I feel sick now... I need a cig and a hug. /:
Wednesday, September 21, 2011
Venting #2 -Day Number 5 Without A Cig
So, this is now the fifth day without a cig. And, i'm not going to lie... I was doing perfectly fine until for some reason i just happened to have a dream about Casey. Awesome... Well, now I want a fucking cig!
So, this dream I had about Casey was awful... He married that fucking slut who i shall not name because her name makes me cringe. But yeah, my dream was about being at their wedding and -she who will not be named- was just being a huge bitch to me and I was crying a lot and Casey saw me and he just didn't seem to care... so basically it was just like reality only they are not getting married in real life...well... i hope not. But I was crying so hard in my dream I wouldn't be surprised if I actually started crying. And in my dream they like legit got married and I sat there at the wedding watching.. I don't know why! I mean, i didn't even object or anything. But after it was all done i remember I cried more and started drinking. Ugh... Fuck dreams! And i shouldn't even be saying dream cause it was a nightmare! It makes no sense to me why I still care about him. Once i figure that out for myself I'll let you know.
Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.
--------------------------------------------------------------
So anyways... I've been listening to this song called "Broken Arrow" by Pixie Lott a lot and I really really really love this song. Because its like my perfect song, legit. Its a great song.
I wanna go see Reese like now. She makes me feel better about stupid boys like Casey. I think i'm gunna try to convince Tom to talk to his parents and let me go up to Grand Forks with him so i can see her this weekend maybe possibly if shes not busy. But i doubt that will happen D: OR I wanna make/ask one of the guys with a car bring me there next weekend. Cause i needs her! But if all else fails i am like DETERMINED to go down there over MEA break. Cause I like need to see Reese asap cause she is my best friend so yeah. I love her.
I'm worried about Llogan. I mean he drives me insane some times and he says absolutely rediculous things that sometimes hurts people but still... I love him. And I'm worried that the fight we got in was part of the reason he went, well, crazy. I wanna know what happened.. But after he gets back I have a feeling he wont talk to me. And who knows when he will get back /: He was talking to me one time about how he had to go to some place for 45 days or something but i think that was for a different reason... So i'm hoping it won't be that long. /: I wish he would get better.
I hate the new facebook. Its really dumb and confusing.. Just saying.
I'm rather hungry but i'm not at the same time... My weird appetite again. I seriously think not smoking is causing this. But I don't need to be hungry anyways. I feel fat when I eat and I need to be skinny! Adam always gets mad at me when i say that, he says "You're skinny right now!" But hes crazy.
Boys are still confusing as hell... they seriously need to make there minds up about things. For example: You cant basically tell a girl you like her and then chicken out half way in. Come on... grow a bigger pair! You can do it! Yay for my pep talks! Lawl.
So I really want it to be Christmas! I love Christmas so much. Cause it's just like a magical time and it feels like the things you want are so much more in reach. It feels like, well, heres an example.. it feels like the boy your in love with will all of a sudden realize they love you too and drive as fast as he can to your house knock on your door and kiss you. Then live happily ever after <3 Too bad that won't happen. But fuck, i can dream right? /: Anyways... I do love Christmas time for other reasons though, I love decorating the tree and the smell of Pine trees are amazing. And I love making cookies and decorating them. And singing Christmas carols with the radio. And i haven't celebrated christmas with anyone that i could loose, like a boyfriend for example. I've never spent Christmas with a boyfriend and I think I am going to keep it that way because i know if i have them there and then we break up I will freaking hate Christmas and that would not be good. I mean there was that one Christmas i had to spend with Patti and Kelli and now there not in my life, but, lucky im over that. I feel bad for my dad though cause I know he really misses Patti, he really loved her. But thats a different story.
Fuck, that all just made me sad. I hate Casey. Well, not really... I actually love him. But I'll just say I hate him to make it easier on me. I hate Casey!
Dammit .
I'm done thinking now its making me a little sad.. Shit. Okay bye.
So, this dream I had about Casey was awful... He married that fucking slut who i shall not name because her name makes me cringe. But yeah, my dream was about being at their wedding and -she who will not be named- was just being a huge bitch to me and I was crying a lot and Casey saw me and he just didn't seem to care... so basically it was just like reality only they are not getting married in real life...well... i hope not. But I was crying so hard in my dream I wouldn't be surprised if I actually started crying. And in my dream they like legit got married and I sat there at the wedding watching.. I don't know why! I mean, i didn't even object or anything. But after it was all done i remember I cried more and started drinking. Ugh... Fuck dreams! And i shouldn't even be saying dream cause it was a nightmare! It makes no sense to me why I still care about him. Once i figure that out for myself I'll let you know.
Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.
--------------------------------------------------------------
So anyways... I've been listening to this song called "Broken Arrow" by Pixie Lott a lot and I really really really love this song. Because its like my perfect song, legit. Its a great song.
I wanna go see Reese like now. She makes me feel better about stupid boys like Casey. I think i'm gunna try to convince Tom to talk to his parents and let me go up to Grand Forks with him so i can see her this weekend maybe possibly if shes not busy. But i doubt that will happen D: OR I wanna make/ask one of the guys with a car bring me there next weekend. Cause i needs her! But if all else fails i am like DETERMINED to go down there over MEA break. Cause I like need to see Reese asap cause she is my best friend so yeah. I love her.
I'm worried about Llogan. I mean he drives me insane some times and he says absolutely rediculous things that sometimes hurts people but still... I love him. And I'm worried that the fight we got in was part of the reason he went, well, crazy. I wanna know what happened.. But after he gets back I have a feeling he wont talk to me. And who knows when he will get back /: He was talking to me one time about how he had to go to some place for 45 days or something but i think that was for a different reason... So i'm hoping it won't be that long. /: I wish he would get better.
I hate the new facebook. Its really dumb and confusing.. Just saying.
I'm rather hungry but i'm not at the same time... My weird appetite again. I seriously think not smoking is causing this. But I don't need to be hungry anyways. I feel fat when I eat and I need to be skinny! Adam always gets mad at me when i say that, he says "You're skinny right now!" But hes crazy.
Boys are still confusing as hell... they seriously need to make there minds up about things. For example: You cant basically tell a girl you like her and then chicken out half way in. Come on... grow a bigger pair! You can do it! Yay for my pep talks! Lawl.
So I really want it to be Christmas! I love Christmas so much. Cause it's just like a magical time and it feels like the things you want are so much more in reach. It feels like, well, heres an example.. it feels like the boy your in love with will all of a sudden realize they love you too and drive as fast as he can to your house knock on your door and kiss you. Then live happily ever after <3 Too bad that won't happen. But fuck, i can dream right? /: Anyways... I do love Christmas time for other reasons though, I love decorating the tree and the smell of Pine trees are amazing. And I love making cookies and decorating them. And singing Christmas carols with the radio. And i haven't celebrated christmas with anyone that i could loose, like a boyfriend for example. I've never spent Christmas with a boyfriend and I think I am going to keep it that way because i know if i have them there and then we break up I will freaking hate Christmas and that would not be good. I mean there was that one Christmas i had to spend with Patti and Kelli and now there not in my life, but, lucky im over that. I feel bad for my dad though cause I know he really misses Patti, he really loved her. But thats a different story.
Fuck, that all just made me sad. I hate Casey. Well, not really... I actually love him. But I'll just say I hate him to make it easier on me. I hate Casey!
Dammit .
I'm done thinking now its making me a little sad.. Shit. Okay bye.
Tuesday, September 20, 2011
Venting #1 -Day Number 3 Without A Cig.
Time to randomly vent because I am without a cig to smoke for when i ponder upon life so here we go...
Boys:
I don't fucking understand you. At all. You all say girls are complicated.. bull shit. Boys cannot EVER just say things straight up. Like "hey i like you." No.. they have to be all "Never mind." or "It doesn't matter." Just say how you feel. Its not that difficult!
But speaking of "hey i like you"... I've had 5 boys within the last 4 days hint to me that they like me... WHAT IS GOING ON. Have you all lost it? Why me? Really I don't understand.. i know some girls say they don't "understand" for attention and so they can hear someone say.." its because your pretty and smart.."and blah blah whatever.. I mean it is nice to hear that, don't get me wrong. But, in this case i really don't understand why all these guys like me. Yeah, i'm relatively nice and polite and i know i'm not ugly. But, okay.... that's like 75% of the women population. And i'm not trying to sound full of myself or anything. Just... shit! Boys are so confusing. And its like okay... so, all these guys like me... But why can't the one boy i'm in love with and have been in love with for 3 years like me?
And speaking of the boy I've been in love with for 3 years. Yeah, still in love. Why, why, why? Can someone explain that to me as well? I mean I have this amazing boy that i met 3 months ago and that I am now dating but I'm still not happy... because of HIM. I haven't been happy since him... and why? I'm trying to figure out if its because he still has my heart or if its because I just don't ever want to give it away again. I don't fucking know.
But hey, here my plus side about my Boys subject:
1) I haven't thought about HIM as much.
2) Boys smell great.
3) I love wearing their clothes.
4) They sure can make you feel special when they want to.
5) They give great hugs.
<3
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Girls:
If your a slut i hate you.
Fake tanning makes you look like a fucking oompa loompa. No boys wants to fuck that.
Hair extensions are nasty. Take care of your nappy hair and maybe it will grow.
If you like to steal your best friends boyfriend, your a bitch and you should get hit.
<3
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ryan Neumann:
Hey bro! Yeah, your fucking dumb.
Thanks for giving a shit about me. Do you realize you haven't talked to me in almost 2 months. Sad. You told me I was the most important person in your life and that "Family comes first." But, now i'm thinking when you said "Family" you meant "My stupid ass bike cult that thinks they are tight shit cause they own a motorcycle, helmet, and have a stupid name like 'Grunt'." Give me a call when your not too busy with your girlfriend or whatever that thing is your dating.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Wow, I am a mega bitch today. Guess its the lack of nicotine in my system. Must get some soon. I am like super hungry but i'm not at the same time. My appetite has been weird lately.
I miss Reese. Like a lot. I feel like we are barely best friends anymore, and i don't like it. I guess its partly because of my mindset... I mean, I feel like I'm being replaced in a way. I don't feel very needed anymore. I feel like I'm just there. And I don't really like that she has a thing with Charlie... Yeah sure call me a bitch or selfish... But I just don't know if they match up right i mean he lives far away from her and I know how fast she can get attached to people and she ends up getting hurt by all these assholes... i dont know, i just don't want to see her get hurt anymore. And i'm the LAST person to be talking about "he lives too far away" because hey, i'm dating her best friend that lives about 8 blocks away from her and she lives 6 hours away... But still, i just dont want her to get hurt anymore. And i fucking HATE that she still likes my brother like really, HES AN ASSHOLE! ASSHOLE! ASSHOLE! ASSHOLE! He only cares about himself and thats IT! He's not cute or charming or funny or nice he's a douche and i just wish she would see that. Because i hate that she is all sad over him i mean really there is NO reason to be. Really really really theres not.... But I dont know... I miss when she used to call me before anyone else and tell me she loved me and I was her best friend. And when she use to wanna skype me and make statuses on facebook about me. Maybe that's why I have been so sad lately. I like basically lost my best friend. Fuck /:
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
But hey I'm gunna write down some good things of the day to liven my spirit!:
1) Adam skyped me for 2 hours
2) Saw Emily today
3) Played "pickle in the middle" with George
4) My dad got me a Frosty from Wendys
5) Reese made a slide show with me in it, made me feel un forgotten.
6) Had a beer.
7) Made Cinnamon Rolls.
8) Heard "Benny and the Jets" on the radio
9) Took a nice long shower
10) Started School.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
So yeah enough venting for now, i'm getting tired. Goodnight <3
Boys:
I don't fucking understand you. At all. You all say girls are complicated.. bull shit. Boys cannot EVER just say things straight up. Like "hey i like you." No.. they have to be all "Never mind." or "It doesn't matter." Just say how you feel. Its not that difficult!
But speaking of "hey i like you"... I've had 5 boys within the last 4 days hint to me that they like me... WHAT IS GOING ON. Have you all lost it? Why me? Really I don't understand.. i know some girls say they don't "understand" for attention and so they can hear someone say.." its because your pretty and smart.."and blah blah whatever.. I mean it is nice to hear that, don't get me wrong. But, in this case i really don't understand why all these guys like me. Yeah, i'm relatively nice and polite and i know i'm not ugly. But, okay.... that's like 75% of the women population. And i'm not trying to sound full of myself or anything. Just... shit! Boys are so confusing. And its like okay... so, all these guys like me... But why can't the one boy i'm in love with and have been in love with for 3 years like me?
And speaking of the boy I've been in love with for 3 years. Yeah, still in love. Why, why, why? Can someone explain that to me as well? I mean I have this amazing boy that i met 3 months ago and that I am now dating but I'm still not happy... because of HIM. I haven't been happy since him... and why? I'm trying to figure out if its because he still has my heart or if its because I just don't ever want to give it away again. I don't fucking know.
But hey, here my plus side about my Boys subject:
1) I haven't thought about HIM as much.
2) Boys smell great.
3) I love wearing their clothes.
4) They sure can make you feel special when they want to.
5) They give great hugs.
<3
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Girls:
If your a slut i hate you.
Fake tanning makes you look like a fucking oompa loompa. No boys wants to fuck that.
Hair extensions are nasty. Take care of your nappy hair and maybe it will grow.
If you like to steal your best friends boyfriend, your a bitch and you should get hit.
<3
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ryan Neumann:
Hey bro! Yeah, your fucking dumb.
Thanks for giving a shit about me. Do you realize you haven't talked to me in almost 2 months. Sad. You told me I was the most important person in your life and that "Family comes first." But, now i'm thinking when you said "Family" you meant "My stupid ass bike cult that thinks they are tight shit cause they own a motorcycle, helmet, and have a stupid name like 'Grunt'." Give me a call when your not too busy with your girlfriend or whatever that thing is your dating.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Wow, I am a mega bitch today. Guess its the lack of nicotine in my system. Must get some soon. I am like super hungry but i'm not at the same time. My appetite has been weird lately.
I miss Reese. Like a lot. I feel like we are barely best friends anymore, and i don't like it. I guess its partly because of my mindset... I mean, I feel like I'm being replaced in a way. I don't feel very needed anymore. I feel like I'm just there. And I don't really like that she has a thing with Charlie... Yeah sure call me a bitch or selfish... But I just don't know if they match up right i mean he lives far away from her and I know how fast she can get attached to people and she ends up getting hurt by all these assholes... i dont know, i just don't want to see her get hurt anymore. And i'm the LAST person to be talking about "he lives too far away" because hey, i'm dating her best friend that lives about 8 blocks away from her and she lives 6 hours away... But still, i just dont want her to get hurt anymore. And i fucking HATE that she still likes my brother like really, HES AN ASSHOLE! ASSHOLE! ASSHOLE! ASSHOLE! He only cares about himself and thats IT! He's not cute or charming or funny or nice he's a douche and i just wish she would see that. Because i hate that she is all sad over him i mean really there is NO reason to be. Really really really theres not.... But I dont know... I miss when she used to call me before anyone else and tell me she loved me and I was her best friend. And when she use to wanna skype me and make statuses on facebook about me. Maybe that's why I have been so sad lately. I like basically lost my best friend. Fuck /:
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
But hey I'm gunna write down some good things of the day to liven my spirit!:
1) Adam skyped me for 2 hours
2) Saw Emily today
3) Played "pickle in the middle" with George
4) My dad got me a Frosty from Wendys
5) Reese made a slide show with me in it, made me feel un forgotten.
6) Had a beer.
7) Made Cinnamon Rolls.
8) Heard "Benny and the Jets" on the radio
9) Took a nice long shower
10) Started School.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
So yeah enough venting for now, i'm getting tired. Goodnight <3
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
Two Separate Lives.
I do the best i can to keep some parts of my life separate. Because i know thats the best way to deal with everything. I know one side doesn't want to hear me go on and on about the other and i've come to accept that...
But sometimes its just really hard to keep everyone happy. Sometimes it's so hard to listen to what they say and pretend i'm okay with it. It's hard to have to keep my two sides a secret from the one another...
I wish you would just accept things the way they are because i'm happy.
I wish you wouldn't judge when i can hear.
I wish i wouldn't feel guilty leaving one side to hang out with the other.
I wish i was stronger but i'm not.
I wish i could make these two sides ONE.
But, i'm just wishing.. theres nothing i can really do but hope.
I want my Reese. 45 days <3
But sometimes its just really hard to keep everyone happy. Sometimes it's so hard to listen to what they say and pretend i'm okay with it. It's hard to have to keep my two sides a secret from the one another...
I wish you would just accept things the way they are because i'm happy.
I wish you wouldn't judge when i can hear.
I wish i wouldn't feel guilty leaving one side to hang out with the other.
I wish i was stronger but i'm not.
I wish i could make these two sides ONE.
But, i'm just wishing.. theres nothing i can really do but hope.
I want my Reese. 45 days <3
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)